by Bethany Fischer | Mar 20, 2023 | Family Life, Family Living, Mental health
I get a lot of things from my mother. I’m short like her, am bad at math like her, and share her fears of birds. We inherit many positive things from our parents both biologically and through observation. These can be things like fears, traditions, and genetic factors. However, not everything that we inherit from our older generations impacts us positively. Generational mental illness can impact sufferers and their families in ways that can be difficult to manage and navigate.
What is Generational Mental Illness?
Like generational abuse, generational mental illnesses are mental conditions that cross generational lines. This can be due to both biological and environmental factors. Unfortunately, it is common for someone with a mental condition to have a close relative with the same problem.
Recent research suggests that there are genetic links between family members with mental illness. According to evolutionary psychiatrist Emily Dean, all major psychiatric disorders have a “heritable component.” These disorders include:
- Schizophrenia
- Anxiety Disorders
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
- Anorexia Nervosa
- Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
- And many more
It is difficult to pinpoint exact genetic causes for certain illnesses because the human genome is so vast. However, it is clear that the biological component plays a large role in passing down mental conditions across generations.
However, genetics is not the only factor that comes into play when talking about generational mental illness. Your environment also has a lot to do with perpetuating generational mental illness. For example, the CDC concluded that those with Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE’s) are more likely to develop mental conditions in conjunction with genetic factors. People who experience trauma as children are susceptible to mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The rate is even higher when those who have these experiences also have genetic predispositions.
Struggles of Generational Mental Illness
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While psychiatric care has come a long way, people with mental illnesses still face many challenges. It is likely that you will inherit a mental illness from your parents if they already have one. The statistics for genetic mental illnesses are surprising. For example:
- Anxiety and depressive disorders have an inheritance rate of 20-45%
- Alcohol dependence and anorexia nervosa have an inheritance rate of 50-60%
- Bipolar disorder, autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, and schizophrenia have a shocking inheritance rate of nearly 75%.
Besides the genetic risks, there are other struggles that generational mental illnesses present. As someone who lives with generational mental illness, I would be lying if I said that things are easy. It can be difficult for several reasons, for example:
- Observing unhealthy coping mechanisms of an older generation perpetuates those unhealthy habits.
- It can be difficult to seek recovery when you are also living with someone else who is suffering.
- Parents with multiple mentally ill children may find it hard to divide up their time and attention.
- If a parent is struggling with a mental illness, it may be hard for them to find the capacity to care for both themselves and their child.
I have personally experienced several of these struggles. I’m sure there are so many more struggles that others deal with. It can be dangerous when mental illness becomes your norm. If you never see your parents get help with their problems, you may never get help with your own. Acknowledging generational mental illness is so important if you want to break this cycle.
How to Break the Cycle
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Even though breaking the cycle of generational mental illness can be difficult, it is possible. It may not be possible to completely erase mental illness from your family line due to biological factors. However, there are things that you can do to lessen the negative impact it may have on your life.
The most obvious thing you can do to break the cycle is to reach out for professional help. Certain mental health professionals specialize in family and individual counseling. Getting help as a family can encourage bonding. You and your family member can support each other through recovery and hold each other accountable.
There are many other ways that you can break the cycle, according to Rethink Mental Illness. These include:
- Eating a balanced diet
- Regular exercise
- Getting enough sleep
All of these things have been shown to improve someone’s mental state. Eating a balanced diet ensures that you are getting all of your nutrients. This is important considering that a deficiency in certain vitamins is linked to depression like vitamin B. Incorporating healthy fats in your diet assists in brain function and mental health. Exercise releases certain endorphins that help boost your mood. We know through extensive research that your quality of sleep has massive effects on your mental health. While these things don’t address the genetic factors of generational mental illness, they do provide significant relief.
Conclusion
Generational mental illness is an illness that crosses generational lines. This is due to both biological and environmental factors. Genetically, the likelihood of passing a mental illness to the next generation is high. There are several struggles that those with generational mental illness face. However, there is hope in breaking the cycle with the right kind of help.
Breaking any kind of generational cycle is a difficult task to take on. When things become ingrained into you because of biology or the environment, it isn’t surprising when you get stuck in your ways. However, you owe it to yourself to get help. I’ve said it before in a previous post that nothing changes if nothing changes. While generational mental illness may be impossible to completely remove from a family line, it is possible to get relief by encouraging healing. Everyone deserves the peace of mind, even if your biology seems to be wired against it. By acknowledging your generational ties, you are taking the first step in setting a healthy precedent for future generations.
If you feel like you or someone you know may need counseling, we offer a safe, non-judgmental space for anyone needing to talk. We are here to walk people through tough times and encourage them that with Christ, there is a brighter future. Our counseling techniques help individuals learn new coping skills, change negative behavior and thinking, resolve conflict, grow spiritually, and so much more. Click here to Schedule your FREE consultation with a Certified Christian Counselor today.
Written by Bethany Fischer, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, visit www.safeharborim.com/articles
Featured Image: Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash
by Bethany Fischer | Feb 6, 2021 | Family Life, Family Living, Featured Post, Wellness
My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. My mom made this decision based on what was best for my sister and me. This happened at the turn of the millennia. While divorce was less taboo at this time than it had ever been, we had a hard time escaping from other people’s judgments. She was told she was a bad mom by friends and family members. Our church asked us to leave the congregation after she reached out for support. My elementary school denied me entry to an advanced program because “kids from broken homes don’t do well in these programs.”
These people didn’t understand something that I had grown to learn: there are all kinds of different types of families. My family never looked like most of my friend’s families. I even had friends who were part of families that looked different from mine! Just because a family doesn’t look like the “typical American family” doesn’t mean they are not valid.
What Does Family Look Like?
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What is a family? Merriam-Webster’s first definition of family is “the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children.” This is probably what most people would think when they hear the word “family.” This image may include a mother and father, raising their children together under one roof. Each parent has an extended family. These people make up your grandparent, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Many people can relate to this image of a family. However, this image can be difficult to identify with if you come from a nontraditional family.
What happens when someone comes from a single-parent household? How about people who don’t have blood relatives in their lives at all? Half of my family has been missing from my life for decades. Does this mean that we don’t have real families?
Absolutely not! I reject the concept of coming from a “broken home,” because my home is not broken! My experience has taught me that family is a subjective term. To me, a family is a group of people that love and guide you through life. So, my family looks like this:
- My mom, the head of the household.
- Her parents, who gave a lot of monetary and emotional support.
- My sister, who lived with me under my mom’s care.
- My mom’s sister, and her family.
While this may not look like a traditional family, I consider myself lucky. Some people probably have fewer people that they consider family. Some people may have family that is not related to them by blood at all. These families also deserve to be acknowledged and supported.
Different Types of Families
Traditional Family
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Sometimes called a “nuclear family,” this is a common family structure that has 2 parents and their children under the same roof. This used to be the most accepted type of family. According to David Brooks from The Atlantic, the traditional family thrived in the ’50s and ’60s. However, they have experienced a decline in the percentage of children living in this kind of arrangement every since. This could be due to many factors, such as:
- The changing attitude of women in the workforce
- More acceptance around subjects like divorce and adoption
- Declining birth rate
In fact, in the 1960s, only 13% of families were single-parent families. In 2018, that number rose to 28%. When the new census is done this year, I wouldn’t be surprised to see this number climb even higher.
Single Parent Family
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The single-parent family is the type of family that I grew up in. My mom was both the breadwinner and the comforter. This type of family is growing more and more common as the years go by. In 2019, roughly 15.76 million children were living with a single mother. 3.23 million were reported to live with a single father, according to Statstica.
As someone who has lived this life, I can give a first-hand account of the good and the bad of this type of family. Because my mom was the only parent in my life, we are extremely close. I have referred to my mom as my best friend on several occasions. We have a deeper relationship than many of my friends who have both parents in their lives. I have a greater appreciation for my mom because I know how hard she had to work to make sure that my sister and I did not go without.
However, I would be lying if I said that living in a single-parent household did not come with some hard times. Having only 1 provider made our financial situation rough. We did not have family dinners often because my mom had to work several jobs. Something that sticks out is the tradition of the “daddy-daughter dance.” My friend’s participated in the event every year. I never got to attend. All of this being said, being in a single-parent household was the best option for our family. While things were difficult a lot of times, I would not change my experience.
Blended Family
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A blended family is a family that combines different bloodlines under the same roof. This is usually in the form of step-parents and step-children/siblings. According to the last census, blended families continue to rise in numbers across America. Jane Chertoff of Healthline cites that 1,300 new stepfamilies form every day.
Like single-parent families, there are pros and cons to living in a blended family. It can be difficult to integrate new family members, especially new authority figures. Children can have a hard time accepting that they have a “new mom or dad” when they still have a relationship with their biological parent. Moving people with different personalities into one house also comes with its own struggles.
However, there are many benefits to having a blended family. Merging two families means incorporating new and exciting family traditions. More people in a family may lead to a larger support system. Learning how to merge families and get along with new people is an important life skill that those in blended families can learn and bring into their adult lives. Being patient and empathetic are the best ways to help merge families positively and constructively.
Community Family
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This type of family is probably one of the least recognized types of families, but maybe the most important. A community family is a family that is not made up of blood relatives. This type of family can be made up of friends, mentors, and people who have filled the role of a family member without being related.
There are several reasons why someone may not have blood relatives. Some people come from toxic family units and choose to separate themselves. Others cannot be with their relatives due to distance. People who grow up in foster care may have never gotten to form a familial bond with any of their caregivers.
There are many obvious cons to this type of family. I would imagine that someone who does not have ties to their biological family has probably undergone some kind of trauma. Being unable to form relationships with caregivers early on can lead to psychological problems. However, one of the main pros of this type of family is the fact that you get to choose who your family is. You can surround yourself with likeminded people who love you not because they have to, but because they want to. I have a family here at Safe Harbor International Ministries. They are not related to me, but they care about me, support me, and guide me through this season of my life.
Conclusion
The typical American family is everchanging. While the traditional family type with 2 parents and children is common, there are other types of families that continue to grow. Single-parent families make up a large chunk of families in the United States today. Blended families continue to grow, and people make their own families out of their communities. None of these families are the “right way” to have a family, and they are all valid.
I have carried the burdens of living in a nontraditional family since I was 6 years old. I have experienced discrimination because of it. Things were not as easy as they were for my friends that lived in a traditional family. However, the thing that I’ve learned is that there is no such thing as a “broken family.” A family is a group of people that love you. They want the best for you and will give you the support you need to live and happy and healthy life.
When we experienced discrimination due to being a nontraditional family, my mom was told that our home was broken. At 6 years old, I heard my mom say the most influential words that I have ever heard. She said that “our family may be broken to you, but we are fixed now.” Being a family means making difficult decisions for those that you love and care for. I will forever be grateful for the family that I grew up in because they have made me who I am today.
Written by Bethany Fischer, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, visit www.safeharborim.com/articles/
by Bethany Fischer | Jul 31, 2020 | Family Life, Family Living, Married life, Parenting, The Blended Family
Conflict can happen in all kinds of relationships. This is a normal occurrence, especially in close relationships like families. Experiencing family conflict can be healthy when it leads to positive change. However, it can be toxic when you don’t have the right tools to navigate the conflict. Having strong conflict resolution skills is important to have a healthy and thriving family unit.
Why do families have conflict?
There are many reasons why families experience conflict. We are all only human. Everyone can be less than productive when disagreeing. This is especially true in the family unit because these are most likely the people that you care the most about. People who spend a lot of time together, and often under the same roof, are more likely to engage in conflict.
According to conflict management firm Pollack Peacebuilding Systems, 7 common issues cause conflict amongst family members. These include:
- Money
- Family business
- In-law related conflict
- Conflict regarding family events
- Sibling conflict over elderly parent care
- Step-parent/step child conflict
- Co-Parenting after divorce
All of these issues provoke strong reactions in those involved. In fact, money problems account for close to 41% of divorces among Generation X couples. Conflict over parents often causes passionate emotional responses that can fan the flame of conflict rather than tame it. Divorce is hard for so many reasons, and arguments on how to raise your children are to be expected.
Any of these problems can cause harm to families. Fortunately, there are ways to handle these conflicts in healthy and positive ways.
Conflict resolution tips
Believe it or not, conflict can be a healthy part of family relationships. It is all about how you handle said conflict. Some people who have the resources may go to a family counselor to sort out these problems. For others, this is not possible. If you can’t hire a professional to help deal with family conflict, there are ways that you can work through them on your own.
Family Conflict Resolution Tip 1: Know what you can and can’t control
As much as we want to deny it, most things in life are out of our control. This includes people’s reactions and perceptions of conflict. It is normal to get angry when someone doesn’t see something from your point of view. You have probably been in many situations with family members where you have allowed your emotions to override rational thought. While you can’t control someone else’s reaction to a problem, you CAN control your own. Being able to make this distinction “can alter the whole dynamic and create more positive interactions,” according to wellness coach Elizabeth Scott.
Family Conflict Resolution Tip 2: Don’t avoid conflict altogether
It may seem like avoiding conflict altogether would be the best way to combat family conflict. After all, if there is nothing to fight about, then there is nothing to fight about. Unfortunately, this is an easy way out that often leads to more conflict than it resolves. Ignoring conflict instead of addressing it leads to bottled up emotions. This leads to resentment — family members may begin to attribute their negative emotions to one another because nothing is being solved. It may be painful or awkward to have difficult conversations. It is healthier, in the long run, to deal with problems head-on rather than burying them to fester.
Family Conflict Resolution Tip 3: Adults set the tone for their children
One of the best ways to guarantee positive conflict resolution is to set your family up for success. This starts with the youngest members of your family. Children have possibly the most difficult time with conflict resolution for several reasons. According to family support service Beyond Blue, the best ways to help your children with conflict resolution is to foster within them:
- Cooperation
- Managing emotions
- Empathy
Children act like mirrors for the adults in their lives. How they observe you dealing with conflict is how they will also deal with conflict. Help your children identify and communicate their emotions. Teach them how to practice self-control. Allow your children to witness you showing empathy to others. By giving children a strong foundation, you are setting your family up to be good communicators.
Family Conflict Resolution Tip 4: Be a good listener
Being a good listener is quite possibly the most important thing you can do to resolve any kind of conflict. Being a good listener, however, doesn’t just mean hearing someone’s words. To be a good listener, you must be an active listener. This means hearing someone’s words, understanding their intent, and avoiding judgment. Many people may think they have this skill, but in reality, it may need improvement. Being able to listen to someone else’s perspective may give you a deeper insight into how to solve a conflict. People feel heard when they are allowed to express their feelings without any expectations attached. You don’t always have to offer advice when someone is venting. Sometimes, having the space to communicate their thoughts is enough. When your family members feel listened to, they feel appreciated and are more likely to engage in positive conflict resolution.
Conclusion
Conflict occurs in all types of relationships, and this includes families. There are many reasons why families experience conflict. Money problems, in-laws, and co-parenting all present unique challenges to a family dynamic. Conflict may seem unhealthy but it can be used positively when dealt with correctly with the appropriate tools. Accepting a lack of control, facing conflict head-on, setting the tone for your children, and being a good listener, are all healthy ways to resolve family conflict.
Conflict is a natural part of any human relationship. Experiencing conflict does not mean that your family is broken. In fact, family conflict is completely normal! It is not important to dodge all kinds of conflict — this is simply not realistic. What is most important is having the tools to communicate your differences in order to foster healthy relationships that will last a lifetime.
Written by Bethany Fischer, blogger at Sage Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, visit www.safeharborim.com/articles/
by Bethany Fischer | Jul 23, 2020 | Family Life, Family Living
Fortunately, the Black Lives Matter movement has recently gained increased attention in the media. Unfortunately, the injustices they are fighting to fix are not new issues. We’ve all been called upon to do our part to become better allies to the black community, which can be done in a variety of ways. One of those ways is to start in your own home and have discussions about race issues with your family members. These conversations aren’t always easy, but they are extremely necessary. When dealing with racist family members, there are ways to make the conversation as efficient, educational, and open as possible.
For this article, bloggers Bethany and Grace decided to collaborate to include both of our experiences talking to our families about racial issues. We come from different backgrounds, family units, and parts of the country- but there are similarities in the conversations we’ve had with our loved ones. We hope that in the very least, our readers appreciate our stories about our struggles with racial issues involving family, and maybe even relate to what we have to share. We’re all in this together.
Why is it so hard to talk to your family about race issues?
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Talking about racism makes a lot of people uncomfortable. This seems to be especially true of white people and their older family members. But, why is it so difficult to talk to family members about race issues? I think that it is difficult because there are misconceptions about some topics that go along with racism. When people feel attacked, they will make assumptions about what you are trying to say to them. There are many misconceptions that some people hold when their roles in racism are challenged. Here are 3 common misconceptions when discussing race issues with family members.
1. “Benefiting from racism means you intend to be racist”
People get understandably defensive when they are accused of something they don’t think that they did. When you accuse a family member of being racist, you can expect a dismissive response, People think that just because you didn’t intend to hurt someone means that you are not in the wrong. This is just not true.
Robin DiAngelo, author of the book “White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism,” says something very smart about racism and intent. She says “As long as we understand racism as individual acts of intentional meanness, we will feel defensive about any suggestion of our complicity. When we understand the systemic nature of racism, however, we understand that our complicity is inevitable.”
Racism is not just individual acts of hate. It’s not just using a racial slur. It is benefitting from a system that oppresses one group of people to lift another. It is sitting idly by while others act in horrific ways because it doesn’t affect you personally. Racism is not challenging societal norms to avoid confrontation. You don’t have to “intend” to be racist to be complicit in it.
2. “Acknowledging your role in continuing racism means you’re a bad person”
When I think of the word “racist,” I think of a loud, ignorant person spewing racial slurs. I think that a lot of people like me have this image. When you confront someone on their own racial biases, they will probably assume that you think they are a bad person. Most people don’t want to have conversations about their negative qualities. People will usually try to defend themselves and their actions if they don’t think they are wrong. They don’t want to be grouped with that image of a racist that many people have.
What we are seeing now more than ever before is that racism doesn’t just exist on a personal level. It also exists at an institutional level. Racist behavior does lie with individuals, and people should be held accountable. However, the big problem lies in how racism has impacted our culture and society.
Systemic racism occurs when racism is incorporated as a normal part of society. Everyone benefits from systemic racism except for those it is designed to oppress. This is evident in the difference between racial groups in things like:
- Wealth gaps
- Incarceration rates
- Drug arrests
- Housing discrimination
- And much more
When someone questions you on your role in racism, they are not always calling you a bad person. They are just pointing out that you have probably benefited from a system that is not fair to everyone.
3. “Admitting privilege means that your life wasn’t hard”
It is hard to hear that you live with privilege when you have experienced trauma. This is understandable since undermining someone’s trauma can be so damaging to their recovery. Living through difficult experiences has a huge impact on our personal narrative. When someone seems to challenge that, it can make us feel angry, patronized, and dismissed. This happens a lot when talking about racial privileges.
I think that it is important to understand that “privilege” is not synonymous with “easy life.” They are not interchangeable concepts. Having privilege because of your race does not mean that your life has been easy.
I have had many personal events in my life that have been incredibly traumatic. Things were hard more often than they were easy. I still struggle with the aftermath of how I grew up and the things that I’ve gone through. However, none of those things were because of my race. I did not suffer because of the color of my skin. I suffered for different reasons entirely.
Admitting your privileges DOES NOT mean that your life hasn’t been hard. It just means that the reasons your life has been hard most likely don’t have to do with your race. This is an important distinction because it allows us to have empathy for those who struggle in different ways than we do.
Personal family experience (Bethany)
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I believe that a lot of my experience with racism and family members stems from where I come from. I’m from the South. In some ways, this area of the country has come a long way since the dismantling of the Confederacy. In other ways, it is painfully obvious that there is still a long way to go.
I never witnessed anyone be “outwardly racist” around me as a child. I never heard anyone use a racial slur, or specifically link being black to being inferior. What I did hear, however, is what I can now identify as micro-aggressions and general racial bias. I grew up hearing this kind of rhetoric from various individuals, like:
- Unkind comments about work ethic
- Insensitive jokes about racial stereotypes
- Criticism regarding restorative justice like affirmative action
- Defensiveness around acknowledging white privilege
We didn’t hold each other accountable for saying these hurtful things. Nobody wanted to deal with the confrontation. Instead, we would just laugh it off and quickly change the subject. That seemed like the best course of action to keep the peace.
I used to chalk this kind of speech up to generational differences. Older family members grew up in different times. The culture in those periods had a massive influence on their perspectives, especially in the South. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how wrong this defense is.
People from different generations may indeed have a hard time accepting the progressive direction that our social climate is going. However, that doesn’t make racism okay. We like to think that racism wasn’t such a “hot topic” decades ago like it is now. That is simply not true! Racism has always been around. Just because those in charge of the social narrative of the time swept racism under the rug doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a problem. Racism was wrong 80 years ago just like it is wrong now.
Personal Family Experience (Grace)
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I grew up in a small, agricultural town in Northern California, that has a reputation of being very liberal, hippie, and progressive. We were taught that racism ended with Martin Luther King Jr. In my younger years, I figured that was true since I’d never witnessed differently. But as I grew up, I realized that was because of my lack of exposure. The town I grew up in that claims to be diverse and accepting, is primarily white. I can count on two hands the number of black kids in my graduating class. How could I, as a white person, make any claims about racism when I had grown up in a bubble?
Similar to Bethany, I have family members that have views influenced by the period they grew up in. Although I’ve never heard any family members use racial slurs, or be outright racist in general, I know that some of my family members are not actively anti-racist. And that, as of late, has been emphasized as being crucial to the fight for racial equality.
I understand that the period has changed, but what is hard for me to understand is why older people seem to have such a hard time accepting that their views are allowed to change with time. I’m only 21 years old, and it seems with each passing year I gather new opinions, views, and values. I am grateful for my ability to openly learn new things and admit when I’m wrong.
How to talk to your nonblack family about race issues
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In trying to explain the above points to my family, we’ve found ourselves in some uncomfortable conversations. The first few times I tried to bring up an issue to them, it ended with me getting worked up and upset, and giving up. I realized that a conversation that does nothing but drains your time, energy, and emotions is not the kind that will affect any positive change. I’ve gathered some tips on how best to talk about race issues with your nonblack family members.
- Accept that it will be uncomfortable. Calling people out, and holding them accountable can often be awkward. The fact that the conversation is difficult is not an excuse to not have it.
- Pay attention to your tone. If you’re trying to point out what people are doing wrong, they might feel like you are blaming them. That will probably result in defensiveness, which can escalate quickly, and cause people to close their minds. Use an even tone, and try to avoid raising your voice.
- Use specific, relatable examples. It’s hard for people to see an issue if it does not affect them. Using examples or explaining issues that are relevant to your town, friends, or family can be more eye-opening.
- Educate them about how they can use their privilege for positive change. If you come to a conversation with tangible things they can do to be better allies, they are probably more likely to do it. List organizations they can donate to, suggest black-owned businesses they can support, or even books/articles to read to further educate themselves.
- Know your boundaries. It’s important to set boundaries for yourself. If you have tried, and really aren’t getting anywhere positive with a family member, know when it’s time for you to go on to advocate for change in a different way. Your energy can be used more effectively than in a useless conversation, sometimes.
Conclusion
Talking about race issues is difficult for many people. Family members getting involved makes it even more difficult. People can get defensive when you challenge them on any negative qualities they may have. This is especially true when people can’t see things like systemic racism and privilege. To have an effective discussion about race issues with non-black family members, it is good to have a plan. Being mindful of tone, using examples, and setting boundaries can help keep the conversations effective and educational.
Talking about race issues with family members can test relationships. It can be difficult to reconcile the love you have for your family while also holding them accountable. You don’t have to cut ties with your family because of these difficult conversations. To foster change, you have to commit to educating people. The best way we can contribute to the cause and be effective allies is to start at home.
Written by Bethany Fischer and Grace Haas, bloggers at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, visit www.safeharborim.com/articles/
by Bethany Fischer | Jul 6, 2020 | Counseling, Family Life, Family Living, Featured Post, Grief & Loss, Holidays, Staying Healthy, The Blended Family, Wellness
When a national holiday rolls around, there’s always an emphasis on gathering with family to celebrate. For some, that’s just not feasible. Many people celebrate holidays without family, but it’s not always easy.
For someone who has suffered family violence, has a toxic family member, an abusive relative, or mental health problems that are triggered by their family, holidays can be a difficult time. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being over the pressure to reunite with family for festivities. Whether you don’t have a family to gather with, or just choose not to, keep reading for some tips on how to navigate holidays without family.
Tips for a safe, stress-free holiday
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It can be painful not to gather with your family when it seems like everybody else is. Maybe you don’t have any family in your area to celebrate with, you choose not to because it’s too much for your mental health, or you don’t even have the option because of family trauma. There are many different reasons why people don’t celebrate the holidays with their families. Follow these tips to make it as easy on yourself as possible:
- Be honest with yourself. Really check in with yourself to determine whether or not you’re up for the reunion with your family. If it’s going to bring up any pain, past-trauma, or uncomfortable feelings for you, it might be best to sit this one out. There’s no shame in putting yourself first if your family just doesn’t bring out the best in you.
- That being said, be honest with others. Even if you have family in the area who would expect you to join them to celebrate, let them know if you won’t be there. It’s better to be upfront with them, instead of canceling at the last minute.
- Plan in advance. Make plans for the day of the holiday, to keep yourself busy. Finding yourself at home alone, when you know everyone else is celebrating, will make the day much harder- even if it was your own choice not to celebrate with your family.
- Unplug from technology. Social media is a great way to connect with people you don’t see every day, by keeping up with what they are doing. On days that can be lonely, this can be more painful than beneficial. To avoid FOMO, stay off your socials for the day and just focus on what you’re doing!
Ways to spend the holidays without family
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To follow tip #3, you need to have ideas of what to plan! It’s much more common than you may realize to spend the holidays without your family. Here is a gathered list of what to do instead of celebrating with your relatives:
- With your friends! Reach out to your friends, and let them know you don’t have people to celebrate with. True friends are people you can rely on when you need something. It’s more than likely somebody will warmly welcome you to their holiday celebration. In my experience, my family will always welcome anyone who doesn’t have a place to go. My brother’s friend spent Thanksgiving with us last year because all of his family lives in Mexico. It was great!
- Plan a vacation or a day trip. It can be nice to get away from home, especially if your family lives in the area. A change of scenery is always refreshing, and you can focus on the new place instead of what you’re missing at home.
- Work. A lot of places are often understaffed on holidays because people request them off. If you don’t have plans anyway, picking up a shift is a good way to pass the time by keeping busy. And you’ll be making some extra money.
- Do something totally unrelated. If it’s easier for you, don’t celebrate the holiday. Choose a challenging recipe and dedicate the day to perfecting it. Another idea is to have a self-care day- face masks, a bath, watch movies, etc. Check out our blog post on self-care tips for the holidays. Or, If you’ve been wanting to learn a new hobby, this can be your day to start!
We have a blog post on less traditional ways to bring in the new year. Even though the nearest national holiday is the fourth of July, you can still do some of the activities mentioned. Check it out here.
Scripture to turn to in times of loneliness
- “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” (Psalm 27:10)
- “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwellings.” (Psalm 68:5)
- “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24)
- Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)
Conclusion
Society paints a pretty picture of the stereotypical holiday celebration- filled with family, smiles, and fun. That is just not a reality for everyone- and we need to know that that’s okay! Our mission at Safe Harbor IM is to provide resources and restoration to families who have experienced violence and trauma. It’s not always quick and easy. It takes work and a strong faith in God. If celebrating with your family isn’t an option for you right now, we hope this post was helpful. We encourage you to turn to your faith and trust in Him to keep you well during difficult times.
We wish everyone a safe, healthy, and stress-free Fourth of July; no matter what/with who/ how you will be spending the day. Be sure to take CDC recommended measures to prevent the spread of COVID, as well.
Written by Grace Haass, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, visit our blog page at https://safeharborim.com/articles/.
Featured Image: Photo by Jason Denton Unsplash
