Conflict can happen in all kinds of relationships. This is a normal occurrence, especially in close relationships like families. Experiencing family conflict can be healthy when it leads to positive change. However, it can be toxic when you don’t have the right tools to navigate the conflict. Having strong conflict resolution skills is important to have a healthy and thriving family unit.

Why do families have conflict?

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There are many reasons why families experience conflict. We are all only human. Everyone can be less than productive when disagreeing. This is especially true in the family unit because these are most likely the people that you care the most about. People who spend a lot of time together, and often under the same roof, are more likely to engage in conflict.

According to conflict management firm Pollack Peacebuilding Systems, 7 common issues cause conflict amongst family members. These include: 

• Money
• Family business
• In-law related conflict
• Conflict regarding family events
• Sibling conflict over elderly parent care
• Step-parent/step child conflict
• Co-Parenting after divorce 

All of these issues provoke strong reactions in those involved. In fact, money problems account for close to 41% of divorces among Generation X couples. Conflict over parents often causes passionate emotional responses that can fan the flame of conflict rather than tame it. Divorce is hard for so many reasons, and arguments on how to raise your children are to be expected.

Any of these problems can cause harm to families. Fortunately, there are ways to handle these conflicts in healthy and positive ways.

Conflict resolution tips

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Believe it or not, conflict can be a healthy part of family relationships. It is all about how you handle said conflict. Some people who have the resources may go to a family counselor to sort out these problems. For others, this is not possible. If you can’t hire a professional to help deal with family conflict, there are ways that you can work through them on your own.

Family Conflict Resolution Tip 1: Know what you can and can’t control

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As much as we want to deny it, most things in life are out of our control. This includes people’s reactions and perceptions of conflict. It is normal to get angry when someone doesn’t see something from your point of view. You have probably been in many situations with family members where you have allowed your emotions to override rational thought. While you can’t control someone else’s reaction to a problem, you CAN control your own. Being able to make this distinction “can alter the whole dynamic and create more positive interactions,” according to wellness coach Elizabeth Scott. 

Family Conflict Resolution Tip 2: Don’t avoid conflict altogether

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It may seem like avoiding conflict altogether would be the best way to combat family conflict. After all, if there is nothing to fight about, then there is nothing to fight about. Unfortunately, this is an easy way out that often leads to more conflict than it resolves. Ignoring conflict instead of addressing it leads to bottled up emotions. This leads to resentment — family members may begin to attribute their negative emotions to one another because nothing is being solved. It may be painful or awkward to have difficult conversations. It is healthier, in the long run, to deal with problems head-on rather than burying them to fester. 

Family Conflict Resolution Tip 3: Adults set the tone for their children

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One of the best ways to guarantee positive conflict resolution is to set your family up for success. This starts with the youngest members of your family. Children have possibly the most difficult time with conflict resolution for several reasons. According to family support service Beyond Blue, the best ways to help your children with conflict resolution is to foster within them:

• Cooperation
• Managing emotions
• Empathy

Children act like mirrors for the adults in their lives. How they observe you dealing with conflict is how they will also deal with conflict. Help your children identify and communicate their emotions. Teach them how to practice self-control. Allow your children to witness you showing empathy to others.  By giving children a strong foundation, you are setting your family up to be good communicators. 

Family Conflict Resolution Tip 4: Be a good listener 

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Being a good listener is quite possibly the most important thing you can do to resolve any kind of conflict. Being a good listener, however, doesn’t just mean hearing someone’s words. To be a good listener, you must be an active listener. This means hearing someone’s words, understanding their intent, and avoiding judgment. Many people may think they have this skill, but in reality, it may need improvement. Being able to listen to someone else’s perspective may give you a deeper insight into how to solve a conflict. People feel heard when they are allowed to express their feelings without any expectations attached. You don’t always have to offer advice when someone is venting. Sometimes, having the space to communicate their thoughts is enough. When your family members feel listened to, they feel appreciated and are more likely to engage in positive conflict resolution. 

Conclusion

Conflict occurs in all types of relationships, and this includes families. There are many reasons why families experience conflict. Money problems, in-laws, and co-parenting all present unique challenges to a family dynamic. Conflict may seem unhealthy but it can be used positively when dealt with correctly with the appropriate tools. Accepting a lack of control, facing conflict head-on, setting the tone for your children, and being a good listener, are all healthy ways to resolve family conflict.

Conflict is a natural part of any human relationship. Experiencing conflict does not mean that your family is broken. In fact, family conflict is completely normal! It is not important to dodge all kinds of conflict — this is simply not realistic. What is most important is having the tools to communicate your differences in order to foster healthy relationships that will last a lifetime.

Written by Bethany Fischer, blogger at Sage Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, visit www.safeharborim.com/articles/