Fortunately, the Black Lives Matter movement has recently gained increased attention in the media. Unfortunately, the injustices they are fighting to fix are not new issues. We’ve all been called upon to do our part to become better allies to the black community, which can be done in a variety of ways. One of those ways is to start in your own home and have discussions about race issues with your family members. These conversations aren’t always easy, but they are extremely necessary. When dealing with racist family members, there are ways to make the conversation as efficient, educational, and open as possible. 

For this article, bloggers Bethany and Grace decided to collaborate to include both of our experiences talking to our families about racial issues. We come from different backgrounds, family units, and parts of the country- but there are similarities in the conversations we’ve had with our loved ones. We hope that in the very least, our readers appreciate our stories about our struggles with racial issues involving family, and maybe even relate to what we have to share. We’re all in this together. 

Why is it so hard to talk to your family about race issues? 

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Talking about racism makes a lot of people uncomfortable. This seems to be especially true of white people and their older family members. But, why is it so difficult to talk to family members about race issues? I think that it is difficult because there are misconceptions about some topics that go along with racism. When people feel attacked, they will make assumptions about what you are trying to say to them. There are many misconceptions that some people hold when their roles in racism are challenged. Here are 3 common misconceptions when discussing race issues with family members. 

1. “Benefiting from racism means you intend to be racist”

People get understandably defensive when they are accused of something they don’t think that they did. When you accuse a family member of being racist, you can expect a dismissive response, People think that just because you didn’t intend to hurt someone means that you are not in the wrong. This is just not true. 

Robin DiAngelo, author of the book “White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism,” says something very smart about racism and intent. She says “As long as we understand racism as individual acts of intentional meanness, we will feel defensive about any suggestion of our complicity. When we understand the systemic nature of racism, however, we understand that our complicity is inevitable.” 

Racism is not just individual acts of hate. It’s not just using a racial slur. It is benefitting from a system that oppresses one group of people to lift another. It is sitting idly by while others act in horrific ways because it doesn’t affect you personally. Racism is not challenging societal norms to avoid confrontation. You don’t have to “intend” to be racist to be complicit in it.

2. “Acknowledging your role in continuing racism means you’re a bad person”

When I think of the word “racist,” I think of a loud, ignorant person spewing racial slurs. I think that a lot of people like me have this image. When you confront someone on their own racial biases, they will probably assume that you think they are a bad person. Most people don’t want to have conversations about their negative qualities. People will usually try to defend themselves and their actions if they don’t think they are wrong. They don’t want to be grouped with that image of a racist that many people have. 

What we are seeing now more than ever before is that racism doesn’t just exist on a personal level. It also exists at an institutional level. Racist behavior does lie with individuals, and people should be held accountable. However, the big problem lies in how racism has impacted our culture and society. 

Systemic racism occurs when racism is incorporated as a normal part of society. Everyone benefits from systemic racism except for those it is designed to oppress. This is evident in the difference between racial groups in things like:

• Wealth gaps
• Incarceration rates
• Drug arrests 
• Housing discrimination
• And much more

When someone questions you on your role in racism, they are not always calling you a bad person. They are just pointing out that you have probably benefited from a system that is not fair to everyone. 

3. “Admitting privilege means that your life wasn’t hard”

It is hard to hear that you live with privilege when you have experienced trauma. This is understandable since undermining someone’s trauma can be so damaging to their recovery. Living through difficult experiences has a huge impact on our personal narrative. When someone seems to challenge that, it can make us feel angry, patronized, and dismissed. This happens a lot when talking about racial privileges. 

I think that it is important to understand that  “privilege” is not synonymous with “easy life.” They are not interchangeable concepts. Having privilege because of your race does not mean that your life has been easy. 

I have had many personal events in my life that have been incredibly traumatic. Things were hard more often than they were easy. I still struggle with the aftermath of how I grew up and the things that I’ve gone through. However, none of those things were because of my race. I did not suffer because of the color of my skin. I suffered for different reasons entirely.

Admitting your privileges DOES NOT mean that your life hasn’t been hard. It just means that the reasons your life has been hard most likely don’t have to do with your race. This is an important distinction because it allows us to have empathy for those who struggle in different ways than we do.

Personal family experience (Bethany)

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

I believe that a lot of my experience with racism and family members stems from where I come from. I’m from the South. In some ways, this area of the country has come a long way since the dismantling of the Confederacy. In other ways, it is painfully obvious that there is still a long way to go. 

I never witnessed anyone be “outwardly racist” around me as a child. I never heard anyone use a racial slur, or specifically link being black to being inferior. What I did hear, however, is what I can now identify as micro-aggressions and general racial bias. I grew up hearing this kind of rhetoric from various individuals, like:

• Unkind comments about work ethic
• Insensitive jokes about racial stereotypes
• Criticism regarding restorative justice like affirmative action 
• Defensiveness around acknowledging white privilege 

We didn’t hold each other accountable for saying these hurtful things. Nobody wanted to deal with the confrontation. Instead, we would just laugh it off and quickly change the subject. That seemed like the best course of action to keep the peace. 

I used to chalk this kind of speech up to generational differences. Older family members grew up in different times. The culture in those periods had a massive influence on their perspectives, especially in the South. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how wrong this defense is. 

People from different generations may indeed have a hard time accepting the progressive direction that our social climate is going. However, that doesn’t make racism okay. We like to think that racism wasn’t such a “hot topic” decades ago like it is now. That is simply not true! Racism has always been around. Just because those in charge of the social narrative of the time swept racism under the rug doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a problem. Racism was wrong 80 years ago just like it is wrong now. 

Personal Family Experience (Grace)

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

I grew up in a small, agricultural town in Northern California, that has a reputation of being very liberal, hippie, and progressive. We were taught that racism ended with Martin Luther King Jr. In my younger years, I figured that was true since I’d never witnessed differently. But as I grew up, I realized that was because of my lack of exposure. The town I grew up in that claims to be diverse and accepting, is primarily white. I can count on two hands the number of black kids in my graduating class. How could I, as a white person, make any claims about racism when I had grown up in a bubble? 

Similar to Bethany, I have family members that have views influenced by the period they grew up in. Although I’ve never heard any family members use racial slurs, or be outright racist in general, I know that some of my family members are not actively anti-racist. And that, as of late, has been emphasized as being crucial to the fight for racial equality. 

I understand that the period has changed, but what is hard for me to understand is why older people seem to have such a hard time accepting that their views are allowed to change with time. I’m only 21 years old, and it seems with each passing year I gather new opinions, views, and values. I am grateful for my ability to openly learn new things and admit when I’m wrong. 

How to talk to your nonblack family about race issues 

Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash

In trying to explain the above points to my family, we’ve found ourselves in some uncomfortable conversations. The first few times I tried to bring up an issue to them, it ended with me getting worked up and upset, and giving up. I realized that a conversation that does nothing but drains your time, energy, and emotions is not the kind that will affect any positive change. I’ve gathered some tips on how best to talk about race issues with your nonblack family members.

• Accept that it will be uncomfortable. Calling people out, and holding them accountable can often be awkward. The fact that the conversation is difficult is not an excuse to not have it.

• Pay attention to your tone. If you’re trying to point out what people are doing wrong, they might feel like you are blaming them. That will probably result in defensiveness, which can escalate quickly, and cause people to close their minds. Use an even tone, and try to avoid raising your voice.

• Use specific, relatable examples. It’s hard for people to see an issue if it does not affect them. Using examples or explaining issues that are relevant to your town, friends, or family can be more eye-opening.

• Educate them about how they can use their privilege for positive change. If you come to a conversation with tangible things they can do to be better allies, they are probably more likely to do it. List organizations they can donate to, suggest black-owned businesses they can support, or even books/articles to read to further educate themselves.

• Know your boundaries. It’s important to set boundaries for yourself. If you have tried, and really aren’t getting anywhere positive with a family member, know when it’s time for you to go on to advocate for change in a different way. Your energy can be used more effectively than in a useless conversation, sometimes. 

Conclusion 

Talking about race issues is difficult for many people. Family members getting involved makes it even more difficult. People can get defensive when you challenge them on any negative qualities they may have. This is especially true when people can’t see things like systemic racism and privilege. To have an effective discussion about race issues with non-black family members, it is good to have a plan. Being mindful of tone, using examples, and setting boundaries can help keep the conversations effective and educational.

Talking about race issues with family members can test relationships. It can be difficult to reconcile the love you have for your family while also holding them accountable. You don’t have to cut ties with your family because of these difficult conversations. To foster change, you have to commit to educating people. The best way we can contribute to the cause and be effective allies is to start at home. 

Written by Bethany Fischer and Grace Haas, bloggers at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, visit www.safeharborim.com/articles/