This year was certainly a tough year for all of us. For many people, COVID-19 meant isolation or loss of employment, but for some, it meant the loss of a loved one. 

This article explores what grief can feel like, offers tips on how to deal with grief and on how to talk to someone who has suffered a loss, and provides a list of helpful resources.

 

What grief can feel like

Grief, bereavement, and loss can cause many different reactions and can affect people in different ways. Everything you feel is valid – there is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel.
These, however, are some of the most common feelings:

• Anger
• Guilt
• Tiredness
• Exhaustion
• Overwhelming sadness
• Shock
• Numbness
• Insomnia
• Nausea
• Fatigue
• Weight loss or weight gain
• Aches and pains

The difference between grief and depression

Distinguishing between depression and grief isn’t always easy as the symptoms and feelings you might be having might overlap. However, there are some ways to tell the difference, but remember that clinical depression can only be diagnosed by a health professional. 

• Grief can feel like a roller coaster of emotions and everyone grieves differently. However, there are usually some good and bad days, and even though you are grieving, you might still experience moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant. 

However, there are a range of symptoms that might potentially suggest depression, including:

• An intense sense of guilt
• Slow speech and body movements
• Persistent inability to function 
• Thoughts of suicide
• Preoccupation with dying
• Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there
• Persistent feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness

Stages of bereavement or grief

There is no right or wrong way to grief, so not everyone might go through the following five stages of grief. You might find that you are not moving smoothly from one to the next, or that it takes you longer than others to move on to the next stage. That is okay. 

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining 
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Especially at the very beginning, your feelings might seem very chaotic or out of control. That is completely natural. Over time, these feelings will eventually become less intense – but remember that there is no “normal” timetable or timeframe for grieving. 

Once you have reached the fourth stage, remember that moving on with your life does not mean that you have forgotten about the loss. It means that you have accepted the loss and that you are keeping the memory of the person as an important part of you. 

 

Things you can try to help with grief

 

• Try to talk to someone

Whether it be a friend, a family member, or a mental health professional, talking to someone about what you are feeling can help ease the weight on your shoulders. You might find that the person you are talking to has experienced something similar and can help you through your grief. 

• Try to stick to a regular sleeping pattern

Falling asleep can be especially hard when you are grieving, but to help with the process, try to stick to a regular sleeping pattern. If you struggle to fall asleep, have a look at some tips on how to get to sleep.

• Consider peer support

Many communities offer peer support groups where everyone shares their experience and helps each other. These groups might be particularly helpful for you if you need to talk to people who have experienced a similar situation. 

• Set small targets each day

Don’t try to achieve everything at once. Instead, set small tasks and targets for yourself that you can easily achieve. 

• Remember that you are not alone

When you are grieving, it is easy to feel like you are entirely alone. Remember that that is not the case. Most people feel similar to how you might be feeling after experiencing a loss. If you need to talk to someone, remember that there is support available. Scroll down to the bottom of the article for helpful resources. 

• Try to avoid addictive substances and behavior

Though it can be tempting to want to numb your feelings, try to avoid things like alcohol and drugs while you are grieving. They might numb your feelings for now, but those feelings are only suppressed, and alcohol/drugs can also contribute to poor mental and physical health. 

• Take care of yourself while you grieve

Experiencing a loss can quickly drain your energy and emotional reserves. It is more important than ever to look after both your physical and mental health while you are grieving: It might help to maintain your hobbies or interests, continue exercising, and sticking to your usual routine. 

• Express your feelings in a tangible way

To help you deal with what you are feeling, consider creatively expressing your feelings. That can mean painting, making a scrapbook, journaling, or getting involved in a cause that was important to your loved one. 

When should you seek professional help for grief?

If you think you might be experiencing symptoms of clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional as soon as possible. If you scroll to the bottom of the article, you will find a list of resources you can contact. 

Contact a grief counselor or health professional if you:

• Are unable to perform your normal daily activities
• Persistently feel numb and disconnected from other 
• Blame yourself for the loss of your loved one
• Wish you had died with your loved one
• Feel like life isn’t worth living

 

How to talk to someone who is grieving

Make sure that your friend or family member knows that you are there for them if they feel the need to talk. If they don’t want to talk, respect their choice, and don’t force them to open up. Here are some tips on how to talk – and listen – to someone who is grieving:

• Be patient

Sometimes, the grieving person might tell the same stories over and over again or might repeatedly talk about how their loved one died. Be patient and listen to them – repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting death. 

• Ask how the grieving person feels

Grief can be an emotional roller coaster so what your family member or friend is feeling might change rapidly. If you are also grieving, remember that the process is an individualistic experience and your loved one might experience different emotions than you do. 

• Accept your loved one’s feelings

Let the person know that you are there for them and that it is okay for them to feel whatever they might be feeling, whether it be sadness, anger, guilt, or anything else. Don’t tell someone how they should or should not feel. 

• Be willing to sit in silence

Not everyone who is grieving feels the need to talk. Often, it can be just as comforting to know that they are not alone and that someone is there to keep them company. 

Things to avoid saying to someone who is grieving

 

• “This is behind you – get on with your life.”

Everyone grieves differently and there is no timeframe for grieving. Many people feel as if moving on might mean that they are “forgetting” their loved one. 

Remember that grieving has a mind of its own and works at its own pace. 

• “They’re in a better place now.”

While this might seem comforting for some people, it might be that the person experiencing grief holds a different belief.

• “It’s part of God’s plan.”

Not only might the bereaved person hold a different belief, but this expression often angers people and should best be avoided. 

 

Helpful resources if you have suffered a loss

• A list of bereavement organizations and Grief Camps for children
• COVID-19 grief network
• Helpful resources and online guides on grieving, journaling, and mindfulness
• A free meditation for grief guide
• ModernLoss: a website with articles on grief in the 21st century
• A long list of resources for bereaved parents
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
• Suicide Prevention Lifeline Chat
• Online support for child loss (live chat)
• Friendship Telephone Line for Seniors (non-urgent calls): 1-800-971-0016

 

 

Conclusion

Whether you have lost a loved one this year or whether you are trying to support someone who is currently grieving, remember that grief is an incredibly individualistic experience. There is no “normal” or right or wrong way to grieve. 

Grieving might involve a range of unexpected emotions, ranging from anger to guilt, but it is important to remember that whatever you or someone else is feeling is valid and perfectly natural. 

Remind yourself that grief has no timeframe and that it is okay to take all the time you need. 

Written by Samira Rauner, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, visit our blog page at https://safeharborim.com/articles/.