by Rebecca Kochanek | Nov 14, 2019 | Abuse, Dating, Domestic Abuse, Emotional abuse, Family Violence, Mental health, Stories of Hope, Story, Teens, Volunteers, Words of Encouragement
My name is Rebecca, and I was a victim of domestic violence through emotional abuse. In hopes of encouraging women and families, I want to share part of my story. I am currently an intern at Safe Harbor International Ministries. I am a part of the Office Administration team at SHIM, and help the blogger team edit their articles as well.
The reason why I felt compelled to intern here is because of my history of domestic violence. It is a cause that I hope to use my career to continue to raise awareness for. I want to make it my mission to change the lives of victims around me to feel empowered in their life post-abuse.
My Story
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship when I was seventeen years old up until I was nineteen. When many people hear the words “domestic violence,” they think physical abuse. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often overlooked by most people, including by the victims themselves. I, myself, was in denial of the severity of my situation for over a year. I even attended counseling for months and never disclosed to my therapist that I was being abused. Instead, I begged to be a better person so that I could be more lovable. I will never forget the night I called one of my best friends and vocally said for the first time that I thought I was being abused.
My First Relationship
When I was 17, I started a job at a fast-food restaurant, and one of the managers caught my attention almost immediately with his charm. We began dating quickly, and I loved the attention I got from him, even though there were several red flags that I ignored. Our relationship felt fine when he was happy; however, he had a temper that I tried my hardest to ignore and justify. When he had a bad day (which was often), he told me it was my responsibility to make better, and if I failed, I obviously didn’t love him enough.
When I got accepted into college, our relationship changed drastically. I asked him to consider getting his degree with me. He agreed to go to a local college while I moved three hours away to attend my top pick school. I was able to transfer to a store near me, so I was able to keep my job. When I moved is when I started noticing major red flags in my relationship. I was a 4.0 student and was promoted into management quickly at my job. My boyfriend became insanely jealous of my success and would belittle me, control me, and guilt me because of his unhappiness in his life. He didn’t have the drive to do well in life like I did and it showed constantly.
A big part of emotional abuse is the act of chipping away at one’s feelings of self-worth and independence-making a victim feel trapped and that they need the abuser to be someone. [1] This is precisely what was happening to me.
Every time I shared excitement for my success, my boyfriend would be quick to make comments that the only reason I was good at something is because he taught me what I knew about management. When it came to my grades, he would comment about how nice it must be to have time to study and be good at school. At the same time, he made attempts to force me to drop down to part-time work, so I wasn’t eligible for management. Every motive behind his behavior was an attempt to control me. He was desperate to feel like he was doing better than me.
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse. Examples of verbal abuse include yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior are also forms of emotional abuse [2] Even being long distance, my boyfriend found ways to abuse me verbally. He knew when I was at work and would call me on our work phone to threaten to break up with me. I would get off work to find him blocking me on social media. He would unblock me the next day and tell me he loved me. When I made him angry, he was quick to tell me he hated me. When I started making friends, he questioned my sexuality and often told me how obvious it was that I was cheating on him with my friends.
In the height of the abuse, I agreed to sign an apartment lease with my abuser. I thought that if we lived together that he would treat me better. I truly believed that I could help him. I firmly believe there was divine intervention because, due to circumstances that I still can’t believe to this day, he was unable to move to my city.
However, he refused to help me financially with our apartment. He used the controlling of finances and verbal abuse to scare me constantly. That was the scariest year of my life, especially because I was 18 trying to survive on my own with no help. To this day, my mom believes he would have killed me if he did end up moving in with me. I firmly believe that the only reason I wasn’t physically abused to death is because of the fact that we were long distance. I sincerely can’t thank God enough for protecting me from the terrifying unknown.
I could share multiple stories of varying degrees of abuse from my relationship. I can’t tell you how many times he threatened to hurt me, sexually abuse me, and take my belongings because he thought I didn’t deserve them. I could talk about the names he called me and the things he said about me to his friends. I could tell how lonely it was when he told my friends untrue things and urged them to stop being my friend. I could share the feelings of not feeling good enough, knowing I was being cheated on and blamed for it. I was told daily that no one would put up with me the way he did because I was ridiculous and impossible to love.
The Cycle
There is often a cycle for domestic violence. It includes abuse, guilt, excuses, normal behavior, fantasy, and setup.
In this cycle, abuse through normal behavior is self-explanatory. An abuser will abuse you and do everything possible to avoid responsibility. Fantasy is a stage where an abuser sets up a plan on how to use your behavior to justify abusing you again. Setup is a step where the abuser will set that plan into action to repeat the entire cycle.
Red Flags
Here is a list of red flags to be aware of that are signs of an emotionally abusive partner: [3]
- Calling you names, insulting you, or continually criticizing you
- Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive
- Trying to isolate you from family or friends
- Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with
- Demanding to know where you are every minute
- Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving
- Using weapons to threaten to hurt you
- Punishing you by withholding affection
- Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family, or your pets
- Damaging your property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)
- Humiliating you in any way
- Blaming you for the abuse
- Gaslighting
- Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships
- Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior
- Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
- Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are
- Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.
- Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them
Although this is only a small part of my story, I am excited to share that there is hope. Leaving is the absolute most grueling part of the journey, especially when you feel so alone and vulnerable. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and your abuser or your situation does not define you. It is hard and terrifying, but so worth it.
No one should feel unsafe in their relationship. Our intimate relationships should be a safe space for us to be vulnerable and find comfort. It is not healthy for your partner to not want to help you be your best self.
What Can You Do?
The first step in finding healing is recognizing that you’re in a dangerous situation (even if it isn’t physical). The next step is up to you. You must understand that your situation is not your fault. If you’re able, tell a trusted family member. If you are unable to depend on your family, find a trusted mentor. It can be someone at work, a counselor, a church member, or anyone in your life whom you trust to be your support system. Develop a plan. There are so many incredible free resources that have amazing professionals to help you in the way that you need.
I promise there is more out there than abuse. I promise you are worthy of a life full of blessings, peace, and confidence. I truly wish every single person could see how much they are worth. Your abuser does not define you in any way. Your individuality, uniqueness, and quirks are forever yours. No one can take away who you are. Friend, please understand that leaving is hard but so worth it. You aren’t trapped. You aren’t alone. However, you are worth living a life of love and confidence.
Written by Rebecca Kochanek, Survivor and Office Administrator at Safe Harbor International Ministries.
Refeerences:
- https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
- https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
- https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
Safe Harbor blog posts mentioned:
- https://safeharborim.com/?s=signs+of+abuse
- https://safeharborim.com/are-you-trapped-in-the-cycle-of-violence/
- https://safeharborim.com/counseling-programs/
- https://safeharborim.com/how-to-process-emotional-trauma-and-move-forward-from-past-domestic-violence/
by Rebecca Kochanek | Nov 14, 2019 | Featured Post
Most of the time, when you think of the holiday season, you think of family, joy, presents, and food. However, for many, these things can bring about stress, anxiety, and sometimes depression, or brings reminders of loved ones they have lost. For many, this season means planning and taking care of others, however, this leaves little time to take care of yourself.
When we think of taking care of ourselves, we often think of eating healthy and working out. However, we need to take care of our mental well-being too. Here are some self-care tips for the holidays.
Mental Health Tips for the Holidays
- A random act of kindness. Doing something for someone else, like volunteering at a nursing home, a soup kitchen, or at the pediatric wing at your local hospital, can pay it forward. Like paying for the person behind you in the drive-thru, performing random acts of kindness can have lasting impacts on your mood. This can not only make you feel better, but the people around you as well.
- Budget. Many people stress out during the holidays because of finances. Travel, food, and gifts can get expensive quickly. Don’t max out your credit cards or overspend for the sake of others. Be honest with your family and stick to a planned budget so you don’t go into debt due to overspending this season.
- Exercise. Working out can help put you in a better mood and make you feel better about yourself. This can be a walk around the block or going to the gym. This can reduce stress and improve your mood.
- Take a bath. Treat yourself to some nice bath salts or a bath bomb to help you feel festive. Enjoy your favorite drink while soaking.
- Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel guilty about eating a cupcake, or that you ate a little more than you usually do. Feeling guilty because you overindulged a little can bring down your mood. Give yourself permission to eat something you love.
- Have a routine. Having a routine in the morning or night can give you time for yourself. If you are a parent, get up an hour before your kids, get ready for the day, and enjoy your morning cup of coffee or tea. If you can make it happen, practice yoga or take a quick walk to enjoy the fresh air.
- Listen to music. Listening to your favorite music, dancing around, and being silly can help your mood and lift your spirits up.
- Don’t over plan. Don’t overstretch yourself. You don’t have to promise to go to every holiday party for work or friends.
- Take a nap. Your mind and body need rest. Taking a 15-20 minute nap can make a big difference.
- Read a book. Put down your phone and pick up a physical book. This gets you away from distractions like your phone, computer, or iPad. Read something you want to read.
- Laugh. Whether this is from a joke, a movie, or something someone said, don’t forget to laugh.
- Journal. Make time to write down your thoughts. Don’t bottle up everything you are feeling, write down things that made you happy, sad, and angry. Self-reflection is critical to helping cope with stressors in your life.
- Crafts. Try making something, as simple as a card or you can try your hand at knitting or painting. You don’t have to be great at it, just try something new. You can even use your crafts to give to loved ones as gifts.
- Make a love list. It’s like a bucket list; add an item everyday.
- Take care of your body. Eating healthy foods and working out can help make you feel better. Taking a yoga class, or maybe a new salsa class that you have wanted to try.
- Love yourself. Instead of trying to please everyone around you, you need to love yourself first.
- Loved ones. Losing a loved one can be hard, and when the holidays come around, it can make it hard to be happy. Remember and celebrate them; they wouldn’t want you to be sad during the holidays.
- Bake with family. Bake some cookies with your kids or spouse. Use this time to enjoy yourself and make memories.
- Enjoy Life. We all should take 10 minutes each day and simply appreciate what we have, be grateful for our life and family.
If you feel like you are overwhelmed by everything on your to-do list, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you can always come back to the list later. There is no reason to get everything done all in one day. You are only one person and can’t do everything, and that’s okay.
The holidays can be a stressful time of year, but it can also give you time to reflect and realize that you need to shed your past and look forward to the future. We hope you feel encouraged to remember to use some of these self-care tips for the holiday season.
Written by Jessica Christian, a blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries.
References:
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-s-mental-health-matters/201512/6-tips-holiday-self-care
- https://bemorewithless.com/how-to-make-a-love-list/
Safe Harbor blog posts and links mentioned:
- https://www.etsy.com/shop/FromMamasGarden?ref=seller-platform-mcnav
- https://safeharborim.com/3-benefits-of-fitness-for-victims-of-trauma/
- https://safeharborim.com/talking-to-family-about-death/
- https://safeharborim.com/the-family-unit-different-meanings-same-goal/
by Rebecca Kochanek | Nov 14, 2019 | Family Life, Healthy Lifestyles, Holidays, Parenting, Staying Healthy, Wellness, Words of Encouragement
There’s nothing worse during this busy season than feeling sick. Catching a cold can definitely put a damper on your holiday plans, but your overall health has many facets. Whether it’s staying on top of your holiday eating and drinking, adding an hour or two of sleep to your schedule, or putting in a little extra effort for your mental and physical health, there are plenty of ways to stay healthy (and merry!) during the season of joy. Enjoy our list of 10 ways to stay healthy during the holidays!
1. Beating Germs
With all the shopping, traveling, and meeting with families, the holidays can be a time where catching colds is almost inevitable. Besides getting a flu shot and getting plenty of vitamin C, it can be tricky to avoid sickness that interferes with your holiday season. Here are a few tips to keep yourself healthy and germ-free!
- If you’re traveling by plane, remember that airplane seatback trays are the dirtiest place on the airplane. A recent study shows that these trays can have 2,155 CFU per square [1] (that’s a lot of germs!). To avoid this, wipe down your trays with some disinfecting wipes before use!
- Shopping is another activity that makes it nearly impossible to avoid sickness. Another recent study found that the most harmful bacteria count on shopping carts. [2] Again, something as simple as wiping down the cart’s handle before using it can save you from a holiday illness.
- This one is big – washing your hands! According to the CDC, keeping your hands clean is one of the most significant defenses against spreading germs that we can do! [3] It’s both effortless and very effective.
2. Take Time For Yourself
The holidays are a time of giving, but it can be challenging to remember to take care of yourself. Loving others starts with loving yourself. If you’re beginning to feel a bit stressed about the busyness of the season, remind yourself to take a break! Whether you take a few moments to yourself to enjoy a hot bath, bump the stereo with your favorite Christmas tracks, or schedule a massage for the day after Black Friday, taking care of yourself can be one of the best ways to be present for other people.
3. Get Plenty of Sleep
In between planning trips to see the family, crossing off your gifting to-do list, and scheduling yet another holiday party, sleep can be hard to come by. It would not be surprising for many to learn that 35.3% of adults report less than 7 hours of sleep a night, even though a typical adult needs somewhere between 7-9 hours of sleep every night. [4] To avoid being a part of this statistic, plan to get into bed an hour or two earlier to get that much-needed sleep.
4. Be Wary of Holiday Eating
Though the holidays give us plenty of opportunities to indulge, it’s important to remember to keep variety in your diet. Avoid overindulging in sugar and carbs, and keep your diet full of plenty of fruits and veggies. When you do indulge, watch your portion sizes. Fill up the rest of your plate with nutritious, filling foods, and keep the heavy holiday treats to a reasonably sized portion.
5. Stay Hydrated
Though it’s tempting to indulge in those high-calorie peppermint-infused drinks or the occasional adult beverage, remember that plenty of H2O is necessary for your cell functions. Not only can drinking water hydrate your mucous membranes to help you battle colds, but it can also make you feel fuller longer and help with weight loss (win, win, win!).
6. Stay Active
It’s hard to stay active during the holiday season. Keep your goals realistic. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your schedule, split your workout session in half. Do 15 minutes in the morning and 15 more in the evening. If nothing else, take 10 minutes a day to do yoga stretches to keep your muscles and joints healthy. You can also use your exercise routine as an excuse to get a few needed minutes to yourself. You could even consider getting an accountability partner and spend time with friends while burning calories!
7. Watch Out For Food Poisoning!
Preparing and sharing holiday food is one of the most exciting parts of the holidays. Over the years, researchers have identified more than 250 food-borne diseases. [5] With the fast-paced prep of holiday food, this risk can increase. To keep your risks of food contamination as low as possible, make sure to practice food safety. You can do this by frequently washing hands and surfaces, storing food correctly, watching for cross-contamination, and making sure all meats are being cooked to proper temperatures.
8. Safe Driving in the Snow
Snow on the roads in the winter season can make holiday driving a hazard. Drive slowly and cautiously in the snow. Make sure to always wear seat belts and to keep younger children safely buckled into a booster or car seat. Be smart and stay home if the weather is too bad.
9. Drink Responsibly and be Merry
Holiday drinking can be tempting, but also can increase the hazard of dangerous driving. Make sure you have a designated driver or arrangements for transportation to pick you up. Lyft or Uber are two great options. Don’t drink and drive, and intervene if someone intoxicated attempts to get behind the wheel.
10. Keep Your Mental Health Up
Lastly, mental health should always stay a priority. If you find yourself struggling through this holiday season, don’t be afraid to reach out to get help. The holiday season can trigger Seasonal Affective Disorder, grief related to loss, or family issues for many. All of these things are mental health-related and should be addressed as such. To stay on top of your mental health, set aside some time to relax or meditate. Go to your doctor to address serious mental health concerns. Schedule therapy appointments to counsel you through possible bumps in the road.
We hope these tips are helpful to you and your family. Safe Harbor International Ministries is wishing everyone a safe and wonderful holiday season!
Written by Brooke Smoke, a blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries
Related articles: Is Counseling Right For Me?, https://safeharborim.com/dealing-with-deployment-during-the-holidays/, https://safeharborim.com/is-family-counseling-right-for-my-family/
References:
- https://www.forbes.com/sites/geoffwhitmore/2019/03/20/how-dirty-are-airplanes/ – 2fe5b1822ebb
- https://www.insider.com/dangerous-supermarket-germs-study-2017-11
- https://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/why-handwashing.html
- https://www.sleepassociation.org/about-sleep/sleep-statistics/
- https://www.cdc.gov/foodsafety/foodborne-germs.html
Safe Harbor blog posts mentioned:
- https://safeharborim.com/fun-outdoor-activities-for-families/
- https://safeharborim.com/3-benefits-of-prioritizing-nutrition-for-trauma-survivors/
- https://safeharborim.com/when-to-get-counseling/
by Rebecca Kochanek | Nov 13, 2019 | Family Life, Healthy Lifestyles, Holidays, Married life, Mental health, Parenting, Staying Healthy, Stories of Hope, Wellness, Words of Encouragement
The holidays are a stressful time for everyone. Adding to this stress is the fact that seasonal depression, family difficulties, and reminders of loss are also common around this time. Because of this, it can be especially important to maintain your mental health. Whether you need something as simple as a two-minute meditation, or a reminder to go back to therapy (seriously, everyone should go to therapy), below are ten great ways to stay mentally happy and healthy during the holiday season.
1. Go to Therapy
The holidays are a time of increased business. There’s always shopping to do, parties to attend, and preparations to plan. It can be tempting to skip out on a therapy session or two, but, if possible, prioritize therapy sessions. If you aren’t able to get out for therapy during this busy season, online therapy is an option for those who want to attend counseling sessions from the comfort of their own homes. The holidays can be a stressful time for all of us, and a little extra therapy can be exactly what you need to keep the stress down.
2. Mindfulness and Meditation
Whether you struggle with stress, depression, or grief around the holidays, practicing mindfulness and meditation can be the key to healing and coping. According to recent statistics, the top reason people don’t meditate is that they don’t know how, they don’t believe it’s beneficial, or they don’t have enough time. [1] Among many other benefits, meditation has been proven to reduce stress, control anxiety, and to promote emotional health. [2] If you can spend five minutes scrolling on your phone or watching T.V., you can spend those five minutes listening to a guided meditation on YouTube or apps like Headspace. 
3. Get Some Sun/Warmth
It’s common for seasonal depression to settle in around this time. Studies show that sunlight can boost serotonin levels, and that without enough sun exposure, those levels can lower. [3] The cold weather can often prevent us from going outside and getting the sun we need. To cope with this, it’s essential to go outside when possible, get some sun, and to (safely! Mind the UVs) soak in as much light as you can. If you have a seasonal affective disorder that especially severe for you, you might talk to your doctor about getting a light box. Keep in mind that light therapy should typically be combined with counseling and other treatments.
4. Let Family Grudges Go
The holidays are a time to reconnect with family members. However, for many, it can often be a time of bringing up old relationship quarrels and family disputes. To avoid this, here are a few things to remind yourself: 
- It’s okay to set boundaries
- You’re allowed to say no
- It’s okay to maintain an emotional distance
- You should limit your time with toxic family members
- People may not change – and that’s okay
- Families aren’t perfect
- You can love people without supporting their behavior
5. Allow Yourself Time to Enjoy the Season
Though you may or may not feel like a Scrooge around the holiday season, remind yourself that you’re allowed to find something you enjoy about it. Whether it’s something simple like enjoying a limited-time seasonal food (I’m thinking specialty coffees and chocolate), or something more involved like holiday decorating, or fun winter activities with friends or families, allow yourself to find something you like to do.
6. Keep it in Moderation
For many, moderation is the hardest part of the holidays. The holidays often revolve around food and fun, but that doesn’t mean you have to go overboard. Stick to some pre-planned limits when you go to parties. If alcohol is a problem for you, only permit yourself one drink – or make it a rule not to drink at holiday parties. If you have a hard time over-indulging on holiday foods, become more acquainted with your limits and stick to a plan. Sticking to a structured schedule can feel especially impossible during this whirlwind season, but setting aside time to prioritize it can help you to avoid unhealthy behaviors in the future.
7. Give Back
For many, depression permeates the supposed season of joy. To fight back, spending some time giving to those in need may be just the thing. You could do this in many ways. Helping out at a local homeless shelter, putting together gift boxes for kids who need it, or simply donating a little extra money to your favorite charity are just a few ideas on how to give back to people in need. Putting in a little extra effort to make someone’s holiday season better can truly make it a joyful season of giving.
8. Avoid Indulgence & Stick to a Budget
The holidays are also the season of spending! Just like moderation with food and alcohol, it’s important to practice moderation with finances. Though it can be tempting to follow where the sales lead you, reckless spending can lead to a cycle of regret. In order to avoid this, put a little extra time and effort into creating a budget for the holiday season. Know your limits – and stick to them. (And show yourself grace if you mess up every now and then!)
9. Practice Gratitude
A study by two psychologists, Dr. Robert A. Emmons of the University of California, Davis, and Dr. Michael E. McCullough of the University of Miami shows that gratitude and happiness are intimately (and scientifically) correlated in research. “In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” [4] Whether you keep a gratitude journal, write someone a thank you letter, or simply pray to express gratitude, practicing thankfulness can help put you in a positive mindset.
10. Reach Out to Others:
Lastly, don’t be afraid to reach out to others about how you’re feeling. The holidays can bring overwhelming amounts of stress, anxiety, depression, anger, grief, and joy all at once. One of the best things you can do for yourself during this time is to surround yourself with people you trust. Connect. Open up. Share love and kindness. Listen.
Written by Brooke Smoke, a blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries. Edited by Anjum Ahmed & Rebecca Kochanek
References:
- https://mellowed.com/meditation-statistics/
- https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/12-benefits-of-meditation#section3
- https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/benefits-sunlight
- https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier
Safe Harbor blog posts mentioned in this article:
- https://safeharborim.com/when-to-get-counseling/
- https://safeharborim.com/dreading-family-loss-during-holidays/
by Rebecca Kochanek | Nov 11, 2019 | Family Violence, Featured Post
Domestic abuse affects women, children, and men. Abuse takes many forms, including emotional/psychological, physical, sexual, economic, and stalking/harassment. Victims who are going through abuse try to hide it because they don’t want people to know what is happening.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. 
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Safe Harbor is sharing experiences from experienced abuse counselors to help spread awareness and share their experience when working with women, children, and families.
Jennifer Samulski is a counselor who has worked in many different settings in her 23-year long career. Her primary focus has been on working with kids and their families. She is sharing some of her experiences dealing with domestic abuse victims. Here are a few questions we asked Jennifer:
How are children affected by abuse?
Children have diverse reactions to abuse. Children may become more introverted, quiet, and shut down. They may become more aggressive, angry, and act out more. Children who have been exposed to abuse show increases in anxiety and depression. They may turn to aggressive behavior towards others or themselves to make sense of the abuse they are witnessing.
What are some of the signs that kids are being abused?
Signs of abuse include physical marks that are either hidden or are over-explained with detailed stories. Sudden changes in personality and mood or behavior can also signal that a child is being abused. The most important thing you can do for a child that is showing signs of being abused is to listen to them and believe them. 
How many of the victims were men?
I have worked with multiple boys who feel responsible for the helplessness brought on by violence against their mothers.
Did the victims leave their abusers?
Some victims leave and then return. Some perpetrators are excellent at invoking guilt in their victims, and this pulls them back time and again. The victims commonly look for ways that they somehow deserved the abuse or failed to handle a situation properly. Some victims leave and then repeat the cycle with a new partner. They do this unconsciously because they are repeating patterns of behavior that they have not addressed. Some victims never leave or die in these complex situations.
What advice would you give abuse victims?
People who have been victims of abuse need to develop a support system. That support system includes having family and friends whom they can count on and turn to in difficult times. Many abusers attempt to control their victims through controlling whom they talk to and where their money goes and when they have access to technology. Victims can begin to build those systems through people they know or reaching out anonymously to crisis hotlines or websites. There are agencies and support groups, as well as faith-based institutions in almost any community that are ready and willing to help: Google family crisis services or domestic abuse services near me. 
Can you describe the strength of an abuse survivor?
Abuse survivors are strong because in the face of overwhelming obstacles, they chose to hope. They hope that things can improve for themselves and their children. Frequently, abuse survivors face not only the situation they are in but the judgment of others who blame them for that very situation.
What can abuse survivors teach us?
Abuse survivors teach us resilience. We all face challenges, and by overcoming them, we build our capacity to handle tough situations with hope and grace.
What do you want people to know about abuse survivors?
Your friend or relative could be in this type of relationship. Do not assume that only a specific kind of person becomes a victim of abuse.
Thank you, Jennifer, for sharing your experience.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a 24-hour confidential service for survivors and victims. If you need help or know someone that is being abused, please call. 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).
Written by Jessica Christian, a blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries.
Safe Harbor Blog Posts Mentioned:
- https://safeharborim.com/how-to-get-help-if-you-are-a-victim-of-abuse/
- https://safeharborim.com/how-are-children-affected-by-domestic-violence/
- https://safeharborim.com/what-is-domestic-violence/
