by Marquetta Smith | Apr 11, 2021 | Abuse, Family Life, Spiritual Abuse
I wrote an article a few days ago about the signs of spiritual abuse and how to recognize this type of abuse within a church. After the article was written, I was asked by someone to talk about the effects of this type of abuse, because they had a friend that was still struggling with the effects of spiritual abuse. Also, some people are still trying to say that this abuse is not real, and that there could not possibly be any effects to such a thing. In this article, I have compiled a list of 7 effects of spiritual abuse that may be helpful.
Over the past 17 years as a social worker, I have worked with many victims who have experienced all types of horrific forms of abuse, from child abuse victims, to sexual abuse victims, elder abuse, domestic violence victims, victims of assaults, human trafficking, etc. You name it, I have pretty much worked with them. Either I have counseled them, conducted support groups for them, or helped them find valuable resources.
Basically, my job as a social worker was to help each victim begin the painful steps toward recovery. When working with victims who have dealt with any form of abuse, you must first help them recognize the type of abuse that they are experiencing. Helping them to recognize that they have been a victim of spiritual abuse can be the hardest thing to do, but this simple first step is very crucial towards recovery.
Secondly, get them to open up to you about how they feel about how they have been treated. Let them talk! They will need to tell their story at this time. This will help you establish some type of trust with them. Trust me when I tell you that they will need someone in whom they can trust, because their trust in their spiritual leaders has been destroyed completely.
Having gone through physical and sexual abuse myself, and experiencing spiritual abuse as well, I know first hand the devastating effects of this type of abuse.
I have compiled a list of effects of spiritual abuse that may be helpful when talking with someone who is going through this:
The 7 Effects of Spiritual Abuse
- Shock and denial: Most followers may be in a state of disbelief and denial at first. This is quite normal for followers to experience this initially. They may have been presented with all of the signs of spiritual abuse, but may refuse to believe that they are going through this. They may even become immersed in serving in the church to prove to everyone that this is not spiritual abuse, and that the enemy is trying to deceive them.
- Fear: Followers may feel extremely fearful towards their spiritual leader or other leaders; lack of trust for authority. Followers may even have some type of fear towards God. They may feel that God cannot be trusted, or that they cannot trust going to another church because of the fear of being hurt again. Followers may even pull away from their faith and become an atheist.
- Anger and Rage: Anger towards self and others around them. They may be angry with themselves for choosing such a church and not recognizing the abuse sooner. They may become extremely mad at the leaders and the other followers. This is where you will see followers start forming cliques and groups to talk about the leader. Note: This is very dangerous to do. Do not form cliques to overthrow the leader or leaders. God has not called anyone to tear down a church or divide His house.
- Loss of meaning: Followers may feel disempowered, and feel like they do not have a sense of meaning or a reason to live. They may feel as though they do not have any purpose in life and that God will never use them.
- Withdrawn: Followers may withdraw from friends or family members or other members of the church. They may feel like no one understands what they are going through. They can feel totally isolated.
- Health and/or psychological problems: Followers may exhibit unexplained health problems. Headaches, backaches, having trouble breathing, fatigue, frequently experiencing times of extreme exhaustion, panic or anxiety attacks that come out of nowhere, etc. This may be due to the body showing signs of what is happening on the inside of the person’s body. High stress environments have a tendency to produce sickness within a person’s body if not dealt with. Also, they may experience being extremely irritable, have frequent mood swings, weight gain (obesity), weight loss, overeating or eating very little can all be effects of this type of abuse. Followers may also experience depression, or even become suicidal. One woman described it as having the “life sucked out of you.” It may feel as if someone has their hand around your neck, squeezing until all of the life is gone.
- Shame or humiliation: They may ask questions like, “how did I let this happen to me?” “Why did I end up in this church?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why didn’t I see this coming?”
Of course, this list is not the complete list of effects that one may see, but it is a start to help someone recognize the problem. In the near future, my blog will contain articles on this subject and how to heal from all types of abuse for those of you who will need more information on this.
If this is happening to you, allow God to show you how to exit the church in love, and find a place of healing and recovery. I have seen God show His people how to exit quietly, without disrupting the masses. Remember, everyone may not be aware of the spiritual abuse that is taking place. God will reveal it to them in His own timing and season. God is much better at unmasking the ugliness that goes on behind the pulpit, as we can see throughout the recent years how these churches have been exposed of their “wrongdoings”. It is not up to us to lead a revolt!
God showed us love while we were yet in our own sins. He will do the same for everyone else. Remember that God is a God of love and peace, not strife and bitterness.
Please share this with someone you may know that is going through this. This could very well save their life.
Article By Marquetta Smith, Executive Director of Safe Harbor IM
by Marquetta Smith | Mar 21, 2021 | Abuse, Family Life, Family Violence
What is Spiritual Abuse?
When you think about the word abuse, what comes to mind? Family violence, child abuse, domestic violence, etc. Yes, all the above are different kinds of abuse, and all can be highly devastating…but what about spiritual abuse? Can someone actually experience spiritual abuse, and what is it?
First, we must define what abuse is. Abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional) occurs when someone has power over another and uses that power to hurt, manipulate, and control.
In a book called Healing Spiritual Abuse by Ken Blue, he compares other types of abuse with spiritual abuse: “Physical abuse means that someone exercises physical power over another, causing physical wounds. Sexual abuse means that someone exercises sexual power over another, resulting in sexual wounds. And spiritual abuse happens when a leader with spiritual authority uses that authority to coerce, control or exploit a follower, thus causing spiritual wounds.”
The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen, describes spiritual abuse as: “Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another without regard to what will result in the other person’s state of living, emotions, or well-being. In this application, power is used to bolster the position or needs over and above one who wants help”.
7 signs of spiritual abuse:
God Syndrome:
If your spiritual leader has the “God Syndrome” or acts as if they are godlike. For example, the leader may say that he or she speaks for God, that God works exclusively through his or her ministry. Or that followers can please God by pleasing the leader. Or they say, “follow me as I follow God,” or they must see God through their eyes only. These leaders are also emotionally unstable, and they are prone to extreme mood swings that cannot be explained. This may just be seen by followers who work closely with the leader and have close contact with the leader behind closed doors. They tend to exhibit complex/hard emotions and mask their real feelings with false humility.
Pulpit Idolatry:
Extreme admiration, love, or reverence for the leader is required. The leader constantly makes their followers put them on a pedestal or makes everyone exalt and esteem him or her higher than God. The leader is continuously teaching to honoring them, the leader. They make it a rule for their followers to stand or clap every time they enter a room, and if followers do not follow this rule, they are disciplined or told that they are not in line with God’s vision, or they are not submitting to authority.
Burned Out and Exhausted:
You may notice that the followers are quickly burned out and extremely overworked in a spiritually abusive atmosphere. They always feel exhausted after church or serving in any capacity of the church, and they do this all in the name of God. Their church life seems one continuous demand on their time with never a chance to rest. This is a spiritual abuse warning sign.
Individuals are often told this “church work is first, and everything else comes second.” They’re made to feel guilty for not serving or taking a break from their ministry; this is a “project-driven church.” The leader forces his or her followers to participate in multiple projects with little to no breaks in between. FYI…even God rested on the seventh day.
Perfectionism and Rigid Rules:
If your leader requires you to follow rigid rules or doctrine to prove that you are purified and cleaned to serve in the church, that is also a spiritual abuse warning sign. Leaders require complete sanctification from members to prove that they are saved and are ready to serve in the church. Leaders use this as a mask or cover-up and tell their followers that they must be mature before serving the Lord. But in reality, they want total submission from followers before they can be trusted to fit/serve in any ministry. The leader’s hopes are that the follower will be totally brainwashed with rigid rules that the leader put in place to gain total control over the follower. Simply putting it, the follower should not get out of line.
Stripped Individualism and Controlling Private Life:
Leaders are making rules that would govern every move of the follower outside of the church. I am not talking about Biblical, sound doctrine that Christians should be taught, but how leaders interpret and teach doctrine that turns into controlling every aspect of the follower’s life. Followers are conditioned to act a certain way, talk, and respond to everyday life issues according to how the leader sees life.
Followers are programmed on how to look at the news, what to think about the governmental leaders, and how to simply view the world around them, being brainwashed and programmed to believe and live according to how the leader thinks, leaving the follower without any sense of identity. Basically, you will see “cloned followers” that look and act like the leader and not God.
Fear:
Leaders will use fear and bullying to control followers, creating crippling fear that keeps followers depending on their leader for all of life’s answers. Individual ideas are not welcomed. Leaders also use debilitating fear of the enemy (devil). You will notice that the leader will constantly teach on the subject of “the enemy” or stay focused on the enemy and what the enemy is doing. More emphasis is placed on the warring against dark forces, leaving people afraid of the spiritual world.
Paranoia comes to mind when you see this in action, leaving the followers dependent on the leader to show them how to live to avoid the scary world the leader has created for them.
Island Mentality:
Leaders have the mentality that their church is the only church that hears from God. They claim that they alone have the truth and that they independently practice Biblical Christianity, or that they alone have access to God’s will and pleasure. They speak against other churches and constantly compare their church to others. Whether they do this publicly or privately, it is still clear to its followers that “our Church” has everything and that the followers should not venture out from their own church, or “island,” as I like to call it.
If followers leave the leader, they are talked about publicly and made to feel as though they have rejected God and that something terrible will happen to them or that they will be punished by God for leaving.
Question: Has God ever controlled anyone, made them feel ashamed, or humiliated, burned someone out, told them never to rest, or told them they have to be perfect? The answer is a resounding no.
God is a God of love, compassion, truth, and full of mercy and grace. He is long-suffering and patient. Shouldn’t our spiritual leaders follow God’s example of how to love His people?
If you or someone you know is experiencing any of the 7 signs of spiritual abuse…run, run, run. Like any other form of abuse, the effects of spiritual abuse can be devastating and could have long-lasting effects. Think about it: Maybe it’s time to consider what steps you will need to take to get out and find a loving church full of compassion and truth.
Article by Marquetta Smith, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, check out our blog page: https://safeharborim.com/articles/.
by Marquetta Smith | Feb 6, 2021 | Family Life, Featured Post
How do we define family? I was pondering this question over and over in my head the other day when my best friend asked me to write an article on family. I thought of the many families that I have talked to throughout the years, and I started to think about what exactly made them family.
What structure or makeup considers family as being a family? Webster dictionary describes a family as “A group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head.”
Today, we see so many types of families. Traditionally, we have seen families with one father, and one mother, with children. But as our society has changed, we see more and more households changing from that traditional family makeup.
In some instances, we see the grandparents raising their grandchildren. You may see siblings taking care of their younger siblings, or you may see aunts and uncles raising their sibling’s children. Whatever the case, it has become very noticeable that what we once considered a family unit has expanded.
We can see that families at times are put together by default, for lack of better words. We have even seen more and more couples who cannot have children for various reasons are adopting or fostering children.
Families can be made up of different races, ethnic groups, or a group of complete strangers deciding to live together and becoming a family. We see same-sex couples raising children, or taking in the neighbor’s children due to their parents dying.
To sum this all up, a family is considered family, no matter what the makeup may be. Remember that however you became a family, God loves you and your family so much.
There are many ways we view family, but I was interested in how God sees families. I began to take a closer look at some of the families in the Bible, along with the first family in the Bible, Adam and Eve. I was able to see so many things God was telling us about the families mentioned in the Bible and the many responsibilities families have.
Let’s take a closer look at Adam and Eve. Many times when people read or even teach on the first family in the Bible, they highlight how Adam and Eve sinned and were kicked out of their first home, the garden. They also focus on Cain and Abel (Adam and Eve’s first sons) issues.
It is very clear that this family was dysfunctional in some ways. The first family’s sons had issues with each other and one son went as far as to kill his brother. Wow, talk about having some family issues.
All families have some form of dysfunction, just like the first family in the Bible. They were found being disobedient towards God, doing things in their own way, and ultimately rejecting God’s original plan He had for their lives.
So if you ever get sad and upset about your family having some problems, keep in mind that all throughout the Bible, we can see so many dysfunctional families with so many problems. Know that you are not alone.
Do you think that God put all of these families’ issues and problems in the Bible so we can understand that no family here on earth is perfect, or ever will be? That is truly something to think about.
But guess what? God had a plan to restore us back to Him through His son Jesus Christ, and this, in turn, allowed us back in the garden to fellowship with Him. Even when they messed up, God had a plan to restore them back to Him, because He had a plan for families.
So, we can see that God did not abandon Adam and Eve, or change His mind about mankind, or even families. God has had a plan all along for families. He has a purpose for everything under the sun that was made and created.
Just like your family, God had an original plan laid out for your family even before you were born. You may not have seen it, but it is true. God never makes anything without giving it a purpose.
By taking a closer look at scriptures and the stories in the bible of the families, we will be able to get a glimpse into why God created families. We will then be able to see the purpose for families. Let’s take a look at some of the families in the Bible and how God gave each family responsibilities.
What are the responsibilities that are given to the family:
Provide basic needs (food, clothing, shelter):
- In Proverbs 31:15, God talks about the virtuous woman. “She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family.” We can see here that God designed family to be a provider of needs for our families, whether you are a single mom, or a couple raising children. Families are designed to provide these basic needs for the ones under their care.
Praying for each other:
- There was a man in the Bible named Cornelius in Acts 10:2. “He and his family were devout and God-fearing; he gave generously to those in need and prayed to God regularly.” Families are called to pray to God and pray for one another on a regular basis.
- In Acts 10:4, God even told Cornelius that his prayers and what he did for others came up to heaven as a memorial offering before God. I believe that it touches God’s heart when He sees families praying and praying for others where it sets up a memorial before the Lord. A memorial is something that God will remember.
- God will remember you and your family when you seek Him on a regular basis for direction. Families are called to pray for one another.
Providing Protection:
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- God has charged families to protect each other. In 1 Samuel 30, David’s entire family was taken captive. First, David wept bitterly over his family being taken. This shows us that he cared deeply for them and how he loved them so much. Secondly, David prayed to God for strength to get them back. So after David cried and prayed, he got up and went after his family to get them back. Wow, what a protector David was. David did not want to see any harm come to his loved ones, and he would have stopped at nothing to get them back.
- I truly believe that God created families to have the innate ability to protect and defend their family at all cost. Families should not want to see harm come to anyone in their family. Families are called to provide protection and safety for their loved ones.
Pronouncing blessings over your family:
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- In Genesis 27:33-37, we see that Isaac pronounced blessings over his children. We see the passing of family blessings down to the next generation. It is so important to speak blessings over our family and not curses.
- You may be saying to yourself, “I have never cursed my family,” but think about this: when you say negative things about and over an individual, basically, you are cursing them. You are speaking the opposite of what God has spoken.
- Telling your son that he is going to end up “just like his good for nothing daddy” is speaking a curse over him. I don’t care what that child is doing, God has called that child blessed, and He has a purpose for that child. You may not see it because of what you see that child doing now, but God has already called that child blessed. We must learn to watch what we speak over our families and our children. Families are called to pronounce the blessings of God over their families.
Providing Love:
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- The opposite of love is rejection. We see so many rejected individuals walking around in life, and we wonder why they act the way that they act, simply because they came from a home that rejected them. Telling children “I wish you were never born” is a form of rejection. When we speak such words, we are planting seeds of rejection, and those seeds take root.
- There are many ways we reject our families: not speaking to them for long periods of time, ignoring them even when they are in the same room, withholding affection from them, not hugging them, never affirming them and using your words to tell them that you love them, not listening to them, telling them that they don’t matter. The list goes on and on.
- God has called the family to love each other as Christ loves the church, Ephesians 5:25. We are also seeing a large number of orphans in society, and guess what? They are also dealing with the spirit of abandonment and rejection. I believe that God is moving on the hearts of families to take these orphans in and to show them the love of Christ. Rejection is such a hard thing to deal with, and God never intended for families to live in a state of being rejected. The family was created to love one another and to show love.
Passing down of Skills:
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- At Genesis chapter 4:2, we see that at that time, Adam and Eve (the first family in the Bible) gave birth to sons Cain and Abel, and both sons had jobs and skills. Abel kept flocks (he was a shepherd) and Cain worked the soil (he was a farmer). Where did they learn these skills, one might ask? At that time, there were only two other human beings on the earth, Adam and Eve, their parents. It is safe to assume that their parents taught them how to farm and keep flocks.
- If you take a look at families today, you can see that each family has skills and abilities they can pass along to their children. I look at my family, and I see so many women in my family are very skillful at cooking, sewing, and making things by hand. We also have many men in our family who are good at working on cars, house repairs, and building things. I look at all of this raw talent and I am truly amazed by all of the gifts that God has given my family. I am also glad to see them pass these skills along to the younger generation.
- I believe that we can learn from this first family and how they taught their sons skills. Question: Have you shared with your family members skills that you have learned? You may be saying to yourself, I don’t have any special talents to pass along to anyone. Every person on earth is equipped with some type of ability to do something. Ask God today to show you what that skill is.
- I truly believe that He will amaze you with what He shows you. All families are equipped with a set of unique skills and abilities. Families are called to pass along skills to the younger generation.
Identity:
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- David had a son named Solomon. One day, David received a word from God about Solomon and how God had chosen Solomon to build God’s temple. In I Chronicles 22, we see that David wanted to build this magnificent temple, for God had intended for Solomon to build it. Building God’s house was what Solomon was chosen to do.
- His identity was quickly discovered at a young age. Because David was a praying man and sought God on what to do in every aspect of his life, including how His son was to be used by God, David was able to get a glimpse of who Solomon was and the calling on His life. We never see David trying to persuade Solomon to do something else with his life. Instead, we see in chapter 22:7-16, David telling Solomon who God called him to be, and what he was chosen to do. David prays and prophesy over his son in I Chronicles:
I Chronicles 22:11-13: “Now, my son, the Lord be with you, and may you have success and build the house of the Lord your God, as he said you would.
12 May the Lord give you discretion and understanding when he puts you in command over Israel, so that you may keep the law of the Lord your God.
13 Then you will have success if you are careful to observe the decrees and laws that the Lord gave Moses for Israel. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged.”
We see in I Chronicles 22:14 how David begins making preparations for Solomon to build the temple: “I have taken great pains to provide for the temple of the Lord…” In all of these passages, we see how David encourages Solomon to be who God called him to be, without trying to change him into who he wants Solomon to be.
- In other words, David agrees with God’s plan for who He has created Solomon to be, and what he is to do with his life. Families are all called to help their children establish their identity in God.
As we have seen in these seven points on what God has called the family to do, families have a great responsibility. It doesn’t matter who your family is and how you became a family, God has a purpose for each family. Do you know the purpose of your family?
The article was written by Marquetta Smith, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries
by Marquetta Smith | Mar 9, 2020 | Dating, Featured Post, Teen issues
Growing up, I loved watching Disney movies. I loved the talking animals, the catchy songs, and the whimsical magic that surrounded these stories. However, there is one quality that most of these movies had that stands out the most; the romance.
Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and many others exposed us to romance at a very young age. It’s a very specific kind of romance, too, and it can look like this depending on the story:
- A beautiful princess who is in trouble and needs to be saved/ cared for.
- A charming prince who has everything he needs in life except for love.
- An evil older woman who is jealous of the princess and schemes to destroy her life.
- A wedding between the prince and princess where they all live “happily ever after.”
For my generation and those before me, these stories were marketed as what all romance should be like. However, as society shifts towards a more progressive outlook, so do young people’s feelings about dating. Studies show that teen dating rates have declined in the past 40 years. The percentage of high school seniors dating has dropped from 33% in the 1970’s to 14% in recent years. Even in the past decade, the percentage of seniors dating dropped from 17% to 14% in just 3 years This could be due to the changing social constructs that now surround teen dating. It could also be due to the rise of social media. The Telegraph reported that it could also be because of less social interaction amongst teens due to social media.
Regardless of the reason, teenagers should still know about healthy relationships and how to have one. As much as some parents would hate to admit it, dating as a teenager can have positive impacts. Teen dating allows young people to practice forming and maintaining relationships. Dating as a teen also helps young people develop certain social skills. However, it is still important for teens to be able to recognize when they are ready to start dating.
So, how do you know if you’re ready to date? Here are a few indicators:
1. You have a stable sense of self- worth.
Knowing what you’re worth is the first step in knowing if you are ready to date. Sometimes this can be difficult for teenagers who still struggle with their sense of identity and purpose. It is hard to accept that you must love yourself first when we are fed stories about the “damsel in distress.” We all want to be so special to someone that they will come to our rescue.
Being in a loving relationship can teach you how to love yourself. This is true for me in my current relationship and true of many others. However, this does not typically work for teenagers for a number of reasons. First, teens don’t typically have the life experience necessary to see toxic behaviors in a relationship. This leaves teenagers vulnerable to domestic violence. In fact, Love is Respect found that teenagers and young adult women have the highest statistics for domestic violence. This is why it is so important for teenagers to have high self esteem before they start dating. Teenagers with low self esteem are more likely to be victimized by a partner that is also still learning about themselves. It is harder for them to see abuse because they don’t think they are worth anything more than that.
In addition, having low self esteem seems to be linked with having a victim mentality. People with this mentality often see their problems and other people as “bigger” than they are. They don’t feel as though they can help themselves, so they look to others for that help. This leaves them open to being revictimized by narcissists who require constant control. It is dangerous to start dating as a teen if you are not prepared to deal with these kinds of predators.
It is unrealistic as a teen to expect another teen to know how to love you. Knowing your worth before you share yourself with someone else is the most important thing before you start dating.
2. You are open to learning how to communicate.
Communication is key in any relationship, including teen relationships. It encompasses many different aspects of a relationship. It involves being honest, listening, understanding, and valuing consent. All of these things require a lot of experience in order to master. The truth is that most teenagers just don’t have this kind of experience. At their age, teens are still learning how to ask rather than demand. They are still learning how to articulate their feelings. They are still learning how to listen intently and understand empathy.
Communication is a learned skill that many adults even struggle with. I’m 25 years old and am still learning new ways to communicate effectively. The best starting point for teenagers is being open to learning how to communicate. This means looking at the relationships that you have now, and practicing. When you are upset with your parents, calmly communicate with them instead of shutting yourself away in your room. If a teammate isn’t pulling their weight, be respectfully honest with them instead of talking about them behind their back. When gossip causes drama with your friend group, ask for clarity from them instead of continuing the gossip.
The bottom line is that a romantic relationship is not the place to first practice communication. If you are not successful at communicating in other relationships, then you are not ready to start a romantic one.
3. You can learn to compromise.
Like communication, the ability to compromise can have a huge impact on the quality of your relationship. Also like communication, compromising is something that many teenagers struggle with. When you’re a teen, you might not have much experience with having to compromise. However, being able to compromise shows a level of maturity that is required to be in a healthy relationship.
A relationship is a partnership. It is two people choosing to walk the same path together. This means being able to put your partner’s needs before your own. It means setting aside your ego for the sake of your partner.
Like communication, compromising is something that can be practiced. Before starting a romantic relationship, practice compromising in other situations. If you and your friend want to see different movies, suggest making a compromise instead of arguing about it. Offer to watch their movie in exchange for going to your favorite restaurant after. Obviously, the compromises you’ll face while dating may have higher stakes than this, but it’s a good starting point. How do you expect to have something in your romantic relationship that you don’t have in all of your other relationships?
Compromising also means knowing when to compromise and when to stand firm. Again, this is something that only comes with life experience and maturity. Compromising too little strains the development of intimacy. Compromising too much leaves people vulnerable to manipulation. There is a difference between compromising and being controlled. A compromise means that both people get something out of the deal. It is not a one way street. Knowing when to compromise is just as important as knowing how. Teenagers need to know this balance before getting into a relationship.
Conclusion
Dating as a teenager is an experience that many young people are familiar with, but not always good at. The level of maturity and life experience needed to have a healthy relationship is not something that most teenagers have. It is important to teens to be self aware in their relationships so that they know when they are ready for this next chapter.
Disney movies are nice to watch, but they do not represent modern dating trends. Having a good start to romantic relationships sets up teens to have successful relationships as adults.
Written by Bethany Fischer, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, please visit our blog page at https:/safeharborim.com/articles/
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels and Photo by Trinity Kubassek from Pexels
by Marquetta Smith | Feb 26, 2020 | Dating, Teen issues, Teens
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. How could there be? People make mistakes all the time, and these mistakes often affect more people than the person making the mistake. This includes their romantic partners. Because of this, it can be difficult for people to know when they are in a bad relationship. This is especially true of teengagers who don’t have life experience to refer to. How can you tell if there is no perfect standard to look towards?
For teenagers, there are many signs that you should look for to know if you are in a bad relationship. Studies even show that 1/3rd of teenagers will experience some kind of abuse in their romantic relationships. Some are easy to notice, like physical or sexual abuse. However, there are many others that are subtle and easy to overlook. Once you know them, they are easy to spot. Here are 3 huge signs that you might be in a bad relationship:
1. They gaslight you.
According to Encyclopedia Britannica, gaslighting is “an elaborate technique of psychological manipulation, usually by one deciever to one victim over and extended period.” Basically, this is when your partner manipulates you into not trusting your own sanity. It is a narcissistic type of abuse that is used to reaffirm the abusers need for affirmation and power. It takes many forms, but can look something like this:
You find texts between your partner and their ex. They are intimate in nature. You confront your partner with the evidence, but they deny it. How can they deny it when you have proof in your hands? You push forward, but they still deny the texts, and they turn it against you. Why were you going through their phone? You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re just mad and crazy. They know what it looks like, but they promise that it’s just your imagination. They snatch the phone away from you and complain about the invasion of privacy. You wonder if they are right.
This happens over and over again, until you lose your self esteem. You question all of your thoughts and choices. Eventually, your partner has complete control and knows they can do whatever they want without the fear of consequences.
Gaslighting has only recently been identified as a form of abuse, but it is detrimental to its victims. It destroys any sense of sanity or self esteem one has, and leaves the victim at the mercy of their abuser. It allows the abuser to isolate and manipulate their victim even further until they have been completely dominated. It is especially important for teenagers to look out for this red flag. This is because it is generally easier to manipulate and influence a young person. Because it is so catastrophic to the psyche, it is important to notice early when your partner is gaslighting you.
2. They lie to you constantly.
You hear it all the time: “Honesty is the best policy.” This may seem like a no brainer, but for some people, it is easier said than done. Some may even ask why lying is bad in a relationship in the first place. What is a little white lie to spare the feelings of someone you care about? Who cares if you bend the truth just a bit if it helps keep things comfortable? The truth is that no matter what the intention is behind the lie, it is damaging.
It is easy for teens to overlook lying as a red flag because it is something that many teens do. However, lying damages a relationship in many ways. Like gaslighting, it undermines the victims self esteem and confidence. It leads to distrust, which blocks the growth of intimacy. It stimulates feelings of guilt, shame, and paranoia. Victims of chronic lying often report feelings of anxiety and suspicion in regards to their partners. Research from The Center of Ethical Leadership even shows that lying can have negative impacts on your brain.
When your partner lies to you, they are not respecting you. They are insulting your intelligence by assuming that you can’t see through their stories. They don’t care about your feelings because they don’t care about the effects their lies have on you. They don’t recognize your relationship as a partnership and see you as beneath them. Teenagers need to be taught that lying is not healthy in any relationship. This knowledge could help them identify and avoid bad partners as an adult.
3. You don’t trust each other.
Trust is arguably the most important thing in any relationship. Relationships will ultimately fall apart if there is not some level of trust and understanding between partners. A lack of trust can cause a relationship to break down in many different ways. For example,if your partner doesn’t trust you, it can cause them to act irrationally. This could look like being overly controlling of the way you dress or the people you talk to. It can also look like invading your privacy or lying. None of these things stimulate positive growth in any relationship.
If there is no trust in a relationship, there is no foundation to build anything long lasting on. You can’t count on each other. You can’t assume that your partner has your best interests at heart. You can’t be at ease in your life because you will always be worrying about the other person betraying you. Trust is a 2 sided coin. Your partner has to trust you as much as you trust them in order for a relationship to work properly. Staying in a trustless relationship wastes time and leaves people, especially teenagers, vulnerable to abuse in the future.
Conclusion
Knowing the signs of a bad relationship is the first step in identifying toxic behaviors in your own life. It’s easy to see some of these signs, but smaller red flags that can also cause significant damage. It is especially important for teenagers to be able to see these signs as soon as they see them in their relationships. Love is about trust and honesty; there is no room for manipulation and deceit.
Written by Bethany Fischer, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, please visit our blog page at https:/safeharborim.com/articles/
Sources:
https://www.britannica.com/topic/gaslighting
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201801/how-secrets-and-lies-destroy-relationships
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/relationships-trust_b_3000579
https://www.thoughtco.com/low-self-esteem-linked-domestic-violence-3533790
https://www.apa.org/topics/sexual-abuse/
https://ethicalleadership.nd.edu/news/what-dishonesty-does-to-your-brain-why-lying-becomes-easier-and-easier/
https://www.teendvmonth.org/teens-suffer-emotional-abuse-relationships/
