When you hear the words “domestic violence,” what comes to mind? Do you think of continual beatings, or domineering physical behavior?

While those are forms of domestic violence, domestic abuse is also much more than that. One definition of domestic violence is:

“A pattern of coercive, controlling behavior that is a pervasive, life-threatening crime affecting people in all our communities, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, religion, social standing and immigration status.” (www.centerforfamilyjustice.org/faq/domesticviolence)

When you read that definition of domestic violence, was that what you originally thought? Domestic violence is a broad topic and can involve many behaviors, not just a single act. It can range from controlling access to money, to conducting physical abuse.

If you are experiencing any of these actions, please continue to read this article, which includes the story of Sandra and how she escaped from verbal and physical abuse.

Domestic Violence: How Do We Identify It?

Domestic violence is not always easy to diagnose. On the outside, some of the best relationships look perfect, but there can still be issues. If you take any relationship and dissect it, you will find flaws. When dating someone, you should be aware of when there are problems in your relationship, and when they are urgent enough to require help for yourself and your family. Some signs of potential domestic violence include when your partner:

• Accuses you of having an affair
• Blames you for abuse
• Criticizes you
• Tells you what to wear and controls how you should look
• Threatens to kill you
• Yells at you and degrades you (www.webmd.com/mentalhealth).

If you have experienced any of the above signs, please let someone know. Do not think you are alone. There are people that support and care for you. As a word of encouragement, please read on to discover the story of a domestic violence victim and how she escaped her situation.

A Different Kind of Love

My name is Sandra, and I met the love of my life almost two months ago. I had no idea that two months later that I would be sitting in a women’s shelter with my baby. Because I do not want anyone else to go through what I went through, I want to share my story here.

I fell in love with him when I first saw him, and initially, he was handsome and thoughtful. He would open doors for me, took the time to ask me how I was, and asked about what I wanted in life. I fell hard for him, and we immediately moved in together. We were so happy at the beginning. I did not think anything could go wrong. But I was wrong.

Although things changed slowly, they did definitely change. The first issue was about my money and how much I was spending. The second was about how he wanted me to look when I left home. Occasionally, he belittled me, but I would brush off his comments. When he told me that I was worthless and stupid, or that no one else would want want me, I shrugged off all his criticisms.

I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells, and I did not know what to say or how to respond. I became afraid of him and thought that he might kill me. After every incident of abuse, he told me it would not happen again. He told me he loved me and that he would always be there for me. And yes, each time I believed him. The beatings grew more intense as time passed, and one day, all of a sudden he slapped me down the stairs. I felt incredibly alone and lost.

Would Anyone Help Me, or Would I be Alone?

I was embarrassed to tell anyone about the domestic abuse. Would they say, “Sandra, you are such a fool”? I thought that I was to blame for what was happening to me, so I hid the abuse. I hid the bruises and cuts. Most of all, I hid the pain. I internalized everything. What else could I do? I told everyone he was perfect. I did not want to ruin the image I created. Maybe if I had told some people, they would have welcomed me with open arms. But I had no idea who to tell and nowhere to go.

Two months later, I took a pregnancy test, and it came back positive. After that moment, I realized I did not want to have my baby in those circumstances.

Sandra came up with a plan: on grocery day, when she had some time in the free world, she would ask for help. However, doing so would be difficult since her partner monitored her mileage and where she went. Nevertheless, what he thought was her grocery store trip turned out to be a completely different kind of trip. Sandra called the National Domestic Hotline, and they advised her to go to her local police station to file a report and get a restraining order. Sandra was terribly scared, but she decided to do it.

The police processed everything, and then escorted her back to his home to collect her things. She was able to get into a women’s shelter, find a job, and restart her life. Sandra was extremely grateful to leave that relationship, and did not ever put herself in that position again.

Not Everyone Is So Lucky

Sandra was able to escape, but not everyone affected by domestic violence can escape their circumstances. In the United States, there are 20 people per minute physically abused by an intimate partner (www.ncadv.org/statistics). This equates to a total of 10 million women and men. Those are a lot of people who are being abused or are experiencing some type of physical or emotional violence. That is why having the resources you can use in your time of need is absolutely crucial.

Resources for Domestic Violence Victims

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline number is 1-800-799-7233. This hotline can direct you to resources in your area and provide referrals for services that you may need. If you are in danger and can get away safely, you can also go to your local police station. If you have a trusted friend or confidant, that is also an option. They may be able to get you to a safe place secretly and protect you and your family.

These are a few options to consider. Whichever way you choose, be safe, and always watch your surroundings.

Always Be True To Yourself

Whichever manner you get out of a domestic violence situation does not matter. What matters is that you get out of your current circumstances and that you do not let that abuse happen again. Unfortunately, domestic violence is on the rise, and 1 in 4 women will experience physical violence in their lifetime (www.ncadv.org/statistics). Always be aware of abusive behavioral signals and have a plan of action in place. A relationship can seem perfect, but later crumble due to economic and personal factors. Always remember your identity and your worth. Please do not ever let anyone diminish your inherent dignity or try to change you. You are worth so much more than that. Always remember your worth.

Written by Diana Ashworth, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries