by Marquetta Smith | Apr 11, 2021 | Abuse, Family Life, Spiritual Abuse
I wrote an article a few days ago about the signs of spiritual abuse and how to recognize this type of abuse within a church. After the article was written, I was asked by someone to talk about the effects of this type of abuse, because they had a friend that was still struggling with the effects of spiritual abuse. Also, some people are still trying to say that this abuse is not real, and that there could not possibly be any effects to such a thing. In this article, I have compiled a list of 7 effects of spiritual abuse that may be helpful.
Over the past 17 years as a social worker, I have worked with many victims who have experienced all types of horrific forms of abuse, from child abuse victims, to sexual abuse victims, elder abuse, domestic violence victims, victims of assaults, human trafficking, etc. You name it, I have pretty much worked with them. Either I have counseled them, conducted support groups for them, or helped them find valuable resources.
Basically, my job as a social worker was to help each victim begin the painful steps toward recovery. When working with victims who have dealt with any form of abuse, you must first help them recognize the type of abuse that they are experiencing. Helping them to recognize that they have been a victim of spiritual abuse can be the hardest thing to do, but this simple first step is very crucial towards recovery.
Secondly, get them to open up to you about how they feel about how they have been treated. Let them talk! They will need to tell their story at this time. This will help you establish some type of trust with them. Trust me when I tell you that they will need someone in whom they can trust, because their trust in their spiritual leaders has been destroyed completely.
Having gone through physical and sexual abuse myself, and experiencing spiritual abuse as well, I know first hand the devastating effects of this type of abuse.
I have compiled a list of effects of spiritual abuse that may be helpful when talking with someone who is going through this:
The 7 Effects of Spiritual Abuse
- Shock and denial: Most followers may be in a state of disbelief and denial at first. This is quite normal for followers to experience this initially. They may have been presented with all of the signs of spiritual abuse, but may refuse to believe that they are going through this. They may even become immersed in serving in the church to prove to everyone that this is not spiritual abuse, and that the enemy is trying to deceive them.
- Fear: Followers may feel extremely fearful towards their spiritual leader or other leaders; lack of trust for authority. Followers may even have some type of fear towards God. They may feel that God cannot be trusted, or that they cannot trust going to another church because of the fear of being hurt again. Followers may even pull away from their faith and become an atheist.
- Anger and Rage: Anger towards self and others around them. They may be angry with themselves for choosing such a church and not recognizing the abuse sooner. They may become extremely mad at the leaders and the other followers. This is where you will see followers start forming cliques and groups to talk about the leader. Note: This is very dangerous to do. Do not form cliques to overthrow the leader or leaders. God has not called anyone to tear down a church or divide His house.
- Loss of meaning: Followers may feel disempowered, and feel like they do not have a sense of meaning or a reason to live. They may feel as though they do not have any purpose in life and that God will never use them.
- Withdrawn: Followers may withdraw from friends or family members or other members of the church. They may feel like no one understands what they are going through. They can feel totally isolated.
- Health and/or psychological problems: Followers may exhibit unexplained health problems. Headaches, backaches, having trouble breathing, fatigue, frequently experiencing times of extreme exhaustion, panic or anxiety attacks that come out of nowhere, etc. This may be due to the body showing signs of what is happening on the inside of the person’s body. High stress environments have a tendency to produce sickness within a person’s body if not dealt with. Also, they may experience being extremely irritable, have frequent mood swings, weight gain (obesity), weight loss, overeating or eating very little can all be effects of this type of abuse. Followers may also experience depression, or even become suicidal. One woman described it as having the “life sucked out of you.” It may feel as if someone has their hand around your neck, squeezing until all of the life is gone.
- Shame or humiliation: They may ask questions like, “how did I let this happen to me?” “Why did I end up in this church?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why didn’t I see this coming?”
Of course, this list is not the complete list of effects that one may see, but it is a start to help someone recognize the problem. In the near future, my blog will contain articles on this subject and how to heal from all types of abuse for those of you who will need more information on this.
If this is happening to you, allow God to show you how to exit the church in love, and find a place of healing and recovery. I have seen God show His people how to exit quietly, without disrupting the masses. Remember, everyone may not be aware of the spiritual abuse that is taking place. God will reveal it to them in His own timing and season. God is much better at unmasking the ugliness that goes on behind the pulpit, as we can see throughout the recent years how these churches have been exposed of their “wrongdoings”. It is not up to us to lead a revolt!
God showed us love while we were yet in our own sins. He will do the same for everyone else. Remember that God is a God of love and peace, not strife and bitterness.
Please share this with someone you may know that is going through this. This could very well save their life.
Article By Marquetta Smith, Executive Director of Safe Harbor IM
by Marquetta Smith | Mar 21, 2021 | Abuse, Family Life, Family Violence
What is Spiritual Abuse?
When you think about the word abuse, what comes to mind? Family violence, child abuse, domestic violence, etc. Yes, all the above are different kinds of abuse, and all can be highly devastating…but what about spiritual abuse? Can someone actually experience spiritual abuse, and what is it?
First, we must define what abuse is. Abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional) occurs when someone has power over another and uses that power to hurt, manipulate, and control.
In a book called Healing Spiritual Abuse by Ken Blue, he compares other types of abuse with spiritual abuse: “Physical abuse means that someone exercises physical power over another, causing physical wounds. Sexual abuse means that someone exercises sexual power over another, resulting in sexual wounds. And spiritual abuse happens when a leader with spiritual authority uses that authority to coerce, control or exploit a follower, thus causing spiritual wounds.”
The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen, describes spiritual abuse as: “Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another without regard to what will result in the other person’s state of living, emotions, or well-being. In this application, power is used to bolster the position or needs over and above one who wants help”.
7 signs of spiritual abuse:
God Syndrome:
If your spiritual leader has the “God Syndrome” or acts as if they are godlike. For example, the leader may say that he or she speaks for God, that God works exclusively through his or her ministry. Or that followers can please God by pleasing the leader. Or they say, “follow me as I follow God,” or they must see God through their eyes only. These leaders are also emotionally unstable, and they are prone to extreme mood swings that cannot be explained. This may just be seen by followers who work closely with the leader and have close contact with the leader behind closed doors. They tend to exhibit complex/hard emotions and mask their real feelings with false humility.
Pulpit Idolatry:
Extreme admiration, love, or reverence for the leader is required. The leader constantly makes their followers put them on a pedestal or makes everyone exalt and esteem him or her higher than God. The leader is continuously teaching to honoring them, the leader. They make it a rule for their followers to stand or clap every time they enter a room, and if followers do not follow this rule, they are disciplined or told that they are not in line with God’s vision, or they are not submitting to authority.
Burned Out and Exhausted:
You may notice that the followers are quickly burned out and extremely overworked in a spiritually abusive atmosphere. They always feel exhausted after church or serving in any capacity of the church, and they do this all in the name of God. Their church life seems one continuous demand on their time with never a chance to rest. This is a spiritual abuse warning sign.
Individuals are often told this “church work is first, and everything else comes second.” They’re made to feel guilty for not serving or taking a break from their ministry; this is a “project-driven church.” The leader forces his or her followers to participate in multiple projects with little to no breaks in between. FYI…even God rested on the seventh day.
Perfectionism and Rigid Rules:
If your leader requires you to follow rigid rules or doctrine to prove that you are purified and cleaned to serve in the church, that is also a spiritual abuse warning sign. Leaders require complete sanctification from members to prove that they are saved and are ready to serve in the church. Leaders use this as a mask or cover-up and tell their followers that they must be mature before serving the Lord. But in reality, they want total submission from followers before they can be trusted to fit/serve in any ministry. The leader’s hopes are that the follower will be totally brainwashed with rigid rules that the leader put in place to gain total control over the follower. Simply putting it, the follower should not get out of line.
Stripped Individualism and Controlling Private Life:
Leaders are making rules that would govern every move of the follower outside of the church. I am not talking about Biblical, sound doctrine that Christians should be taught, but how leaders interpret and teach doctrine that turns into controlling every aspect of the follower’s life. Followers are conditioned to act a certain way, talk, and respond to everyday life issues according to how the leader sees life.
Followers are programmed on how to look at the news, what to think about the governmental leaders, and how to simply view the world around them, being brainwashed and programmed to believe and live according to how the leader thinks, leaving the follower without any sense of identity. Basically, you will see “cloned followers” that look and act like the leader and not God.
Fear:
Leaders will use fear and bullying to control followers, creating crippling fear that keeps followers depending on their leader for all of life’s answers. Individual ideas are not welcomed. Leaders also use debilitating fear of the enemy (devil). You will notice that the leader will constantly teach on the subject of “the enemy” or stay focused on the enemy and what the enemy is doing. More emphasis is placed on the warring against dark forces, leaving people afraid of the spiritual world.
Paranoia comes to mind when you see this in action, leaving the followers dependent on the leader to show them how to live to avoid the scary world the leader has created for them.
Island Mentality:
Leaders have the mentality that their church is the only church that hears from God. They claim that they alone have the truth and that they independently practice Biblical Christianity, or that they alone have access to God’s will and pleasure. They speak against other churches and constantly compare their church to others. Whether they do this publicly or privately, it is still clear to its followers that “our Church” has everything and that the followers should not venture out from their own church, or “island,” as I like to call it.
If followers leave the leader, they are talked about publicly and made to feel as though they have rejected God and that something terrible will happen to them or that they will be punished by God for leaving.
Question: Has God ever controlled anyone, made them feel ashamed, or humiliated, burned someone out, told them never to rest, or told them they have to be perfect? The answer is a resounding no.
God is a God of love, compassion, truth, and full of mercy and grace. He is long-suffering and patient. Shouldn’t our spiritual leaders follow God’s example of how to love His people?
If you or someone you know is experiencing any of the 7 signs of spiritual abuse…run, run, run. Like any other form of abuse, the effects of spiritual abuse can be devastating and could have long-lasting effects. Think about it: Maybe it’s time to consider what steps you will need to take to get out and find a loving church full of compassion and truth.
Article by Marquetta Smith, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, check out our blog page: https://safeharborim.com/articles/.
by Marquetta Smith | Jul 20, 2019 | Abuse, Family Life, Spiritual Abuse
“Whom the Son has set free is free indeed.”
Years ago, I worked as a bereavement counselor for a hospice hospital. While working there, I came in contact with many families who had gone through tremendous grief and hurt because they lost a loved one. During that time, I learned a great deal about grief and loss. I would counsel families after they had lost a loved one through some type of sickness or disease.
The most important advice that I could give families while they were in their most vulnerable state was to “allow themselves time to grieve, and get plenty of rest.” I walked many families through the process of grieving. Years later, families would reach out to me through cards or letters and thank me for that one important piece of advice, because they truly did not know how to begin the steps to recovery after they had lost a loved one.
People who have gone through abuse of any form can benefit from the same advice that is given to so many families who have lost loved ones. Individuals who have suffered from abuse must go through a grieving process as well. After all, they lost a lot through their ordeal of abuse. Some have lost their looks through being disfigured from physical abuse. Some have lost finances, jobs, friends, their church home, children and family members because of the abuse. For others, the emotional scars have taken a toll on their mind and body.
After my mom went through 43 years of being in an abusive marriage, her healing process was very long. It took years after the abuse for my mom to realize just how deep her scars of abuse went. It was only through the process of grief and healing from the past abuse that she soon began to show signs of recovery.
How quickly someone recovers from abuse sometimes can depend on many factors, such as how long a person has gone through abuse, and/or how traumatic the abuse was. But the thing to remember here is that there is no set time that is stamped on a person’s recovery time.
Within the next week, I am going to post another article (part 2) on the steps to healing from abuse. There will be simple assignments and questions to ask yourself if you are coming out of an abusive relationship, or have been a victim of spiritual abuse.
I am purposely spreading out the stages to allow individuals time to grasp the steps. These steps can hopefully be used whether someone is dealing with spiritual abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and/or emotional abuse.
Steps to Begin the Healing Process From Abuse
- Move away from the source of the abuse: It is very difficult to begin the healing process if you are still being abused.
- Physical abuse: If the abuse is still going on, the individual who is being abused may become very angry and begin retaliating. In turn, this can cause the abuser to attempt to regain his/her control through becoming more violent. It can become very dangerous for someone who is already being physically or sexually abused. For individuals who are being physically or sexually abused, or feel threatened in any way and are trying to leave, please contact your local domestic violence hotline, or you can call the U.S. Abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224(TTY). They have trained counselors who can walk you through a safety plan to leave the abuser. It is very important to have a plan of action before you take action!
- Individuals who are dealing with spiritual abuse: It is also important for individuals to leave the place where the spiritual abuse is taking place. Staying will only create more bitterness, anger, and resentment within the individual who is dealing with this type of abuse. Individuals who stay longer will even start to resent God. At this point, some people may feel the need to write a letter to or request a face to face meeting with their spiritual leader or leaders explaining and outlining all of the leader’s faults and how they have abused them. “This may not be a good idea, especially when you are trying to leave the abusive situation. Your emotions are very raw during this time, and you may say or do something that you will regret later on. It is not the time to confront the abuser when you are trying to leave any abusive situation. It only makes matters worse.”
- Rest:
- After individuals have gotten away from their abuser, taking the time to rest is very critical at this stage of the healing process.
This is the time for the individual to allow themselves time to process what has happened to them. Also maintaining a balanced nutritious diet and exercise can be extremely important during this time.
- During this time of allowing themselves to rest, the individual may start going through some of the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Not everyone goes through all of them, or in a prescribed order. Also, keep in mind that a person can go through these stages many times. I will only talk about two out of the five stages of grief in this post.
- One of the first stages of grief a person may experience is denial. Denial helps us to survive the trauma or loss. In this stage, life makes no sense. Individuals are in a state of shock and denial. They go numb. They wonder how they can go on, if they can go on, or if they should go on. They try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help individuals to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps pace individuals feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as they can handle. A family who I was counseling in hospice described shock as “God’s gentle way of protecting us from absorbing or taking in all at once everything that has happened to them.” As an individual accepts the reality of the abuse and starts to ask themselves questions, they are unknowingly beginning the healing process. They are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as they proceed, all the feelings they were denying will begin to surface. (grief.com)
- Anger: Get angry! It’s okay to be angry about what has happened to them and the abuser. The more the individual allows themselves to feel, the better they will feel and it will truly aid in the healing process. Many Christians have a hard time with this stage of grief, because they may express anger towards God, and if they feel angry towards God, they may think that they are sinning. Guess what? God is a big God and He can handle all of our emotions. It’s okay to feel emotions and anger is one of them. Let it out! Individuals may also be angry at themselves for being abused. When talking with a person who has been abused, always remember that the abuse was not the individual’s fault. They did not ask to be abused. Don’t make them feel guilty about the abuse.
Going through the healing process after being abused can be painful, very lonely, and hard. I would strongly suggest that if a person has gone through any form of abuse to seek professional counseling or join a support group in their area.
For more information on the stages of grief and loss, you can visit grief.com.
Assignments:
- Individuals who are reading this article; you are challenged to share this article with someone who is in or who has gone through any of the abusive relationships mentioned above. It is time to show them that you care.
- For individuals who are still in an abusive relationship, reach out to someone who you can talk to for help and make the call to the abuse hotline for further guidance on taking steps to leave the abusive relationship.
- For individuals who have left abusive relationships, you are encouraged to seek counseling or join a support group. Talking with a trained professional or joining a support group will aid in your healing process. It is time for you to live again!
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Article by Marquetta Smith, MSSW, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries
by Marquetta Smith | Jul 2, 2019 | Abuse, Spiritual Abuse
A month ago, I gave several steps in an article that I wrote called “A Time of Healing” that victims of abuse can take in order to begin the process of healing from being abused. For those of you who are coming out of an abusive situation, I want to continue sharing thoughts and steps of how to continue the healing process. 
Abusers guilt: Stop carrying the abuse guilt around. Let the guilt go. Many times, people who have abused individuals will make their victims feel as though they should feel guilty for leaving them. Some abusers may try to use tactics like saying that they are going to kill themselves if you leave them. They may go as far as attempting suicide to get the victim to return to them. Don’t fall for this tactic! It’s only a ploy to get the victim to come back to them.
Prison of not forgiving: One of the biggest steps to healing from past abuse is learning how to forgive the abuser. This is also the hardest step for some survivors to do, and often can be extremely painful. One survivor of abuse described not forgiving her abuser is “like being held in a prison for many years.” Once she had forgiven her abuser, she began to feel such relief and freedom. Her only regret was not forgiving the person sooner. She was waiting for the person who had abused her to apologize for all he had done to her. She faced reality one day, when she finally realized that he would never admit to what he had done. Sometimes the person or persons may not apologize to you, or even admit to doing anything wrong. You cannot let that stop you from forgiving them. When you forgive the other person, you are releasing them from a debt. In the Bible, God says to owe no man anything but the debt of love. Stop walking around with a notebook full of names of people who owe you an apology. They may not ever settle their debt with you. By waiting for the other person to apologize for their wrongdoings, you are putting your life on hold and not moving forward. Remember that forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. Forgiving is one of the keys that frees you from your painful past.
Forgive yourself: Individuals who have been abused must also learn to forgive themselves. We hold on to believing that somehow we made the abuse happen to us. Because we think that we caused the abuse, therefore making it harder to forgive ourselves.
Support system: Surround yourself with people who love and care for you, people who can help you move on from your past, people who do not constantly remind you of your past but can see your bright future ahead.
Give yourself time to heal: Don’t try to rush into other relationships to fill the void. Several years ago, I counseled a 40-year-old woman who had been abused. She told me that she had been in and out of abusive relationships all of her teenage years and adult life. She had never been alone for more than a month. She had been in numerous relationships, and basically admitted to not knowing what type of man she truly wanted to be with. She had not allowed time to get to know who she was and what qualities she liked in a man. She picked her lovers based on other peoples’ opinions. Through counseling, she was able to see that she was much more valuable than what people thought of her. She got to know herself and what she liked. I believe that this is a very important step for individuals who wish to move forward in another relationship: get to know who you are. Once you know who you are, you will be able to realize what you want in life and in a relationship.
Love yourself: Take time to love yourself. Spend quality time with yourself. Set a date with yourself every day. Take long walks, long baths, go to the spa, the gym, nail shop, etc. Do whatever it is that makes you happy. Look yourself in a mirror and say “I love me.” I know this sounds silly, but believe me when I tell you the more you tell yourself that you love yourself, the more you will start to believe it.
Learn to live again: Take one day at a time. When you were in an abusive relationship, your life was extremely chaotic and very unpredictable. Let’s face it, you were simply existing. You thought your life had no real meaning or value. This is the time to allow God to help you reorganize your life and your priorities. Step by step, you will slowly rebuild your life and experience the life you never thought possible. This step requires spending time in prayer and asking our Heavenly Father for strength to start a fresh new life.
It’s time to start living again!
Article by Marquetta Smith, MSSW, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries and Survivor of Abuse
by Marquetta Smith | Apr 19, 2017 | Prophetic Words
April 19, 2017
Dear Loved One,
On behalf of the church, I want to apologize to all of the individuals who have been deeply wounded and hurt by the church. To those who have been put down, rejected, cast to the side, made to feel inferior, unloved, uncared for and abandoned because of their sexual orientation, I’m sorry. I am sorry we made you feel like you didn’t belong, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for the way we made you feel. I’m sorry for shaming you in front of the whole world. Today I want to say that I’m sorry. Know that you are truly loved by God.
Love, the Church
