Abuse Survivor Katie Carlson Shares Her Story
Domestic violence is a serious crime that can involve both physical and psychological abuse. Unfortunately, it often happens behind closed doors, causing victims to live in fear and suffer in silence. In honor of October being National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Safe Harbor will be hearing from abuse survivors who, through their stories, spread awareness and prove that their voices cannot be silenced.
One of these stories comes from Katie Carlson, who graciously shared her story of abuse and recovery. On behalf of Safe Harbor, I would like to thank Katie for taking the time to go through this interview process with me. Stories like hers make real impacts on our communities, whether local or international.
Katie’s Story
(The following story and interview has been edited for clarity.)
I got married when I was 22 years old, very suddenly to someone who changed as soon as we signed our marriage certificate. We met in August of 2015, when I had first enlisted in the Navy and was scheduled to fly out to basic training for the following February. I was not interested in romance; I had my own goals and dreams to fulfill, but he was relentless in getting me to date him.
Everything was too good to be true from the start. There were countless red flags that I chose to ignore, giving him the benefit of the doubt. A month after we started dating, he pushed me to marry him. My Navy recruiter was against the idea, so to add pressure, he said I would have to marry before January. I knew this was a bad idea, but my ex convinced me of the fairy tale we would have together. He told me that we would travel around where I was stationed, that we were perfect for each other, that I was unlike anyone else, and all the sweet talk you can dream up.
Against my better judgement, we were married on December 31st, 2015. He convinced me not to tell my parents or anyone else—it would just be our “secret.” That’s when the isolation began. He disapproved of being with my family around the holidays or for get-togethers. because he felt “left out” and disliked by them.
I could no longer call my brother or mother on the phone to have our normal conversations. I could not get coffee or lunch with friends. His worst excuse was when I went to hike with a coworker, Hailey*: he said that because she was one of his previous girlfriends who had cheated on him with another girl, it made him uncomfortable. From there, he justified his actions by saying, “Married couples can’t be friends with single people.” He defended his absurd excuses and gaslighted me if I argued his so-called logic.
I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I disclosed this to him early in our relationship. Soon after we married, I began having panic attacks so debilitating that I could not work, eat, or sleep. He blamed my childhood trauma for the attacks, rather than on my distress about the irreversible decision of our marriage. Then he accused me of cheating on him while I was in basic training and when I was about to be stationed. He instilled fear in me not to carry through with my enlistment by telling me about the number of females who are raped in the military (he was an ex-Marine, discharged for medical reasons – he could not handle the Marines). Because of this, I lied to my recruiter to get out of joining the Navy, saying I was taking someone else’s prescription medication to disqualify me.
For the next two years, my ex abused me emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, and sexually. He belittled and berated me, alone and in the presence of others. He left bruises on my legs from “goofing around.” He drugged me with Adderall and alcohol, so I would succumb to sleep with him. Money was restricted; I was not allowed to save to buy a house or go back to school. Neither of those ideas met his narcissistic standards.
Every day, I was on edge from needing to predict his mood, trying to be on my best behavior to save myself from any abuse, even though it was inevitable. I never knew which form of abuse he would use, but he mastered every one of them. There were many times when I said I would call the police, just to get a break from being body-slammed, pushed, and threatened. This carried on every day for two years.
In 2017, my dad had an affair. One of my brothers was addicted to heroin and meth. My family was falling apart, but I could not be there for them. I started therapy earlier that November and concealed it from my ex. He was convinced that my therapist was out to get him. On Christmas Eve, I was drunk all day, knowing I would have to save face yet again for my family and pretend everything was normal. Being drunk had become my daily facade, so that I would not have to emotionally endure anything else.
That night, I told my mom and sister-in-law about the rapes. My sister-in-law had already been secretly helping me plan my escape for a year. We communicated through my work email and Snapchat, deleting our texts because he would regularly go through my phone. One time, he saw my emails and blamed my sister-in-law for making things up about him and causing me to want to leave him. On that Christmas Eve night when I told them everything, however, my life changed.
I took the month of January to plot my escape and methodically planned each detail. I prepared an escape bag and a code word to text my mom and sister-in-law when it was time.
January 20th, 2018 was the day. The night before, I went out with some coworkers to celebrate their new jobs. All he said before I left was, “I’m not picking you up, so don’t drive drunk. I’m not bailing you out of jail.” He was cold, furious, and demeaning the next morning. I will never forget my realization that I had enough of this misery.
As he left for the gym, I lied and said I was going to get ready for work and head in early. When he came home earlier than I expected, I told him I was leaving. At first, he asked me what he could do for the next time, and I told him to be less like his dad, who was also an abusive alcoholic. As I left, my mom was not answering my calls. Thankfully, my sister-in-law stayed on the phone with me to make sure I was safe, and my best friend from work came to my rescue. Later I received a Snapchat from him of my go-bag, which he sent to all his contacts saying, “Katie is leaving me.”
I left. I cried the whole day. He tried convincing me to talk, but everything he said blamed our entire situation on me, that it was my fault he was abusive.
Two mornings later, I went to get the rest of my things from the house after he called many times the night before, left harassing text messages, and texted my brothers about how awful I was being to him. When I arrived, he had changed the locks. My dog stared at me through the window, wondering why I did not enter. Yet again, I was being victimized by him. I called the police to ask for a civil standby, but he beat me to it, making me look like the crazy abuser.
A week later, I started the divorce process. When I explained the paperwork to him, where to sign and how to walk through it, he was cool, calm, and collected. He acted this way so he could convince others that none of this was his fault if I lashed out. At one point, he refused to sign the divorce papers that he made mistakes on and made me drive 45 minutes back to his house to correct this. The real reason he did this was to simply show me the new woman he was sleeping with at his house.
Long story short, I survived.
In what ways has your recovery been difficult?
Flashbacks and nightmares of the rapes were very intense. I had insomnia for months before discovering EMDR therapy. Trying to find a new routine and a new normal after leaving felt impossible at the time. I wanted people to know what happened, but was in fear of being accused of playing the victim. I still have triggers: yelling, tone change, being touched a certain way. Even seeing someone who looks similar to him causes a panic attack.
How has your recovery journey led to positives in your life?
I have now found a new man, and it’s the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. I am close with my mom and family again. After losing my dog in the divorce, which hurt more than anything else, I was able to rescue a new companion, who is my world and my healing partner. I am no longer in fear when I walk into grocery stores or public places when I am alone. I have the capability to spot red flags in each person I meet and the confidence to walk away from situations that make me uncomfortable.
What would you say to fellow abuse survivors in their journey to recovery?
Don’t give up and don’t give in. It takes time, but you must devote your time to heal. I wouldn’t have come this far in my healing if it wasn’t for EMDR therapy. I highly encourage it. I know therapy is NOT for everyone. Therapists offer trauma yoga, survivor groups, and many other activities to promote recovery. Don’t be afraid to say no to outings with friends. Don’t be afraid of crying or being anxious. The process is different for everybody who endures domestic abuse, but now is the time to put yourself first, make your own decisions, and again, put yourself first.
What would you say to people who know abuse survivors and would like to show them a little extra love? What kind of support do you find most helpful?
Don’t pry! It takes time for a survivor to become comfortable with sharing their story, because they fear backlash. Check in and let them know you’re thinking about them. It takes as little as a text to show encouragement. Understand that they are healing from a trauma that is stigmatized. Share positive energy with them, and make them feel like they are the most important people in the world until they can find a new normal.
In what ways do you feel that abuse survivors are strong? What are your strengths as a survivor?
We band together! We understand that each person has a story and that story may be vastly different from survivor to survivor. We don’t compare apples to oranges. We have the ability to build a strong community and break a stigma through so many different experiences. My strength as a survivor is having an open door policy with others. If you ask me questions about my abuse, I will gladly share. If you ask me advice, I will give you some based on YOUR situation, not mine. I don’t project my abuse on others. That doesn’t help the person who is currently suffering.
What can abuse survivors teach us?
We are the most resilient group of individuals there is. We overcame such a horrific experience behind closed doors, yet we thrive in our personal lives and at work, and make something out of ourselves that no one expected. We have the ability to show the world that abusers don’t stand a chance at taking away our self-worth.
What do you want people to know about abuse survivors?
We’re people too! We don’t have to talk about our abuse to have a conversation. Don’t shy away from us; we understand it’s not someone else’s job to save us and that we have to save ourselves. We aren’t a puzzle to piece together: treat us as a friend and a human!
What is your favorite way to practice self-care and self-love?
I love spending time with my dog. A furry companion gives me something to focus on and care for, which in turn makes me take better care of myself. I go window shopping and get lunch with my mom. My go-to is always listening to comedians and podcasts. Chad Daniels, Chris Porter, and Iliza Schlesinger get me out of a down-day. The My Favorite Murder podcast lets me relish in comedy and my love of true crime. I’ll listen to it in the car, while I’m doing laundry, or even walking or hiking with my dog. Listening to other people talk about things I can relate to without having to be fully engaged is a great remedy.
Is there anything else you would like to add?
You’ll lose your identity from domestic violence and never fully get the “old you” back, and that is okay. The “old you” was shaped and desecrated by a monster. You can rebuild on your terms in ways you never thought imaginable. Keep working. You’ve survived 100% of your bad days so far, and that in and of itself is remarkable. You can survive 100% more.
Thank you again, Katie, for taking the time to share your story!
If you are concerned for yourself or a loved one, remember that there are resources & support waiting for you.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a 24-hour confidential service for survivors, victims and those affected by domestic violence, intimate partner violence and relationship abuse. The Hotline advocates are available at 1-800-799-SAFE and through online chatting at www.thehotline.org.
Call/Chat 24/7/365 | 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) | Español Chat 12-6PM CT
Written by Brooke Smoke, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries
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