Odds are, you’ve encountered the feeling of shame at some point in your life. Some people experience shame as any other emotion- present for a short amount of time, and then passing. Others, however, suffer from toxic shame. Toxic shame can affect your daily life, moods, behaviors, decisions, and relationships. Overcoming toxic shame requires exploring the cause of your shame, and taking measures to heal from it. 

What is toxic shame?

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Toxic shame is shame that is intense, and long-lasting. It usually has a deep-rooted cause, oftentimes from your childhood. Toxic shame can lie within us unconsciously, affecting every aspect of self-evaluation. Shame is a feeling of inadequacy. It tells us we are unworthy, that we should be embarrassed, and, of course, ashamed of ourselves. When that shame becomes toxic, those feelings of unworthiness are ever-present in our minds. Without even being aware of it, you may be living your life controlled by shame. 

Childhood trauma is a common cause of toxic shame later on in life. [1]  Parents who abuse their children physically or emotionally can inflict shame upon them. Children who grow up being told they aren’t good enough, or being shown they aren’t worthy of love through their parents actions, will be affected in the long term. 

Shame is a common feeling, as we mentioned before. However, there is a difference between unhealthy and healthy shame [2].

1. Situational shame: When we are in a situation that conflicts with our core values, we often feel shame. This feeling arises because it ended in someone being hurt, or us hurting ourselves by doing something that doesn’t align with our beliefs. It is normal and healthy to feel shame in this form. This type of shame is accepted and then passes, like any other emotion. 
2. Toxic shame: when we allow shame to define us, it becomes toxic. Instead of letting the shame pass after a situation, the feeling becomes toxic and we believe what it tells us about ourselves. Toxic shame lowers your self-esteem, and in turn, lowers your quality of life.  

Effects of toxic shame

A person’s core identity is shaped by the age of 10 [3]. If you’ve spent those years cultivating shame, either projected on you from your parents, someone else, or yourself, it will affect your self-image. Toxic shame can lead to many issues down the road.

• Relationship issues: when shame controls our self-worth, we often look to other people for validation. Since nobody can legitimately validate you besides yourself, relationships are often ruined by toxic shame. Either the needs of the person seeking validation aren’t met, or there’s too much pressure put on the other person to provide validation. 
• Toxic shame can lead to mental health conditions. Anxiety, depression, and eating disorders are common long-term effects [4].  
• Low self-esteem. Not valuing yourself can cause many issues on its own [5]. Some of those include drug abuse, self-harm, and harming others. 
• Generational cycle of toxic shame. If your feelings of shame remain untreated until you have kids, you may repeat the same pattern of inflicting shame upon them.
• Avoidance behavior. Shame can become paralyzing, and feel too intense to face. Instead of coping with the feeling, we avoid it altogether. Our article on avoidance behavior explains the dangers of this.

How to heal from toxic shame

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Healing from toxic shame requires facing the shame we carry, its cause, and freeing ourselves from the stories it tells us. One of my favorite yoga classes that I’ve taken was with Jen Pastiloff. It was focused on freeing ourselves from the stories we’ve been told about ourselves. 

Everyone has a different story that they believe to be true of themselves, and that they feel ashamed of. Perhaps it’s “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m not lovable,” etc. To rid ourselves of the stories means to realize they aren’t true. It means figuring out the truth about who YOU are, at your core. Not who you are because of what you’ve been told or made to believe. Getting to know ourselves can be scary, but it can prove to be very rewarding. 

• Take some time to self-reflect. When I feel like a lot is going on in my mind, I find that journaling helps to make sense of it all. If I realize that I am feeling a certain way, and acting in specific ways because of the feeling, I like to write it on paper to help myself understand it better. Becoming familiar with the patterns of your feelings and thoughts is a way of coping with them. 
• Acknowledge your “stories.” Going off of the above point of getting to know yourself better, it is important to understand the things you tell yourself that fuel your shame. Idenfity the stories the world has made you believe about yourself. If it helps, write them on pieces of paper and throw them away, or put them in a fire (controlled, of course). Watching them physically disappear can sometimes help them disappear from your mind.
• Practice mindfulness. We’ve mentioned this technique a lot in recent blog posts, but it’s for a reason! Mindfulness allows us to accept ourselves and our feelings, and teaches us forgiveness. Forgiving yourself is a huge factor in overcoming shame, even when the shame you feel isn’t your fault. 

Conclusion

Toxic shame can become paralyzing. Taking steps to free yourself from your shame is crucial to living your most fulfilled life. The shame you carry does not define who you are, and you must not let it. Take back control of your life and write your own story. 

The Bible speaks a lot about shame. We have a savior who came to this Earth to forgive us for any sins. Jesus loves us unconditionally; no matter what we’ve done, what we believe about ourselves, or what anyone else believes about us. Trust in Him to free your shame, for he sees the good in you. 

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.” Psalm 34: 4-5

Written by Grace Haass, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, visit our blog page at https://safeharborim.com/articles/.