Driving home from work, Sandra looks at her watch nervously and says to herself, “I’m late again. I wish my boss wouldn’t hold such long meetings, especially when it gets closer to the time we should being getting off.” She is going over in her head all of the things she has to do before she goes home…stop by the grocery store, pick up John’s pants at the seamstress, and get Andy from the babysitter. Sandra says out loud, “I can’t be late again. I just can’t be late again.”

After a long day at work and making all of her errands, she finally makes it home. Mike, Sandra’s husband is waiting quietly in the kitchen as she walks in. Quickly Mike knocks everything out of Sandra’s hand and then he pulls her to the floor by her hair. Sandra screams out, “You promised you wouldn’t hit me again!”

This is a living nightmare for so many victims of abuse every single day. For some individuals, it is a never-ending cycle that is repeated over and over again. When abusers promise not to hit the victim again, they fear it will happen in the future. At times, they may start to doubt their own judgment, or wonder whether they’re going crazy.

In this article, I wish to explore the characteristics of an abuser. When I run support groups for victims of domestic violence, this is one of the main topics that is very important to cover. There are many key behaviors that stand out when individuals are trying to identify an abuser. Identifying these behaviors can be very instrumental in assisting victims of abuse to avoid making the same choices in choosing their next partner. Reviewing the characteristics will also help survivors quickly identify these behaviors, and it can also aid them in teaching their children about what to look for when dating.

I want the readers to keep in mind that abusers can be anyone, male or female. Men are sometimes abused by a female or male partner, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. This article is not to single out any group. My ultimate goal is to assist in stopping the brutal cycle of abuse from passing down to the next generation and to help victims heal.

Here is a list of some behaviors that abusers will sometimes exhibit:

• A strong need to control the partner and every aspect of the relationship
• Some abusive individuals tend to express “hard” emotions: guilt, frustration, hurt, etc. as anger
• Can be very manipulative
• Constantly monitor the partner’s activities
• Denies behavior; makes excuses; blames the partner
• Projects blame onto their partner
• Are insecure and jealous of the partner
• Exaggerated jealousy around “their” partner having any relationships with other people
• Excessively dependent on the victim
• Impulsive: they move frequently, change jobs, change friends, and may drop in and out of treatment
• At times, they can view themselves as emotionally isolated, especially from other men. They have no true friends.
• Have few to no skills in reducing stress levels other than battering
• May have been abused or neglected during their childhood or have witnessed violence in their homes while growing up
• Have an extraordinary fear of losing the relationship and can go to any lengths (even murder) to keep it

Keep in mind that there are many other behaviors that abusers will exhibit, and this list is not a complete list of characteristics.

If you are someone you know is experiencing any of these things in a relationship, please seek help and call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-789-3224 for TTY).

For Americans overseas: International Toll-Free 866-USWOMEN.

For international victims of abuse please refer to this website for a list of resources available to you: http://www.vachss.com/help_text/domestic_violence_intl.html

By Marquetta Smith, Advocate and Survivor