How are Children Affected by Domestic Violence?

by | Nov 11, 2019 | Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Emotional abuse, Family Life, Family Violence, Teens

How are Children Affected by Domestic Violence?

Children who are exposed to domestic violence at home may also be victims of abuse. Child victims of abuse are at risk of having long-term physical and emotional health problems. Even witnessing abuse and not directly receiving it can negatively affect children and their future relationships. Child abuse reports involved 7.5 million children.

The following is a list of short-term and long-term side-effects on children of domestic abuse.

Side-effects of Domestic Abuse

Infants

  • Poor sleeping habits
  • Eating problems
  • Are at high risk of serious injuries
  • Increase in crying

A sleeping baby

Preschool Age

  • Not feeling safe
  • Anxiety
  • Behavioral regression
  • Sleep problems
  • Bedwetting

School Age

  • Self-blame
  • Anger issues
  • Regression
  • Depression

Adolescent

  • Generalized anxiety
  • Nightmares
  • High activity levels
  • Intense worry about the safety of their parent
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Increased aggression
  • Increased anxiety about being separated from a parent
  • Insomnia

A young adolescent

Witnessing Domestic Abuse as a Child

Children who live with and witness domestic abuse suffer from emotional and psychological trauma. Living in a household filled with fear and control, these children regularly see their family members verbally threatened and physically and emotionally abused. Some kids may experience self-blame, telling themselves that they should have protected their parents or sibling. They may experience extreme withdrawal, anxiety, and other behavioral problems. Children from these backgrounds are more at risk of having an abusive relationship and having substance abuse problems when they are older.

Some parents or caregivers may not think these kids are affected because they are not the ones being abused or are not always visibly witnessing it. However, even children who indirectly witness abuse by hearing the screaming and fighting will still be affected. Again, this can cause emotional trauma and behavioral problems. They may begin to think that it is appropriate to talk and treat others like that, because that is the type of household in which they grew up.

If a Child Comes to You and Tells You About the Abuse…

If a child comes to you and tells you someone in their home is being abused, please follow the steps below:

  1. Listen to what they are saying
  2. Tell them they have done the right thing by telling someone
  3. Do not confront the abuser
  4. Tell them that you believe them
  5. Report what the child has told you
  6. Don’t ask any hard questions; keep in mind they are children

All children and young teens need to be evaluated by a trained mental health professional. There are some great treatments out there to help with emotional and behavioral issues caused by domestic abuse. These include counseling, support groups, and family therapy. Receiving treatment in a setting where they feel safe is critical for the child/children and victimized family members to prevent or heal from the negative effects of witnessing or receiving abuse.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline for victims is 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).

Written by Jessica Christian, a blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries

Sources:

  1. https://www.womensaidni.org/domestic-violence/children-and-domestic-violence/how-are-children-affected/
  2. https://www.aafp.org/afp/2002/1201/p2052.html
  3. https://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/effect-on-children.html
  4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/progress-notes/201902/alarming-effects-childrens-exposure-domestic-violence
  5. https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/how-domestic-violence-affect-kids/
  6. http://www.thedvshelter.com/effects-of-domestic-violence-on-children/
  7. https://americanspcc.org/child-abuse-statistics/

Safe Harbor blog posts mentioned in this post:

  1. https://safeharborim.com/how-does-the-victim-blaming-theory-relate-to-domestic-violence/
  2. https://safeharborim.com/why-therapy-is-important-for-trauma-survivors/
  3. https://safeharborim.com/how-to-get-help-if-you-are-a-victim-of-abuse/

Dealing with Deployment During the Holidays

by | Nov 11, 2019 | Family Life, Holidays, Married life, Military Family, Parenting

When you think of the holidays, what emotions do you feel? For many people, this time of year brings families together that may live far from one another. It makes them feel warm, comforted, whimsical, and is the most wonderful time of the year. Unfortunately, not all military families have that opportunity to have every member of their family present for the holidays. They could be dealing with the deployment of a loved one.

Deployment can make it challenging for families to get into the holiday spirit. It is hard for couples of any relationship status, regardless if they have kids or not. The holidays can be hard when you are missing someone you love, but surrounding yourself with friends and family can help. Here are some ideas on how to cope with emotions you may be feeling through the season.

Dealing with those feelings is not easy, and that goes for parents and kids. You can experience loneliness, stress, depression, and frustration. Deployments can amplify all those feelings.

The deployed soldier is going through this as well; don’t think that he/she wants to be away from their family. They can go through depression, anxiety, and stress just as much, if not more.

How Can You Deal With Deployment During the Holidays?

For the soldier who is deployed, this could be your first deployment or your 5th; they never get easier. Here are some things you can do to help with the separation.

  • Write letters to your family
  • Send a gift back from where you are stationed; your kids will think it is cool
  • Record a book with you reading the story to them
  • Skype or video chat when you can
  • Send photos so they can hang them up in their room
  • Take care of yourself
  • Work out
  • Socialize
  • Stay in contact with your chain of command

Family skyping deployed soldier

Send gifts back from overseas; this allows you to send them something unique from a different culture. When my husband was deployed, he sent back a camel from Afghanistan to our oldest son, and he still has it. He also got me elephants from India. It is something that they can treasure and has a story behind it.

For the spouse back home, dealing with deployment is not easy, and if you have kids that can add to the stress, because they are going to need you more than ever.

Please make sure you talk with your kids and ask them how they are feeling. Try to keep them busy and have fun. However, don’t forget about you. Make sure you take care of yourself. Here are some things you can do:

  • Get out of the house, with and without the kids
  • Go to the gym to recharge
  • Talk to other military spouses who are going through a deployment
  • Communicate with your loved one with emails, phone calls, video chat
  • Send out care packages for each holiday filled with goodies and gifts; let the kids help package it
  • Send them pictures and crafts that the kids made
  • Make time to Skype
  • Have a girls/guys night out
  • Try a new recipe
  • Bake cookies with your kids
  • Stay connected with friends and family
  • Volunteer at your local VA hospital
  • Or Volunteer with Safe Harbor’s “Love Project” donation of quilts to military families

Make sure you are aware of the time difference between the two of you. They could end up calling 2 a.m. your time. Maintain all your regular holiday traditions, whether it’s decorating the house, putting ornaments on the tree, or staying up until midnight to watch the ball drop.

Older kids may notice that dad or mom is not there, and this can be harder on them. But if you keep all your traditions the same, this can help them not feel so alone and sad. Make a list of fun activities to do. For example, bake cookies, pick out the Christmas tree, go outside and make a snowman, watch holiday movies, or invite family and friends over for just a random get together. If you are able, schedule a time to open your gifts over a video chat. By doing this, you can have a family connection even thousands of miles apart.

Daughter putting up Christmas tree

It is important to try to make the most of it. This goes for couples with and without kids, family, and friends of the deployed service member. Everyone who loves the service member is affected together.

Organize a Military Family Potluck Dinner

If you don’t have family close and they can’t make it for the holidays, try to organize a dinner with other military families who are going through the same thing. This can help with getting you into the holiday spirit. Spending time with people in your community helps combat some of the loneliness you are feeling. Getting together, eating good food, singing, laughing, and participating in festive activities as a community can make a world of a difference.

Giving Back to Others

Many soldiers are deployed that have no family, they are not married and don’t have any kids. This includes veterans. Go to your local VA hospital and bring some gifts for them. Find out from your spouse if any soldiers in his/her unit have no family and send them a care package. This act of kindness is doing something great for someone else who is feeling lonely. Receiving something from home can make them feel just a little bit better, and even make their holiday special.

There is always someone out there in need of some holiday cheer. Try to remember to be grateful that you have a family and a loved one to cherish. This time of year can be hard for some that don’t have what you do. These soldiers put their lives on the line for us, so please remember the importance of showing your loved ones love this season.

If you are a family member, or the soldier who is deployed, and you are feeling depressed and need help, please reach out to your chain of command, your local MWR, or your Military One resource. They are there to help you.

A soldier holds the hand of their spouse

Written by Jessica Christian, a blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries.

Sources:

  1. https://www.militarytimes.com/opinion/commentary/2018/11/20/is-your-loved-one-deployed-during-the-holidays-military-spouses-share-their-survival-tips/
  2. https://milspousefest.com/4-freeing-ways-to-cope-with-deployment-during-the-holidays/
  3. https://www.semidelicatebalance.com/10-ways-military-spouses-can-face-holidays-alone-deployment/
  4. https://milspousefest.com/
  5. https://www.militaryonesource.mil/all-the-ways?gclid=Cj0KCQiAtf_tBRDtARIsAIbAKe2FBUhdYBDgODg5iksKeIbSPGaw_vnp0GUTlgbVsaf7yszwVOdIHnsaAo1iEALw_wcB

Safe Harbor blog posts mentioned in this article:

  1. https://safeharborim.com/dreading-family-loss-during-holidays/
  2. https://safeharborim.com/the-family-unit-different-meanings-same-goal/
  3. https://safeharborim.com/the-love-project-1-million-quilts-give-away/
  4. https://safeharborim.com/quilt-give-away/

Are You Trapped in the Cycle of Violence?

by | Nov 7, 2019 | Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Emotional abuse, Family Violence, Physical abuse

What is the Cycle of Violence?

For individuals who live in an abusive relationship, their ability to get out of that relationship is a lot more complicated than “just leaving.” Oftentimes, these types of relationships are built on manipulation.

The cycle of violence is a theory created by Dr. Lenore Walker in 1979. According to this theory, we can trace the pattern of an abuser’s actions that cause a victim to have a hard time leaving. Though not all abusive relationships follow this cycle, the cycle of violence is an outline that draws out a common pattern. It can be a tool to help victims clarify the complexity of manipulative behavior.

Without intervention, the frequency and severity of the abuse or violence can increase. [2] We also have more information about signs of behaviors of abusers who may become increasingly violent.

The cycle of violence has three phases that are usually referred to as:

  1. The Tension Building Phase
  2. The Crisis Phase
  3. The Honeymoon Stage

The Tension Building Phase

This can be an extremely frightening stage for those in abusive situations. This stage is when the tension between the two in the relationship begins to increase. This phase feels almost like walking on eggshells. [1] Arguments over things such as children, finances, jobs, and day-to-day life are common.

This is when verbal abuse is very likely to begin. The abuser will try to enforce control through abusive behaviors, and the victim may try to regain control over the situation by pleasing the abuser, giving in to their demands, or avoiding abuse at all costs. [4]

Signs of the Tension Building Phase:

  • Verbal abuse
  • Anger or irritability
  • Arguments
  • Tension
  • The silent treatment
  • Manipulation
  • Use of substances (not always related to abuse, but can enhance abusive behaviors, etc.) [3]

A black and white photo of a woman thinking about the tension building phase of abuse

The Crisis Phase

During this phase, the peak of abusive behaviors from the violent partner is reached. This is the stage in which all tension from the abuser is released. [1] Here are some signs to be aware of to recognize what this phase may look like.

Dangerous physical violence can often occur. It is usually caused by an event that triggers the abuser’s emotions to overflow, but is never caused by the behavior of the victim. [4] Because of this, battering is not something that can be predicted.

Signs of the Crisis Phase:

  • Extreme rage
  • Outbursts of jealousy or frustration
  • Dangerous violence
  • Irrational behavior [3]

The Honeymoon Phase

This is the stage where the abuser’s shame or rational mind catches up with them. Though they will continue to blame the victim, they will attempt to justify their actions to make them seem more logical.

During this stage, both people in the relationship may be in denial about the severity of the situation. They may begin to feel happy and intimate again. The victim may feel that their abuser is the person they fell in love with again, and because of this relief, they may feel an increase of denial. [1]

In this stage, the abuser will minimize the abuse and express love in order to make the victim feel that leaving is not necessary. [4]

Signs of the Honeymoon Phase:

  • Promises to change
  • Blaming the victim
  • Justifying with excuses
  • Convincingly apologetic, remorseful behavior
  • Pretending not to understand the severity of the situation [3]

Please keep in mind that though the descriptions of these phases may not describe your situation, and all relationships are different, awareness is powerful. Acquainting yourself with an understanding of the common patterns of abuse can empower anyone and inform the safety of any relationship.

If you are concerned about yourself or a loved one, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Though only a battered woman can decide if/when to take action, information and resources can go a long way. SHIM offers more information on how to get help if you are a victim of domestic violence.

Resources & support for anyone affected by DV and/or relationship abuse:
Call/Chat 24/7/365 | 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) | Español Chat 12-6PM
Hotline advocates are available at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and through online chatting at www.TheHotline.org

References:

  1. https://www.whiteribbon.org.au/understand-domestic-violence/what-is-domestic-violence/cycle-of-violence/
  2. https://www.shelterforhelpinemergency.org/get-help/cycle-violence
  3. https://www.womenscenteryfs.org/index.php/get-info/prevention/education/14-cycle-of-violence
  4. https://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/domestic-violence-cycle.html
  5. Image from priscilla-du-preez-F9DFuJoS9EU-unsplash.jpg 

Safe Harbor articles linked in the article:

  1. https://safeharborim.com/he-promised-he-wouldnt-hit-me-again-2/
  2. https://safeharborim.com/recognizing-signs-of-abuse/
  3. https://safeharborim.com/how-to-get-help-if-you-are-a-victim-of-abuse/

Written by Brooke Smoke, a blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries

How Can We Spread Domestic Violence Awareness?

by | Nov 7, 2019 | Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Emotional abuse, Family Violence, Physical abuse, Sexual abuse

How Can We Spread Domestic Violence Awareness?

As October draws to a close, there’s an opportunity for pause. Domestic Violence Awareness Month is nearly over, but the need for awareness is still here. Data from CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey indicate that nearly 1 in 5 women and about 1 in 7 men report having experienced severe physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime, 1 in 6 women and 1 in 12 men have experienced crimes of sexual violence from a partner, and ten percent of women and two percent of men report having been stalked by an intimate partner. [1]

These statistics can be overwhelming, but awareness is a vital part of change. As we end Domestic Violence Awareness Month, here are some ways to embody awareness and make an impact on enacting change.

Know the Signs

Not all abuse is physical abuse, but knowing the warning signs of physical abuse is a huge part of DV awareness. Just knowing what to avoid can help you remain in safe and healthy relationships. It also helps you encourage the ones you love that they have someone on their side.

A woman looks at the camera, representing someone looking for the signs of abuse

Some signs someone you know may be in a dangerous relationship may be:

  • They have frequent and/or unexplained injuries
  • They start to cover up more with long sleeves
  • They become increasingly distant and/or depressed
  • Extreme weight fluctuations
  • They exhibit defensiveness and excuse-making

Some signs to help you recognize an abusive relationship before it gets dangerous are:

  • Use of embarrassment, insults, and constant manipulative criticism
  • Cheating
  • Jealousy
  • Dominating behavior
  • Placing blame
  • Isolation
  • Financial control
  • Threats of violent behavior
  • Substance abuse (remember, it heightens abuse, but is not the cause of abuse)

Speak Up – But Softly

Remember that if you know someone who is in an abusive situation, it can be more harmful than helpful to try to convince them to leave. However, remaining a friend and being there for them when they need you can greatly help them heal. [2] Gently point out unhealthy behaviors. If you’re able to, start an open, encouraging conversation in a safe place. Keep the conversation understanding and compassionate, rather than preachy. Avoid defining the relationship as abusive. Keep the focus on how they feel about certain behaviors in the relationship, and allow the victim to speak their own truth on the situation. Gently encourage them to be honest with themselves and to understand that you care deeply about their well-being. [3]

There are many ways to get help if you are a victim of abuse. If someone you know asks you for advice, point them to resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or their online chat. You can also help them create a safety plan that will allow them to have a course of action to take if they feel they are in danger. The Domestic Violence Hotline website has information on creating a safety plan.

Embody Healthy Relationships

Promoting healthy relationships starts with educating yourself on what a healthy relationship looks like. Modeling these kinds of relationships can strengthen others and encourage them to seek honest, respectful, and trusting relationships. Educating young people on what healthy relationships look like can also help. Education is power! If you have children or close relationships with young people, having conversations with them about what healthy relationships look like can be a great way to spread awareness. [3]

A person throws purple flowers at the camera, jumping into a healthy relationship with flowers

Wear Purple

Spreading the word about domestic violence can be as simple as being willing to have a conversation about it. Wearing purple for Domestic Violence Awareness Month can be a great conversation starter. Being open and honest with anyone who is curious about it can help contribute to the cause.

You can also get involved by donating to your local domestic violence shelters. These types of institutions are always in need of resources. Giving (volunteering, time, or money) is a great way to help out.

Even though Domestic Violence Awareness Month is drawing to a close, you can still be an agent for change!

If you’re interested in contributing to Safe Harbor’s efforts to help families become whole, happy, restored, there are many direct ways to get involved!

If you are concerned about yourself or a loved one, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Though only a battered woman can decide if/when to take action, information and resources can go a long way.

Resources & support for anyone affected by DV and/or relationship abuse:
Call/Chat 24/7/365 | 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) | Español Chat 12-6PM
Hotline advocates are available at 1-800-799-SAFE and through online chatting at www.TheHotline.org

References:

  1. https://www.cdc.gov/features/intimatepartnerviolence/index.html
  2. https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/help_a_friend/
  3. https://www.safy.org/domestic-violence-awareness-month-safy/
  4. thehotline.org/what-is-live-chat/
  5. https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

Safe Harbor articles linked in the article:

  1. https://safeharborim.com/recognizing-signs-of-abuse/
  2. https://safeharborim.com/how-to-recognize-an-abuser/
  3. https://safeharborim.com/how-to-get-help-if-you-are-a-victim-of-abuse/

Related articles:
Recognizing Signs of Abuse, How to Get Help if You are a Victim of Abuse, How to Recognize an Abuser, Why Therapy is Important for Trauma Survivors.

Written by Brooke Smoke, a blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries