by Marquetta Smith | Jul 2, 2019 | Abuse, Spiritual Abuse
A month ago, I gave several steps in an article that I wrote called “A Time of Healing” that victims of abuse can take in order to begin the process of healing from being abused. For those of you who are coming out of an abusive situation, I want to continue sharing thoughts and steps of how to continue the healing process. 
Abusers guilt: Stop carrying the abuse guilt around. Let the guilt go. Many times, people who have abused individuals will make their victims feel as though they should feel guilty for leaving them. Some abusers may try to use tactics like saying that they are going to kill themselves if you leave them. They may go as far as attempting suicide to get the victim to return to them. Don’t fall for this tactic! It’s only a ploy to get the victim to come back to them.
Prison of not forgiving: One of the biggest steps to healing from past abuse is learning how to forgive the abuser. This is also the hardest step for some survivors to do, and often can be extremely painful. One survivor of abuse described not forgiving her abuser is “like being held in a prison for many years.” Once she had forgiven her abuser, she began to feel such relief and freedom. Her only regret was not forgiving the person sooner. She was waiting for the person who had abused her to apologize for all he had done to her. She faced reality one day, when she finally realized that he would never admit to what he had done. Sometimes the person or persons may not apologize to you, or even admit to doing anything wrong. You cannot let that stop you from forgiving them. When you forgive the other person, you are releasing them from a debt. In the Bible, God says to owe no man anything but the debt of love. Stop walking around with a notebook full of names of people who owe you an apology. They may not ever settle their debt with you. By waiting for the other person to apologize for their wrongdoings, you are putting your life on hold and not moving forward. Remember that forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. Forgiving is one of the keys that frees you from your painful past.
Forgive yourself: Individuals who have been abused must also learn to forgive themselves. We hold on to believing that somehow we made the abuse happen to us. Because we think that we caused the abuse, therefore making it harder to forgive ourselves.
Support system: Surround yourself with people who love and care for you, people who can help you move on from your past, people who do not constantly remind you of your past but can see your bright future ahead.
Give yourself time to heal: Don’t try to rush into other relationships to fill the void. Several years ago, I counseled a 40-year-old woman who had been abused. She told me that she had been in and out of abusive relationships all of her teenage years and adult life. She had never been alone for more than a month. She had been in numerous relationships, and basically admitted to not knowing what type of man she truly wanted to be with. She had not allowed time to get to know who she was and what qualities she liked in a man. She picked her lovers based on other peoples’ opinions. Through counseling, she was able to see that she was much more valuable than what people thought of her. She got to know herself and what she liked. I believe that this is a very important step for individuals who wish to move forward in another relationship: get to know who you are. Once you know who you are, you will be able to realize what you want in life and in a relationship.
Love yourself: Take time to love yourself. Spend quality time with yourself. Set a date with yourself every day. Take long walks, long baths, go to the spa, the gym, nail shop, etc. Do whatever it is that makes you happy. Look yourself in a mirror and say “I love me.” I know this sounds silly, but believe me when I tell you the more you tell yourself that you love yourself, the more you will start to believe it.
Learn to live again: Take one day at a time. When you were in an abusive relationship, your life was extremely chaotic and very unpredictable. Let’s face it, you were simply existing. You thought your life had no real meaning or value. This is the time to allow God to help you reorganize your life and your priorities. Step by step, you will slowly rebuild your life and experience the life you never thought possible. This step requires spending time in prayer and asking our Heavenly Father for strength to start a fresh new life.
It’s time to start living again!
Article by Marquetta Smith, MSSW, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries and Survivor of Abuse
by Marquetta Smith | Jun 27, 2019 | Family Violence, Featured Post, Healthy Lifestyles
I have always been a “health” addict most of my life, and after I went through my own experience with domestic violence, I found fitness shortly after and have not looked back since. Exercise has helped me in many areas of my life: it’s helped improve my mood, I’ve met new people in the fitness community that have inspired me, and it has helped me create a new lifelong hobby and routine that I will take with me throughout my entire life. Because it has changed my life so drastically, I wanted to share 3 benefits of fitness for past victims of trauma.
Domestic violence survivors encounter many side effects from their past trauma, which includes the triggering post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. PTSD leaves victims experiencing multiple, debilitating symptoms such as worsening of anxiety and depression, social isolation and suicidal thoughts and behaviors. PTSD can also increase the chances of obesity, heart disease and diabetes due to the lack of prioritizing health and fitness (Collins, Ryan 2016). The last thing survivors think about is eating healthy and exercise due to their lack of motivation and energy that depression brings along. Making wellness a priority after experiencing severe trauma can lead to a more fulfilled life, experiencing less of these symptoms.
Feeling Good, Feeling Great!
It’s deeper than a developing a healthier body, exercise can also lead to a healthier mind. When a person exercises, “feel-good” brain chemicals are released called endorphins, or more specifically, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. This leads to increased feelings of happiness and also boosts confidence. Exercise helps survivors cope in their daily lives and replaces those negative feelings with positive ones.
Gym Therapy!
Exercise can also act as a trauma survivor’s therapy. Of course, this shouldn’t take the place of regular meetings with a therapist or psychiatrist, but it can be substituted in with the treatment/healing process, and can sometimes even replace medication. When a survivor exercises, they can take those feelings of anger and use that energy to go harder in the gym! There are plenty of exercise options to choose from, including kickboxing, cross fit, yoga, and many more! Survivors no longer need to feel helpless; they can become stronger, physically and mentally.
Set Goals and Crush Them!
Part of the healing process is finding a way to cope with the side effects of trauma. Survivors are able to reduce the side effects a bit and learn how to live their normal daily lives, but it is not possible to go back to the person you were before the trauma.
This is nothing to worry about; there are millions of people living their best lives, even after experiencing trauma. Survivors can take fitness and make it into a hobby as part of their daily routine, creating reachable goals and challenging themselves to get their minds off of the trauma. For example, you can create a goal of being able to do 30 pushups in one set within a three month timeframe. Make it fun, and make the goals reachable! Think of it as a distraction, but a healthy one!
Exercise has multiple benefits, and has personally helped me out with my PTSD struggles tremendously. I wanted to take some time to let you know of a healthy, more natural alternative to medication, and share some insight into a hobby/routine that has changed my life forever.
I hope you take something from this post and start incorporating exercise into your routine in small increments. Don’t go crazy. Start slow and reap the benefits associated with a regular exercise routine. Remember, trauma symptoms do not fully go away, but you can be proactive in making them less debilitating and learn how to function properly in society.
Stay tuned for my next blog on how nutrition also can have a large, beneficial impact on survivors of trauma.
Written by Lavette Warren, Safe Harbor Non-Profit Management Intern
Edited by Marquetta Smith, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries
For more blog posts from me, visit www.solelysade.com
References:
Collins, Ryan (2016). Exercise, Depression and the Brain. Retrieved on June 23, 2019 from https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/exercise#1
by Marquetta Smith | May 22, 2019 | Abuse, Physical abuse
The Most Common Form of Child Abuse
According to ChildHelp, 28% of adults report being physically abused as children. Physical abuse is the most common form of child abuse. It is also probably the most easy to understand. Simply put, physical abuse is when a parent or caregiver causes non-accidental physical injury to a child. Non-accidental injury or harm can include anything from slapping, biting, burning, or even poisoning, to throwing, choking, or kicking.
Infants are especially vulnerable to physical abuse. Sustained shaking of an infant can cause non-accidental harm, including brain damage or death. Infants that have not yet learned to crawl usually do not incur injuries on their own.
Long Term Effects
Just as we have seen with the other types of abuse we looked at, physical abuse has long-term effects in a child’s life. Children who are physically abused often suffer from poor mental or physical health later on. Additionally, children who have experienced physical abuse often develop anxiety or eating disorders. Children who are physically abused are also more likely to use drugs and engage in criminal behavior as teens and adults.
Identifying Child Abuse
Anyone who comes into contact with children regularly absolutely needs to know how to recognize signs of abuse. Even people who aren’t regularly in contact with children can spot something unusual when they do see children. In order to protect children from child abuse, an outsider (someone not causing the abuse) usually has to recognize that abuse is occurring and report the abuse to authorities who can investigate the issue further. So how can you spot physical abuse?
Signs of Abuse in a Caregiver
- Can’t or won’t explain injury of child, or explains it in a way that doesn’t make sense
- Displays aggression to child, or is overly anxious about child’s behavior
- Indicates child is not trustworthy, a liar, evil, a troublemaker
- Delays or prevents medical care for child
- Takes child to different doctors or hospitals
- Keeps child from school, church, clubs
- Has history of violence and/or abuse
Signs of Abuse in the Child
Physical:
- Any injury to a child who is not crawling yet
- Visible and severe injuries
- Injuries at different stages of healing
- Injuries on different surfaces of the body
- Unexplained injuries or explained in a way that doesn’t make sense
- Distinctive shape to injuries
- Frequency, timing and history of injuries (frequent, after weekends, vacations, school absences)
Behavioral:
- Aggression toward peers, pets, other animals
- Seems afraid of parents or other adults
- Fear, withdrawal, depression, anxiety
- Wears long sleeves out of season
- Violent themes in fantasy, art, etc.
- Nightmares, insomnia
- Reports injury, severe discipline
- Immaturity, acting out, emotional and behavior extremes
- Self-destructive behavior or attitudes
List taken from ChildHelp
Why do Adults Abuse Children?
Since physical abuse is a bit easier to understand in the context of what happens, let’s take a look at some of the issues that foster physical child abuse. There are often root issues that make adults more likely to abuse children. One cause can be an emotional or behavioral problems such as bipolar disease or an inability to control anger. Adults with family or relationship issues, or those who were abused as children are also more likely to physically abuse children.
Another reason adults abuse children is a lack of parenting knowledge. Physical abuse often comes from parents who have expectations too high for children, or who don’t know how to respond to children. Health issues can also be the root of physical abuse.
While this information is useful in determining where the cycle can or needs to be broken, it in no way excuses a person for their choices. Each person is responsible for their actions whether good or bad and child abuse is certainly not good.
Reporting Child Abuse
Those working with children on a regular basis are considered mandatory reporters for child abuse. If you work with children regularly, you are liable if you see something and do not report it to the correct authorities. Even if you don’t directly work with children, you can and should report things that seem off.
All you need to report abuse is suspicion. You don’t have to have evidence. Child protective services will then investigate the issue. Your reporting could save a child from future abuse. Don’t be afraid to make a report if you see something that doesn’t line up. Reporters are anonymous and are protected by authorities.
National Hotline: l-800-25-ABUSE
GA hotline: 1-855-GACHILD
Written by Hannah Wilson
Article edited by Marquetta Smith, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries
Sources:
https://www.childhelp.org/child-abuse/
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/physical-abuse/keeping-children-safe/
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/physical-abuse/who-is-affected/
by Marquetta Smith | May 10, 2019 | Abuse, Emotional abuse, Featured Post
Have you ever felt completely alone? So alone, you thought no one cared about what happened to you? Ever wondered if the people supposed to protect and care for you even knew you? So far we’ve taken a cursory glance at child abuse overall and a closer look at child sexual abuse. Another kind of abuse, accounting for 7.3% of child abuse cases, is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is the most difficult abuse to identify. So, what is emotional child abuse?
Imagine the pain of being completely alone. Ever been separated from your mom in a grocery store as a young child? Imagine the panic you felt. Now, imagine that feeling being with you every moment of every day. These are the kind of feelings emotionally abused children face.
What is Emotional Abuse?
As we mentioned in the article “Child Abuse Defined,” emotional abuse is defined as “a recurring pattern of behavior in which a parent or caregiver harms a child’s mental or social development, or causes severe emotional harm.” Emotional abuse is rarely a one-time occurrence, but often a recurring pattern. This type of abuse can take on several forms: rejection, terrorization, isolation, corruption, verbal assault, and overpressuring.
Forms of Emotional Abuse
Rejection occurs when a caregiver denies a child’s worth and/or the validity of the child’s needs.
Another type of emotional abuse is isolation: making a child feel alone. This can include preventing a child from forming friendships, or from engaging in normal social activities.
Terrorizing is when a caregiver inflicts fear in a child by bullying or frightening them.
Ignoring a child and depriving them of essential stimulation and attention is also abuse.
Corrupting is when an adult grooms a child for destructive or antisocial behaviors, and prevents them from interacting with society in a normal behavioral fashion.
Verbal assault includes name-calling, threats, and excessive sarcasm that tears down the child’s self-esteem.
Sometimes parents put to much pressure on children. This can also be emotional abuse.
Over-pressuring a child to do something that is far beyond their abilities causes much emotional harm.
Abuse always causes long-lasting emotional harm. However, emotional abuse can result in long-term learning difficulties and disruptive behaviors, as well as physical and mental health issues.
So what does emotional abuse look like? As with the other types of abuse we’ve looked at, there are signs exhibited in children and caregivers that allow others to see what may be going on. Let’s take a look.
Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Caregiver Include
- Routinely ignoring a child
- Constantly criticizing, yelling, or blaming a child
- Playing favorites with one sibling over another
- Poor anger management
- Stormy relationships with other adults
- Disrespect for authority
- History of violence or abuse
- Untreated mental illness, alcoholism, or substance abuse
As we’ve seen before, signs of abuse can be seen in children both physically and behaviorally.
Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Child
Physical signs:
- Delays in development
- Wetting bed or pants
- Speech disorders
- Health problems like ulcers, skin disorders
- Obesity and weight fluctuation
Behavioral Signs:
- Habits like sucking, biting, rocking
- Learning Disabilities and developmental delays
- Overly compliant or defensive
- Extreme emotions, aggression, withdrawal
- Anxieties, phobias, sleep disorders
- Destructive or anti-social behaviors
- Behavior that is inappropriate for age
- Suicidal thoughts
Emotional abuse, not unlike other forms of abuse, often stems from a heritage of abuse and/or broken relationships. In order to stop such abuse, a cycle has to be broken. While it may seem strange, the victim of emotional abuse may not be the only one hurting. Especially with emotional abuse, abusers are often hurting and their abuse is a form of retaliation.
- Because of this, one of the first steps to preventing emotional abuse is raising awareness. People need to know what emotional abuse is and why it happens.
- The next step is for communities and individuals to be supportive of parents and families. It is important for parents to learn and be encouraged to form strong bonds with their children. If parents in any stage of parenting have not had a good role model to follow, they might not be sure how to form healthy, loving relationships with their children. This causes dysfunction in the family and can often lead to emotional abuse
- Finally, parents or caregivers should seek help if they are dealing with something such as depression, anxiety, alcoholism, or drug addiction that might cause them to abuse a child emotionally or in any other way.
Emotional abuse is the hardest form of abuse to prove. However, as with the other types of abuse we have looked at, suspicion is grounds for reporting. If you suspect emotional abuse, report it and allow child protection services to do the investigating.
Hotline number: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
GA hotline number: 1-855-GA-CHILD (1-855-422-4453)
Written by Hannah Wilson
Edited by Marquetta Smith, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries
Sources:
https://americanspcc.org/emotional-child-abuse/
https://www.childhelp.org/child-abuse/
http://www.eschooltoday.com/child-abuse/emotional-child-abuse/emotional-child-abuse-prevention-tips.html
https://preventchildabuse.org/resource/preventing-emotional-abuse/
by Marquetta Smith | May 7, 2019 | Abuse, Featured Post, Sexual abuse
What is Sexual Abuse?
The first type of child abuse we want to take a closer look at this month is Child Sexual Abuse. We defined sexual abuse in the last article as follows: “Sexual abuse occurs when an adult or older child uses a child for sexual gratification, or involves them in sexual acts.”
A child does not have the ability or sound judgment to consent to any form of sexual activity. Thus, any sexual activity involving a minor is child sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can be anything from showing a child pornographic images, to fondling, to intercourse, to sex trafficking. Any one of these issues is enough to make a person’s skin crawl. You might wonder, “How is this even possible?” And yet 21% of adults report being sexually abused as children. To add to the atrocity, 93% of child sexual abuse victims knew their abuser well. Unfortunately, perpetrators are usually family members, family friends, or other caregivers.
93% of child sexual abuse victims knew their abuser.
Sexual abuse has many lasting effects. Most, if not all, children who have been sexually abused face mental, emotional, and physical challenges as a result. Victims of sexual abuse generally experience a sense of shame, and are prone to depression and anxiety long into their adulthood. In many cases, children experience Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD).
Not only is the child harmed physically, mentally, and emotionally, but they are made more vulnerable to further abuses down the road. According to Exodus Cry, an anti-trafficking organization, victims of child abuse are prime targets for traffickers and other abusers. 65-95% of minors and adults now involved in prostitution were abused as children. Oftentimes, children who were abused continue the cycle and abuse others if they are not provided with proper counseling and after-care.
Preventing Child Sexual Abuse
What can be done to combat child sexual abuse? How can we identify it and address it in our communities? How can we stand up for the children in our lives?
Talking to Your Own Children
The first step to preventing child sexual abuse is to talk candidly with your own children. Children should be taught boundaries. They need to know that it is not okay for anyone to touch them in certain areas. An easy way to explain it would be to teach them that any area that is normally covered by a modest swimsuit is off-limits.
Let your child know that they can talk to you about anything. Make sure they feel safe confiding in you, and let them know that they won’t get in trouble. Media coverage of incidents can be a useful platform for talking to kids about these types of issues. If your child hears about an incident on the news or at school, you can ask them questions such as, “Have you ever heard of this happening before?” or “What would you do in this situation?” (Rainn.org).
Recognizing the Signs
The next step to preventing child abuse in your community is being able to recognize the signs of sexual abuse. Signs of such abuse can be identified in both the abused and in the abuser.
Signs of Sexual Abuse in a Child
Physical Signs:
- Bleeding, bruises, or swelling in the genital area
- Bloody, torn, or stained underclothes
- Difficulty walking or sitting
- Frequent urinary infections
- Pain, itching, or burning in the genital area
Behavioral Signs
- Doesn’t want to change clothing (i.e. for P.E.)
- Withdrawn, depressed, or anxious
- Eating disorders
- Preoccupation with body
- Aggression, delinquency, poor peer relationships
- Poor self-image, self-care, or lack of confidence
- Sudden absenteeism or decline in school performance
- Substance abuse, running away, recklessness, suicide attempts
- Sleep disturbance, fear of bedtime, nightmares, bed wetting (advanced ages)
- Sexually acting out
- Unusual or repetitive soothing behaviors (hand-washing, pacing, rocking, etc)
- Changes in hygiene (i.e. refusing to bath or bathing excessively)
- Develops phobias
- Expresses suicidal thoughts
- Sexual behavior or knowledge that is advanced or unusual
Signs of Abuse in a Caretaker
- Parent fails to supervise a child
- Unstable adult presence
- Jealous/possessive parent
- Sexual relationships troubled or dysfunctional
- Parent relies on the child for emotional support
Reporting Abuse
If you think you have identified signs of abuse, report it! Reporters of child abuse are always anonymous and protected. Each state has its own laws on reporting, but ChildHelp has developed a national child abuse hotline where people can report suspected abuse. ChildHelp is able to connect you with the correct organizations and resources in your state. Do not try to intervene on your own or handle a situation privately. This rarely prevents future abuse.
If a child confides in you about experiencing sexual abuse, or abuse of any kind, there are some important steps for you to take.
First of all, remain calm. If a child senses disapproval or pain in you as a result of their words, they are likely to shut down.
Second, believe what the child is telling you! Such reports are rarely false.
The next step is to re-establish safety. Develop a plan to prevent the child from unsupervised contact with their abuser. Pay close attention to what the child needs in order to feel safe, even when requests seem odd.
Also, strive to protect the child’s privacy. Do not discuss the abuse with anyone who does not need to know.
Another important course of action is to affirm to the child that the abuse is not their fault. Children need to know that they are not to blame in any way. Do not express anger in front of the child, they may interpret it as you being angry at them for speaking up.
Finally, get help. Report what you have been told to someone outside, a child abuse hotline, or other authorities. Handling the situation privately is rarely effective in preventing future abuse.
Written by Hannah Wilson
Edited and reviewed by Marquetta Smith, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries
Sources:
Incest Was My Boot Camp for Prostitution
https://www.rainn.org/articles/child-sexual-abuse
https://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/what-should-i-do-after-a-child-tells
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/somatic-psychology/201303/trauma-childhood-sexual-abuse/
