by Marquetta Smith | Oct 1, 2019 | Family Life, Featured Post, Healthy Lifestyles, Married life, Parenting, Teens, Words of Encouragement
A family can be a source of love, completeness, sacrifice, and a place to call home. What does family mean to you? Close friendships or painful separations? Are there ways of bringing families together to heal from feelings of disconnect, pain, or emotional instability?
Thankfully, there are ways to strengthen family bonds, but each family has their own specific needs to understand and address. Once you are aware of these, you can start to discover which family activities will be best for the growth and stability of your family unit.
A Simple Note to a Family Member Can Mean the World
When thinking about family units and ways to remain close, the simple things in life often matter the most. For example, kids regularly write notes to friends and crushes. In high school, passing notes is a simple right of passage for many teens. Why not send a note to a family member to just say “I love and care about you” (www.sheknows.com/parenting)?
One simple note can make the difference between a good or bad day. That same note will also tell your family member that Mom, Dad, or a sibling are thinking about you. Sometimes words fail to express feelings, so the small act of sending a note can speak volumes. In any family, knowing that you are cared and loved for is important. When someone goes the extra mile like giving a kind note, you feel complete and loved.
Dinner Time is for Bonding with Extended Family
Supper time is for more than just eating. Dinner is for bonding with family and should be a weekly ritual that is done as much as possible (www.sheknows.com/parenting).
Eating together can also be set up as a regular habit where grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are all invited. By inviting your extended family to join dinner on a weekly or monthly basis, bonding with the entire family unit can begin. Forming strong, stable relationships with extended family emphasizes the importance of family to your children and can lead to familial stability for future generations to come.
Family Rituals Can Create Lifelong Memories
Family rituals and traditions are more than occasional Sunday dinners or Friday game nights. They happen when you regularly schedule activities and set family goals. These traditions can be as simple as a movie night, but they make memories that will last a lifetime. When creating family rituals, include every member’s inputs and thoughts into what activities your family would like to do.
Some examples are writing stories for each other, make-your-own-pizza night, or go-to-a-museum day. Be as creative as you want in thinking of activities to do. Regardless of what you choose, the memories of those traditions will not be forgotten by your family members.
Support Your Family
When family members participate in activities like soccer games, recitals, or spelling bees, you can show your support by taking part with them. By attending these sorts of special activities, you show your love towards your family (www.sheknows.com/parenting) and spend quality time together. Showing that you care and love your family by supporting their activities and their interests can make a huge difference in strengthening family bonds.
All Voices Should be Counted
When talking to your family and deciding activities, be sure to acknowledge and listen to everyone’s voices. If you want to raise your children to have a voice, you also need to listen to that voice (www.sheknows.com/parenting). When parents listen to the input of everyone in the household, they can create traditions, rituals, and activities that everyone likes.
Simply being in a family does not mean that close relationships come overnight. When you listen to your family, create rituals, and support and love each other, then closeness can come. As you do this, you may change your outlook on family, and you and your family can grow closer together for years to come.
Written by Diana Ashworth, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries
by Marquetta Smith | Sep 21, 2019 | Family Life, Featured Post, Healthy Lifestyles, School Shootings, Teen issues, Teens, Words of Encouragement
On September 1, the Odessa Police Department in West Texas identified Seth Ator, age 36, as the man who killed seven people and wounded 22 others in a shooting spree. The shooting occurred on August 31, 2019 and caused 15 crime scenes. [1]
Nowadays, there seems to be a rise in the number of shooting incidents reported in the media. This can concern many families, causing serious anxiety in both children and adults. Here are some things to keep in mind as you navigate conversations about shootings with your family.
Reassure
One of the most important gifts you can give your family in light of tragedy is the reassurance of your presence and of the presence of other people who care. Because reported shootings have occurred in schools, children may feel that they are at risk. Parents may also doubt that their children are truly safe.
Reassuring your kids (and yourself) of safety measures that are already in place is a great way to calm those fears. For example, your children’s school may keep certain doors locked, require sign-ins, or use security cameras. Remember that school shootings are rare, and that the vast majority of schools are safe.
The most recent study by the National Center for Education Statistics reports that crime in the nation’s schools and college campuses has declined overall during the past two decades, and that safety measures have increased. [2] If your children still feel unsafe, review their school’s safety measures with them and find some key adults at the school that your children can talk with about their fears.
Discuss According to Age
Being honest and emphasizing safety is important in these types of conversations. However, the level at which you can discuss these issues may vary according to age. Remember to keep your discussions age appropriate.
Elementary Age: Children in elementary school can ask a lot of questions. Due to the serious nature of the issue, parents may want to limit how much they share. Remember that young kids may not be ready to hear about the entire scope of the problem. Brief, easy-to-understand wording can be enough. Throughout your conversations, be sure to reassure your kids of their safety and be sensitive to their emotional state.
Middle schoolers: Middle schoolers may have varying ideas of the issue. Start off by asking them what they know and think about the problem of shootings and violence. Ask them how they feel and take time to listen. Children at this age may want more information on whether they are safe at their schools. This can be an opportunity to educate and discuss their school’s safety protocols with them.
High schoolers and young adults: Teenagers and adults will have the capacity to discuss this issue on a deeper level, but their emotional needs remain the same. Communicating openly about both your and your children’s safety concerns and mental health issues are great ways to reassure them. Bring up safety guidelines for students in high school or college and remind them of their own abilities to respond. Because older children can be more mature, they can play an active part in the solution through prevention. Encourage them to discuss these things and their ideas with a listening ear.
Let Them Help
Some children, as well as adults, are better able to cope with a tragedy if they can play a part in giving back. Because of this, consider ways your family can help a community affected by a shooting, perhaps through fundraisers, events, or heartfelt gifts and prayers. Remind your children that they have the ability to take action. By reporting their concerns, paying attention to school guidelines and rules, and creating your own family safety plans, they can be involved in the pursuit of safety.
Monitor Emotional State
When news such as the Odessa shooting comes up, both kids and adults normally feel fearful, sad, and even angry. Be sure to notice this and be willing to lend a listening ear to both the children and adults in your family.
Treat your children’s questions seriously and to validate them in their emotions. Again, reassurance can go a long way for their emotions and well-being. If your child is concerned about returning to school, remind them that these incidents are not the norm.
Lastly, do not be afraid to share your own feelings about shootings. Your children are not the only ones who can be shaken up by these tragedies. Your vulnerability will make a huge difference in reminding them that they are not alone in their worries.
Article written by Brooke Smoke, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries.
References:
- https://nces.ed.gov/pubs2018/2018036.pdf
- https://www.cnn.com/2019/09/01/us/odessa-texas-shooting-sunday/index.html
by Marquetta Smith | Sep 20, 2019 | Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Emotional abuse, Healthy Lifestyles, Physical abuse, Sexual abuse, Words of Encouragement
What is Therapy?
When considering the healing process for trauma and abuse victims, the idea of therapy may lead to some eyebrow raising. In the long term, however, therapy has undeniable benefits for these individuals. While therapy does not give you instant relief like regular medication, it is a tool to learn strength, confidence, and preventative information over time so that you never find yourself in an abusive situation again. Other benefits for victims of trauma include a better understanding and validation of one’s feelings, and rebuilding confidence so you can move on in life.
Therapy occurs in many forms, such as group therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (which I am currently trying out), and mindfulness-based therapy. You can choose whichever one works for you according to your preferences, as long as you take a leap of faith and try it out.
Remembering that therapy is an ongoing process is important. You will not see many of its benefits right away, since healing from abuse requires time and work. For the most effective therapy, you need to be focused, willing to be vulnerable, and ready to participate in communication and self-help with the assigned “homework.”
Why Go to Therapy?
After attending therapy a few times, I found that it helps me understand more about myself and why I react uniquely in different situations, depending on events in my past. It also allows me to analyze the shame I often feel regarding past abusive experiences. For trauma victims, walking around with shame can cause anxiety and depression. Feeling like a shell of a person, you no longer feel like yourself, yet you badly yearn to return to the way life was before the abuse. Unfortunately, that is not possible, which is why learning to cope with your symptoms and getting help as soon as possible after experiencing trauma is paramount.
Understand/Validate your Feelings!
One of therapy’s benefits for trauma victims is how it teaches them to interpret their feelings and emotions, which can lead to the next step in the healing process. Validating those feelings and emotions can also promote self-confidence in oneself, a key element in building up the mental strength to leave behind past abuse. Since abuse victims usually believe that their emotional responses are unreliable, affirmations from unbiased outsiders like therapists can hugely impact victims’ mental well-being in a positive manner.
What are the Signs of Abuse?
A second reason therapy is helpful is that it educates victims on signs of abuse as a precaution for future, potentially dangerous circumstances. Moving past traumatic experiences includes learning how to discern appropriate and inappropriate behaviors in relationships. Being in an abusive relationship can induce self-doubt, which is detrimental to a victim in the process of healing.
Therapy can teach you what to look out for in a relationship that exhibits signs of domestic violence. Some of these signs are: discouraging you from seeing family and friends, shaming you verbally and psychologically, and controlling your whereabouts at all times (“What is Domestic Violence” n.d.).
Rebuild Confidence in Yourself!
A final reason to go to therapy is that it rebuilds your self-confidence and reminds you of who you once were. To avoid abuse, trauma survivors normally try to please their partners by catering to their desires and conforming to their ideals. Sadly, you can you lose yourself in this process of making the other person happy. Therapy can help you remember who you are and who you want to be after having experienced the abuse. It offers you a safe space to be who you want to be, to say what you want to say, and most importantly, to express your emotions and feelings without repercussions.
These are just a few reasons on why therapy is important for abuse survivors. Remember, therapy is not a magic pill-it cannot immediately remove the memories or feelings you hold of past trauma. However, by giving you tips on how to rewire your brain and think differently of your situation, therapy allows you to process trauma so that it no longer negatively affects you nor holds you back in life.
If you feel you are in an abusive relationship or experiencing some form of violence in the home, please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Blog written by Lavette Warren, Non-Profit Management Team Safe Harbor International Ministries
For more blog posts and weekly podcasts, visit: www.solelysade.com
References:
“What is Domestic Violence” (n.d). Retrieved on August 21, 2019 from https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
by Marquetta Smith | Sep 19, 2019 | Family Life, Healthy Lifestyles, Parenting, Teen issues, Teens, Words of Encouragement
Death is inevitable. As adults and as children, we all process death differently. While you always want to be open and loving with your children and family, you also need to be real with them about the complexities of death.
Any loss, whether tragic or natural, is difficult for family. When discussing death, remember to acknowledge the legitimacy of your family members’ feelings of grief while encouraging an eventual return to normal life. As long as you are direct with family in conversations on what their emotions mean, you can help you and your children grieve in a healthy way.
Discussing Death with Children
When talking about death to your younger family members, use simple words and concepts:
- Listen and comfort
- Put emotions into words
- Tell your child what to expect
- Talk about funerals and rituals
- Give your child a role
- Explain burial/cremation and what happens to the person’s soul after death
(Taken from www.kidshealth.org)
When talking to children about death or a tragic loss, use words that your children will understand, and avoid complex vocabulary or confusing abstract ideas. Doing so will allow your kids to grasp the concept of death and tragedy more fully.
With death being a difficult topic to comprehend, your family and children will have many questions which will require plenty of explanation on your part. Inviting your kids to express their emotions and having the patience to listen to and comfort your kids is crucial.
Grief over a family member or loved one’s death causes a multitude of emotions. When your children ask how you are feeling, try your best to articulate your feelings into words (www.kidshealth.org). Doing so shows your children the importance and normality of such emotions, like feeling empty or confused over a painful loss. Be sure to explain that what your kids are feeling is perfectly acceptable.
Managing Your Children’s Expectations
When a loss occurs, let your children know what to expect and how their lives will change. While you can express hope for a return to normality, remind them that in the immediate aftermath of a death, feeling sad and disconnected is alright. Your kids have experienced a great loss and they must learn to deal with the severity of that event. To ensure that your family has accurate expectations, advise them of the following:
- There will be a funeral/memorial service to remember the individual who has passed away.
- Explain to them at the service that the body may or may not be there. Explain the difference between burial and cremation.
- Advise them on appropriate behavior at the reception following the funeral.
- Inform them that at the reception, family members and friends will talk about the loved one and often share memories with your children and yourself.
As any loss is never easy, and losing a loved one often causes great pain, a solid support system is imperative for the well-being of yourself and your family. When pain and suffering overwhelms you or your children, remember that love and patience goes a long way to alleviate those feelings. Never be afraid to express your emotions and to empathize with those of your family members and other close individuals.
Article written by Diana Ashworth, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries
by Marquetta Smith | Sep 18, 2019 | Dating, Family Life, Featured Post, Healthy Lifestyles, Teen issues, Teens
As your child reaches their teenage years, an increased interest in dating is completely normal for them. However, since teens are still developing the emotional and relational skills needed for healthy relationships, parental guidelines are absolutely vital. While teens need space and privacy at times, those who talk with their parents will be more prepared for this stage of life.
Set Safety Boundaries
As a parent, setting boundaries is important to keep your teen safe while dating. Having age restrictions, using a chaperone when necessary, and establishing a concrete curfew are a few ways to start. Most importantly, parents must be informed about their teens’ relationships. Make sure your teen understands that you would like to know their basic plans (where they are going, what they are doing, and when they will be home) and keep them accountable to what they say. Setting guidelines for appropriate behaviors can show that you expect your teen to stay responsible.
Meet-and-Greet
Though your teen may not appreciate that you want to meet their date, doing so is an important step in your teen’s dating life. A simple conversation can go a long way. As soon as the timing is appropriate, be sure to discuss your boundaries with the parents of the person your teen is dating. Do they share similar values? Can you trust them to set similar safety rules?
Warn of Dangers
Your teen should be aware that dating in this age means that there is a multitude of dangers to consider. Discuss technology dangers with them and provide general guidelines for online romance. Remind them that anything they send can be used against them, no matter how much they trust the person on the other side.
In-person dating has its dangers as well. Violence in teen relationships is a serious issue. Nearly 1 in 11 females and approximately 1 in 15 male high school students reported physical dating violence in the last year. [1] It was found that 26% of women and 15% of men were victims of sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by a romantic partner before the age of 18. [1] Never be afraid to speak up if you notice manipulation or other unhealthy behaviors arising on either side. Establish safety rules and warn your teen of date violence dangers.
Mistakes are Part of the Journey: The Don’ts
As someone who was once a teen, you know how confusing life can be at this time. Be ready to remember: your teen will make mistakes. To keep yourself accountable, take care to follow these guidelines to make sure you handle your teen’s mistakes well. Being an overprotective parent can cause a rift in your relationship with your child. Nothing is more valuable than your child’s trust.
Being negative about your teen’s dating life can cause added tension. On the other hand, being indifferent can also be a problem. While you should be respectful of your teen’s personhood and developing independence, don’t be afraid to express healthy boundaries and to say no when necessary.
Keep the Conversation Open
Teens who talk regularly with their parents from a young age will generally be more ready to express discernment in the future. Remember that your teen doesn’t just need a leader, but also a friend and a mentor. If they feel comfortable expressing anything to you without fear of judgment or reproof, they will be more willing to keep you in the loop.
Article written by Brooke Smoke, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries
Resources:
- https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/teendatingviolence/fastfact.html
- https://www.verywellfamily.com/five-truths-teens-and-dating-2611146
- https://www.bhg.com/health-family/parenting-skills/teen-challenges/rules-for-teen-dating/
