by Marquetta Smith | Oct 20, 2016 | Abuse, Family Life, Family Violence
Driving home from work, Sandra looks at her watch nervously and says to herself, “I’m late again. I wish my boss wouldn’t hold such long meetings, especially when it gets closer to the time we should being getting off.” She is going over in her head all of the things she has to do before she goes home…stop by the grocery store, pick up John’s pants at the seamstress, and get Andy from the babysitter. Sandra says out loud, “I can’t be late again. I just can’t be late again.”
After a long day at work and making all of her errands, she finally makes it home. Mike, Sandra’s husband is waiting quietly in the kitchen as she walks in. Quickly Mike knocks everything out of Sandra’s hand and then he pulls her to the floor by her hair. Sandra screams out, “You promised you wouldn’t hit me again!”
This is a living nightmare for so many victims of abuse every single day. For some individuals, it is a never-ending cycle that is repeated over and over again. When abusers promise not to hit the victim again, they fear it will happen in the future. At times, they may start to doubt their own judgment, or wonder whether they’re going crazy.
In this article, I wish to explore the characteristics of an abuser. When I run support groups for victims of domestic violence, this is one of the main topics that is very important to cover. There are many key behaviors that stand out when individuals are trying to identify an abuser. Identifying these behaviors can be very instrumental in assisting victims of abuse to avoid making the same choices in choosing their next partner. Reviewing the characteristics will also help survivors quickly identify these behaviors, and it can also aid them in teaching their children about what to look for when dating.
I want the readers to keep in mind that abusers can be anyone, male or female. Men are sometimes abused by a female or male partner, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. This article is not to single out any group. My ultimate goal is to assist in stopping the brutal cycle of abuse from passing down to the next generation and to help victims heal.
Here is a list of some behaviors that abusers will sometimes exhibit:
- A strong need to control the partner and every aspect of the relationship
- Some abusive individuals tend to express “hard” emotions: guilt, frustration, hurt, etc. as anger
- Can be very manipulative
- Constantly monitor the partner’s activities
- Denies behavior; makes excuses; blames the partner
- Projects blame onto their partner
- Are insecure and jealous of the partner
- Exaggerated jealousy around “their” partner having any relationships with other people
- Excessively dependent on the victim
- Impulsive: they move frequently, change jobs, change friends, and may drop in and out of treatment
- At times, they can view themselves as emotionally isolated, especially from other men. They have no true friends.
- Have few to no skills in reducing stress levels other than battering
- May have been abused or neglected during their childhood or have witnessed violence in their homes while growing up
- Have an extraordinary fear of losing the relationship and can go to any lengths (even murder) to keep it
Keep in mind that there are many other behaviors that abusers will exhibit, and this list is not a complete list of characteristics.
If you are someone you know is experiencing any of these things in a relationship, please seek help and call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-789-3224 for TTY).
For Americans overseas: International Toll-Free 866-USWOMEN.
For international victims of abuse please refer to this website for a list of resources available to you: http://www.vachss.com/help_text/domestic_violence_intl.html
By Marquetta Smith, Advocate and Survivor
by Marquetta Smith | Jan 26, 2016 | Stories of Hope
We recently visited a nursing home in our area and gave out lap quilts that my family and mom’s church made. I can’t tell you how rewarding this was to see the faces of the individuals light up. I felt so blessed to be able to give something away that was made with so much love and so much care.
In this moment, I truly realized how much handmade items are really appreciated. It was just like each lap quilt was made uniquely for that individual. You can truly tell when God is in something. Each of their faces lit up with excitement as each lap quilt was given to them.
One lap quilt was made by a lady who, at the time she was making it, made it with the sole purpose to give it away to her male cousin who was in the nursing home. The lady who made the quilt was on the other side of the nursing home, giving items out while we gave out the quilt she made to a gentleman in a wheelchair, not knowing who this man was we gave the quilt to.
Several minutes later, the lady who made the quilt came over to where we were, and screamed with excitement. She said “This was the quilt I made that I was going to give to my cousin.” She said that she forgot to take it out of the box of quilts before the group started passing out the lap quilts.
We thought we did something wrong by giving this gentleman this particular lap quilt. But she went on to say that “This gentleman is my cousin.” The quilt that she made for him that she forgot to take out of the box, in the end, the quilt got to the rightful recipient. Wow…God truly arranges things to work out as he plans things to go.
Mom and her women’s group at her church
Lap Quilts
Mom, Me, Unna, Susan, Maslyn, and a resident at the nursing home
Me giving out a lap quilt to a resident
Susan and her cousin with the lap quilt she made for him
For more information about what we do, please feel free to visit our website at safeharborim.com and our online Esty store at From Mama’s Garden.
By Marquetta Smith
by Marquetta Smith | Oct 31, 2015 | Prophetic Words
I was driving one morning to work, and on that particular morning, the traffic was very heavy, so I decided to take another route to work. While driving, I saw a building that caught my eye. I had to take a second look at this building. There wasn’t anything special about it, but it made me take another look at it. The building was located within a storefront outdoor shopping area, where all of the stores are connected to each other.
The second time I looked at the building, I noticed that it had the name of a church. The writing was not big, nor did it have a church look or feel to it. Then I heard in the spirit that God is placing spiritual hospitals throughout the world. These locations will not be easily detected, and they will not have the outward appearance of being a church.
I then began to ask God: what was He doing? He shared with me that the church as we know it will not be able to handle the masses of people who God is ushering into His kingdom. The church structure as we know it will no longer be effective, nor will it be able to handle the needs of the people. His new structure will be able to not only meet the needs of the people, but it will also breathe life back into the body of Christ.
When I think about what hospitals represent, I think about hospitals meeting each unique need to cure an illness or disease, whether minor or complicated. Spiritual hospitals will have that same concept spiritually. These places will be able to handle the needs of the people. Whether big or small, the needs will be met.
These spiritual hospitals will be strategically placed throughout neighborhoods, communities, and cities. They will be placed within universities, recreational places, shopping areas, homes, and businesses. I then heard in my spirit that the people are not coming to churches, but they will go shopping, they will go to recreational places. God is going to where the people are. He is ushering the move of the new structure outside of the church walls. Also, these churches will be creating communities online where individuals will be able to reach out to God’s spiritual leaders through online portals and other social media outlets.
There are churches that have begun moving with God and going outside of the four walls. Many of the churches who are not ready and prepared for this shift and move of God will be left trying to figure out how to “bring in the souls” with their old church structure.
We are getting ready to see God move in a different direction by shifting structures and tearing down old structures that have not produced fruit.
Wherefore by their fruits, ye shall know them; Matthew 7:20.
By Marquetta Smith
by Marquetta Smith | Oct 4, 2015 | Abuse, Family Life, Family Violence
Many women who have come out of abusive relationships are asked this one daunting question: Why did you stay?
My mother was asked recently why she stayed in an abusive relationship for 43 years. Her answer was amazing to me. She said she stayed for many reasons, and that she believed that when people get married, they should honor their marriage vows, come Hell or high water. Well, she endured many days and nights of Hell until it became a matter of life or death for her. My mother is a very strong Christian woman that looks for the good in everyone she meets. She told me once that looking for the good in people “helps you understand the bad parts about them.” Needless to say, she was always believing and looking for the good in my father, which lead to 43 years of hoping to see the good in him. It only got worse as the years passed by.
There are many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships year after year. All of the reasons are legitimate to a victim of abuse. I find it very odd when I hear people say mean things about victims of abuse, especially when they say stupid things like “why don’t they just leave,” “they are dumb for putting up with that,” or “if I were them, I would…” If a person has never walked in an abused woman’s shoes, they have no idea what it feels like to make this painful, life-changing decision.
Here are a few reasons why women stay in abusive relationships:
- No Support System: Their abuser has isolated them from the only support system they had, their family and friends.
- Lack of Financial Support: Many times, the abuser has put the victim in tremendous debt, and has made it impossible for the victim to ask her family for finances, because the abuser has destroyed the family’s trust and has separated her from her loved ones.
- Children: Many victims have concerns about their children and what will happen to them when they leave their partner. Victims may have young children and feel as if the children should have their father in their life. They may also feel like their partner will turn the kids against them. They may also feel like the kids will end up hating them for leaving their father.
- No Place to Go: We see this so many times, when the victim does not have another place to stay and does not want to go to a shelter, because she may have to separate the kids, depending on the type of shelter it is. Some domestic violence shelters have age limits on the ages of kids placed with them, therefore leaving the mother having to make a decision where to place the older child. Also, there is a shortage of domestic violence shelters, and when victims attempt to go to the shelters, the shelters have reached their capacity.
- Loss of Job or Lack of Job: Abusers stop their victims from going to work, or going to work on time, and the victim may lose her job. This is only another form of control. The abuser wants to control every aspect of her life, and making her lose her job so she can depend on him gives him more control. On the other hand, an abuser may allow the victim to keep her job, but calls her job many times throughout the day to check up on her, causing her to lose the job.
- Making Her Feel Like No One Else Will Want Her: The abuser may tell her that she will never find anyone else that will love her. Victims sometimes feel like they do not deserve better and that they are nothing. These are some effects of abuse that they are experiencing.
- Fear: Sometimes victims may fear their partner’s actions, such as that their partner may kill them if they leave, or take the children. They may also fear that their partner may report them to ICE or take their green card away.
Why Leave an Abusive Relationship
When I was leading a support group for domestic violence victims several years ago, I noticed that they all struggled with the painful idea of having to leave their violent relationships. For many of them, the decision to leave came down to this one horrific reality: “If I don’t leave today, tonight he may kill me in front of the kids.” This was an awful notion to have to ponder on to make a decision to leave a relationship. But for many, this was the very thing they needed to come to terms with in order to make the decision to leave.
I believe my mother’s crucial point to make the decision to leave came for her one night when her life almost ended in front of me. She told me that she felt so humiliated and degraded as a mother when my father abused her while I was trying to stop the abuse. She later told me that she never thought in a million years that he would do that in front of me.
Staying in that abusive relationship not only robbed my mother of her dignity, self-worth, and happiness, but it deprived her of years of finding the love and life she so longed for. When she finally left, she said it felt like someone had released her from a prison of bondage. Getting free was the best thing that could have happened to her. Trust me, she has never looked back.
My challenge today to whoever is reading this article is to be supportive to someone you know who may be in an abusive relationship. Walking away from the relationship may be the hardest decision they will have to make in their whole entire life. You may be the only shoulder they have to cry on. They need your love and support. Will you be a support to them today?
By Marquetta Smith, Advocate and Survivor
by Marquetta Smith | Sep 23, 2015 | Prophetic Words
Are you feeling like you have tried everything you could possibly do to move ahead? Have you prayed many nights for long-awaited changes to take place in your life? And are you still finding yourself in the same place you started, seeing little to no change at all? For those of you who said yes to these questions…this word is for you today.
I remember one time, I was going out of town on business for training. I had already made the necessary arrangements for the trip, which included booking the hotel, flight, and renting the car. I had planned everything out prior to the trip. When I arrived at the location to pick up my rental car, there was a delay, or you can say a small problem. They did not have my rental ready. They had overbooked the rentals for that day. This was very frustrating for me, because I was on a tight schedule. To add to the madness, I had to wait around for 30 to 40 minutes for them to straighten everything out. I then asked for a manager to assist with this incident.
The manager quickly resolved the issue and offered me an upgraded vehicle. I also told the manager that I had been waiting for 30 to 40 minutes for this issue to be resolved, and I was behind in my schedule. The manager then upgraded the rental car again, and offered me two free days. Basically, they gave me two free upgrades and two free rental days. Talk about an upgrade!
I quickly heard my Heavenly Father say “I am upgrading those of you who have encountered hindrances.” Within the past season, some blessings were blocked, delayed, or even derailed, but now you will begin to see your life being upgraded. What should have been given to you, more will be released to you because of the hindrances you have encountered in the past seasons, for the Almighty is “upgrading” your blessings. Double for your trouble.
My Prayer for you today: I pray for those who have encountered countless hindrances and obstacles on life’s journey. I speak that the blessings of the Lord will no longer be blocked, delayed, or hindered. Father, I thank you for upgrading them today!
By Marquetta Smith
