Family Violence: “Why Did I Stay?”

Many women who have come out of abusive relationships are asked this one daunting question: Why did you stay?

My mother was asked recently why she stayed in an abusive relationship for 43 years. Her answer was amazing to me. She said she stayed for many reasons, and that she believed that when people get married, they should honor their marriage vows, come Hell or high water. Well, she endured many days and nights of Hell until it became a matter of life or death for her. My mother is a very strong Christian woman that looks for the good in everyone she meets. She told me once that looking for the good in people “helps you understand the bad parts about them.” Needless to say, she was always believing and looking for the good in my father, which lead to 43 years of hoping to see the good in him. It only got worse as the years passed by.

There are many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships year after year. All of the reasons are legitimate to a victim of abuse. I find it very odd when I hear people say mean things about victims of abuse, especially when they say stupid things like “why don’t they just leave,” “they are dumb for putting up with that,” or “if I were them, I would…” If a person has never walked in an abused woman’s shoes, they have no idea what it feels like to make this painful, life-changing decision.

Here are a few reasons why women stay in abusive relationships:

  1. No Support System: Their abuser has isolated them from the only support system they had, their family and friends.
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  3. Lack of Financial Support: Many times, the abuser has put the victim in tremendous debt, and has made it impossible for the victim to ask her family for finances, because the abuser has destroyed the family’s trust and has separated her from her loved ones.
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  5. Children: Many victims have concerns about their children and what will happen to them when they leave their partner. Victims may have young children and feel as if the children should have their father in their life. They may also feel like their partner will turn the kids against them. They may also feel like the kids will end up hating them for leaving their father.
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  7. No Place to Go: We see this so many times, when the victim does not have another place to stay and does not want to go to a shelter, because she may have to separate the kids, depending on the type of shelter it is. Some domestic violence shelters have age limits on the ages of kids placed with them, therefore leaving the mother having to make a decision where to place the older child. Also, there is a shortage of domestic violence shelters, and when victims attempt to go to the shelters, the shelters have reached their capacity.
  8.  

  9. Loss of Job or Lack of Job: Abusers stop their victims from going to work, or going to work on time, and the victim may lose her job. This is only another form of control. The abuser wants to control every aspect of her life, and making her lose her job so she can depend on him gives him more control. On the other hand, an abuser may allow the victim to keep her job, but calls her job many times throughout the day to check up on her, causing her to lose the job.
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  11. Making Her Feel Like No One Else Will Want Her: The abuser may tell her that she will never find anyone else that will love her. Victims sometimes feel like they do not deserve better and that they are nothing. These are some effects of abuse that they are experiencing.
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  13. Fear: Sometimes victims may fear their partner’s actions, such as that their partner may kill them if they leave, or take the children. They may also fear that their partner may report them to ICE or take their green card away.
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Why Leave an Abusive Relationship

When I was leading a support group for domestic violence victims several years ago, I noticed that they all struggled with the painful idea of having to leave their violent relationships. For many of them, the decision to leave came down to this one horrific reality: “If I don’t leave today, tonight he may kill me in front of the kids.” This was an awful notion to have to ponder on to make a decision to leave a relationship. But for many, this was the very thing they needed to come to terms with in order to make the decision to leave.

A crying victim of family violence hugging herself

I believe my mother’s crucial point to make the decision to leave came for her one night when her life almost ended in front of me. She told me that she felt so humiliated and degraded as a mother when my father abused her while I was trying to stop the abuse. She later told me that she never thought in a million years that he would do that in front of me.

Staying in that abusive relationship not only robbed my mother of her dignity, self-worth, and happiness, but it deprived her of years of finding the love and life she so longed for. When she finally left, she said it felt like someone had released her from a prison of bondage. Getting free was the best thing that could have happened to her. Trust me, she has never looked back.

My challenge today to whoever is reading this article is to be supportive to someone you know who may be in an abusive relationship. Walking away from the relationship may be the hardest decision they will have to make in their whole entire life. You may be the only shoulder they have to cry on. They need your love and support. Will you be a support to them today?

By Marquetta Smith, Advocate and Survivor

Upgraded

Are you feeling like you have tried everything you could possibly do to move ahead? Have you prayed many nights for long-awaited changes to take place in your life? And are you still finding yourself in the same place you started, seeing little to no change at all? For those of you who said yes to these questions…this word is for you today.

I remember one time, I was going out of town on business for training. I had already made the necessary arrangements for the trip, which included booking the hotel, flight, and renting the car. I had planned everything out prior to the trip. When I arrived at the location to pick up my rental car, there was a delay, or you can say a small problem. They did not have my rental ready. They had overbooked the rentals for that day. This was very frustrating for me, because I was on a tight schedule. To add to the madness, I had to wait around for 30 to 40 minutes for them to straighten everything out. I then asked for a manager to assist with this incident.

The manager quickly resolved the issue and offered me an upgraded vehicle. I also told the manager that I had been waiting for 30 to 40 minutes for this issue to be resolved, and I was behind in my schedule. The manager then upgraded the rental car again, and offered me two free days. Basically, they gave me two free upgrades and two free rental days. Talk about an upgrade!

I quickly heard my Heavenly Father say “I am upgrading those of you who have encountered hindrances.” Within the past season, some blessings were blocked, delayed, or even derailed, but now you will begin to see your life being upgraded. What should have been given to you, more will be released to you because of the hindrances you have encountered in the past seasons, for the Almighty is “upgrading” your blessings. Double for your trouble.

My Prayer for you today: I pray for those who have encountered countless hindrances and obstacles on life’s journey. I speak that the blessings of the Lord will no longer be blocked, delayed, or hindered. Father, I thank you for upgrading them today!

Double for your trouble

By Marquetta Smith

Trailblazers and Trendsetters, “Who’s First?”

Have you ever tried to look for a well laid out plan or blueprint to help you along the path of life? You tried to look at this person or at this particular community for guidance to lead the way, or to help you determine which step to take next, or even if you are going in the right direction? Well, me too, until I got a huge revelation of who I was.

One night I had a dream about traveling to an unknown city. Laid out before me was a blank, life-size map. This map was very unique. It only had enough information on it to guide me to my next destination. The crazy thing about this map was that I had to actually step onto the map to receive my next set of instructions or directions. Once I took the first step, another set of instructions was given to me. When I didn’t take a step, I noticed that there were no next set of instructions given to me. Only when I took the next step I could then see the next steps I should take.

When I awoke from this dream, I began to immediately think about front liners, trendsetters, and leaders. They all have one thing in common…they all take the first steps before others to lead the way. There is no set plan or laid out map for them to follow. They just step out and walk by faith, not by what they can see.
Harriett Tubman

What if Harriett Tubman didn’t take the first step to free the slaves, and waited for someone else to lead the way?

Sarah Caldwell

What if Shirley Chisholm did not become the first African-American woman in Congress, but waited for someone else to become the first?

Or Sarah Caldwell, who became the first woman to conduct at New York’s Metropolitan Opera House?

Or Dr. Antonia Novello, who was sworn in as U.S. Surgeon General, becoming the first woman (and first Hispanic) to hold that job?

And what about Viola Davis, the first black woman to win Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series?

Viola Davis

Being first can be scary, unsettling, and at times, lonely. The comfort in being a front liner, trendsetter, and leader is that the Almighty will gently lead the way by showing them the next step, but only after they have taken the first. Paths are not laid out for them. They are the path for others to follow.

Question: Are you called to go first?

Article by Marquetta Smith

How to Withstand the Blows of Life: Train Like a Heavy Weight

Have you often wondered why your life has been full of trials, testing, and yes, some downright knockout painful moments? Good news, you were in training to become a heavyweight. I recently did some research on some of the most famous heavyweight boxers, and wanted to know what set them apart from the others. It all boiled down to their training in preparation for the big fight.

Rocky MarcianoLet’s begin with Rocky Marciano, the “Brockton Blockbuster” who was the only heavyweight champion to retire undefeated, ending with a perfect 49-0. Despite being just 5’11” and roughly 185 pounds, Marciano used his fierceness, resilience, and “Suzy Q” right hand to more than make up for his size deficit. Marciano’s secret for winning consisted of a number of actors, all of which came naturally to him. He loved to train. He ran 5 miles every day, 365 days a year, up and down the steep hills around Brockton, Massachusetts. He’d sprint up. sprint down backward, forward, with 30-pound weights on his shoes.

“If you train like I do, your legs will carry you 40 rounds,” he once said. About his power, he explained, “I don’t aim for his face. I aim for the back of his head.” He trained his punches on a special, 300-pound heavy bag, because the normal 80-pound bags no longer held up to his power. After a while, he was able to bend the 300-pounder in half with either fist.

About a month before a fight, he’d run 10 miles a day, then 12 to 15 in the last two weeks before the fight. When he got in the ring, he had power beyond belief, an inexhaustible reserve of energy, and a steel chin that didn’t mind going through Hell to get close to his opponent.

Muhammad AliThen there is Muhammad Ali, who used his dancing skills, footwork, and “hammer blow” of a jab to defeat his opponents. Marciano called him the fastest heavyweight he had ever seen. He threw his punches faster than anyone before or since, because he trained by punching underwater.

Ali is generally credited with having successfully faced the toughest all-around competition in the heavyweight division in history: Frazier, Foreman, Chuvalo, Bonavena, Quarry, Larry Holmes, Ken Norton, Earnie Shavers, and Leon Spinks.

Joe Louis

Finally, let’s look at Joe Louis, America’s first national black sporting hero who revolutionized what it meant to be a heavyweight champion. Louis brought a level of talent, skill, and size that made him an unbeatable force during his record breaking eleven plus years as heavyweight champion. He was known for how he bruised his opponents with a crushing left jab, his destructive two-fisted attack that he released with accuracy at short range, and his capacity for finishing a wounded opponent.  His mind-boggling 25 title defenses is a record that will probably never be broken. He held the heavyweight title for 11 years and 8 months. Article information from boxing insider.com and listverse.com

It is fair to say that all three heavyweights developed their techniques through extensive training and preparing for fights. The key here is training and preparing. The more training and the more time spent in preparation will give you the ability to withstand the blows of life, and also give you a better advantage over your opponent, “the enemy.” Remember that your words carry weight as well. Whatever you decree or declare, you will see.

Time spent in training for your destiny is not in vain, nor should it be taken lightly. Psalm 144:1 says: “Blessed be the Lord my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight.” God is fine-tuning your skills for praying, worshiping, hearing from Him, and most importantly, how to obey Him. He is showing you how to hit the target with accuracy and with power beyond belief, while moving within your calling. Begin today by thanking God for equipping you to become a heavyweight, for you are fearlessly and wonderfully made.

Think about it: Are you a heavyweight?

Article by Marquetta Smith, CEO of Safe Harbor International Ministries 

For more encouraging stories and articles visit Safe Harbor International Ministries at safeharborim.com

Which One Are You?

The other day I ran across one of my old 2010 journals. While reading some of the things I wrote, my eye caught a particular journal entry. It was an entry for the month of August 2010. In that month of the August journal entry, I wrote about David and his son Solomon, a passage in the Bible from I Chronicles chapters 22 and 28.

I was encouraged to share this journal entry from 2010 with my readers at this specific time. To describe what I was hearing in my spirit, I first must give a quick overview of what was going on in chapter 28. During that time, David had called a meeting with all of the most important people in Israel. David then stood up and made an announcement to the people that he had wanted to build a house of rest for the Ark of the Covenant of the Lord, and he had begun to make plans to start building this mighty temple.

But then he told the people that God told him that he could not build this temple due to the fact that David was a man of war and has shed blood abundantly. The Lord had chosen Solomon to build the house, because he was a man of rest, and God would give Solomon peace and quietness unto Israel in his days. In other words, God wanted a man who was willing to take a step back and ask God for wisdom on which way to go to build His temple where the Ark of the Covenant would rest. He was a man who wais a quiet diplomat, definitely not afraid to ask God for help.

Solomon's templeDavid quickly recognized and understood the great task that was before Solomon, his son, and that the Lord’s house should be exceedingly magnificent, famous, and glorious throughout all countries.

So what did David do when he was informed by God that He did not pick David to build the temple for Him, but instead had chosen Solomon? David did what most earthly fathers would do. He prepared his son for the great task ahead. David prepared plans for the house, brought materials in from afar, wrote out the blueprints for the building of the temple, and commanded all of the princes of Israel to help Solomon in this mighty project. But most importantly, he encouraged Solomon with his words. In verse 11 of chapter 22, David said these words to Solomon: “Now my son, the Lord be with thee, and prosper thou, and build the house of the Lord thy God, as he hath said of thee.” David spoke words of encouragement and words of faith to his son.

Also, we can see David prophesying words of encouragement to Solomon in chapter 28 verse 20: “Be strong and of good courage, and do it; fear not, nor be dismayed, for the Lord God, even my God, will be with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, until thou has finished all of the work for the service of the house of the Lord.” Wow, what a prophecy.

Blueprints for Solomon's templeWorkers building Solomon's temple

We can learn a lot from David and his son Solomon. David did not get upset and disobey God concerning the building of the Lord’s house when he was told that he was not chosen. Instead, David passed the torch to his son to continue with the plans of the Lord. David stayed in faith and believed that the Lord’s house would be built even after his death. On the other hand, Solomon did not get arrogant and filled with pride when he found out that God had chosen him instead to build the house. Solomon followed his father’s plans and preparations for the temple. Solomon was also taught by David to seek the Lord, and we can all see that Solomon was a blessed man because he heeded his father’s teachings.

Think about it: David was chosen to prepare the house of the Lord, and Solomon was chosen to build the house of the Lord. Sometimes God will choose individuals to prepare something such as a ministry, organization, project, city, or a group of people, and then God will choose individuals to follow the plan that was prepared for them to build it. In other words, Davids may only be allowed to prepare the way for the Solomons, and then the Solomons will come to carry out the plans to build it. We also must keep in mind that they are equally important, and both types are anointed to carry out their specific assignments. Whether you are called to be a David or a Solomon, God will anoint both for their destiny.

Which one are you? Are you a David or a Solomon?

By M. Smith