by Marquetta Smith | Jan 27, 2017 | Abuse, Emotional abuse, Family Life, Family Violence, Featured Post
Emotional abuse from a teenager’s point of view:
“Once again, I’m at the stupid doctor’s office on my birthday, and I bet you this one can’t tell me what’s wrong with me. Happy 17th birthday to me. Maybe I’m making this stuff up in my head,” Crystal thought to herself. “Darn, dad’s calling me again.”
“Yeah, dad, I’m here… I’m getting ready to go in now.”
“I got a call from one of your teachers today,” her dad explained, “and Mrs. Bea told me that you are failing chemistry. How many times do I have to tell your stupid ass to study? Do you want to be like your mom, a bitch who died with no education? You’re gonna have to get your shit together, Crystal…call me when you leave the doctor’s office. I am so tired of your sick ass wasting my money on those doctors.”
…click. He hung up. Crystal’s stomach started hurting worse, but she managed to drag herself into the doctor’s office, and once again, the doctor could not tell her why she was in pain. They had run test after test after test.
Crystal was always wondering why she had so many stomach aches. She had gone to many doctors since she was 6 years old. No one could tell her why she had stomach pains. Crystal was hospitalized 4 times over the last 6 months due to doctors ordering numerous tests. This continued on until one day her doctor asked her to go home and keep a journal for one month documenting each time she felt the pain — the days, times, and events that took place when she started to hurt.
One month later, Crystal returned to the doctor with her journal. Her journal was an eye opener to her and to the doctor. It was documented that each time Crystal experienced pain was when she had an argument with her father. She even documented everything her father said to her when they argued. Things like: you are so stupid, dumbass, useless bitch, slut, etc. This list went on and on. But he had also called her “daddy’s little girl.” These were the words Crystal held on to through all of the terrible arguments.
Crystal loved her dad very much, and thought she had a good relationship with him — or at least a normal one, if there was such a thing. Her mom died when she was 8, and that is when she became closer to her dad.
Her dad had always called her daddy’s little girl. That made Crystal feel safe and very close to him.
Needless to say, the doctor helped Crystal find the source of the pain. Her father’s verbal abuse had taken a toll on her physical body.
Her doctor knew that he would have to send her to a therapist to help Crystal recognize and heal from the verbal abuse that she suffered from for so many years. Those negative words spoken by her father caused a lot of physical health problems for Crystal, even though she clung to the words “daddy’s little girl.”
By Marquetta Smith, MSSW
by Marquetta Smith | Oct 31, 2016 | Abuse, Family Life, Family Violence, Featured Post, Stories of Hope
A young lady named Sandra bravely shares her mother’s story of how her mother overcame her painful past through the art of sewing…
It was the week of my mother’s birthday. She was turning 56 years old. I could tell she wasn’t feeling good that week. She had worked so many long hours at work and had been complaining of severe back pain. And the phone calls…so many prank phone calls.
My dad had come home one night and demanded that mom and I come downstairs. He had this crazy look in his eyes. I knew something was not right. He began to tell us that he knew that we had been prying into his private life and that we should stay out of his business. He was talking about the phone calls his mistresses were making to momma. He was yelling, and screaming, and making threats to us that if we did not stay out of his private life, that he would have to put an end to it. Mom was sitting down listening to all of this while trying to tell him that the women had been calling her — or stalking her.
Suddenly, my dad jumped on momma while she was sitting and began to choke the life out of her. Her eyes began to bulge out and then they started to close. I knew she could not breathe any longer. She was slowly dying in front of me. I tried pleading with my father to get off of her and tell him that she was not breathing anymore. I knew if I tried to fight him that things would get worse for my mom. I was frozen with fear and I could not move. He was not listening. So I began to pray and ask God to save my momma.
All of a sudden he let go of her neck and she let out this loud gasping sound, as if to trying to breathe again. She began coughing forcefully and finally she was breathing on her own. I looked up and saw my father standing over my mother, and he said these words I would never forget: “You better not get into my business again, or next time it will be worse.” He also warned us that we better not call the police as he walked off laughing.
My mom was left with burst blood vessels in both eyes, a swollen face, and hand prints around her neck, indicating how brutal the attack was. Keeping that horrible nightmare a secret, we told no one because of fear of what could happen to momma. We feared the worse. My father knew a lot of powerful people in our town, and telling someone could be worse for both of us. That night a part of momma had died. She stopped doing the one thing she loved…sewing.
Several years had passed, and my father jumped on my mom again. This time, the attack was much more lethal and momma feared for her life. She told me that she believed that he would try to kill her if she stayed another night. Quickly, we began to make plans for her to escape that same day. We got her out!! Finally, my mom was safe. 38 years of abuse, and it was finally over. But the emotional scars were noticeable. She had stopped sewing completely. Momma withdrew from life and all the things she used to love to do.
In 2012, I convinced mom to start sewing again. I told her that it would be very therapeutic for her. So she decided to pick up her needle and thread once again. I noticed the strangest thing happening to momma when she started sewing again. Tears started flowing, and all the pain of the past and abuse surfaced. Even though she had gone through counseling, the pain of the abuse was still there. Only when she began to sew again did we learn of how much she had suppressed and kept inside of her. The more she sewed, the more the tears fell.
It became so clear to me. Momma was “sewing through the pain.” All of the pain that she endured, the emotional abuse as well as the physical came to the surface. Momma came face to face with her pain of the past through sewing. The more she sewed quilts, the more she dealt with the things from her past. She has learned how to sew through her pain.
Momma told me that sewing has turned her pain of the past into hope and love for the future. Every quilt she sews, momma sews from a place of love now, not of the pain from the past. No more pain, but love and hope. It shows up in every one of her one-of-a-kind, unique quilts.
What was momma’s secret? How did she move from sewing in pain to sewing in love? She told me that she started praying for women who were going through abuse each time she quilts. Each stitch was a prayer sent to our Heavenly Father from momma for the millions of women who have been abused, or who are going through abuse. Her hope is that these women are free from abuse, and that God will heal them from their past.
You see, every quilt that momma sews is from the heart. And what is made from the heart reaches the heart. God healed my mom through the art of sewing.
Sandra’s prayer today is that the abuse stops for everyone who is being abused, and that each one is healed from their past. She prays that there is a bright, glorious future ahead for them.
By Marquetta Smith, MSSW
by Marquetta Smith | Oct 20, 2016 | Abuse, Family Life, Family Violence
Driving home from work, Sandra looks at her watch nervously and says to herself, “I’m late again. I wish my boss wouldn’t hold such long meetings, especially when it gets closer to the time we should being getting off.” She is going over in her head all of the things she has to do before she goes home…stop by the grocery store, pick up John’s pants at the seamstress, and get Andy from the babysitter. Sandra says out loud, “I can’t be late again. I just can’t be late again.”
After a long day at work and making all of her errands, she finally makes it home. Mike, Sandra’s husband is waiting quietly in the kitchen as she walks in. Quickly Mike knocks everything out of Sandra’s hand and then he pulls her to the floor by her hair. Sandra screams out, “You promised you wouldn’t hit me again!”
This is a living nightmare for so many victims of abuse every single day. For some individuals, it is a never-ending cycle that is repeated over and over again. When abusers promise not to hit the victim again, they fear it will happen in the future. At times, they may start to doubt their own judgment, or wonder whether they’re going crazy.
In this article, I wish to explore the characteristics of an abuser. When I run support groups for victims of domestic violence, this is one of the main topics that is very important to cover. There are many key behaviors that stand out when individuals are trying to identify an abuser. Identifying these behaviors can be very instrumental in assisting victims of abuse to avoid making the same choices in choosing their next partner. Reviewing the characteristics will also help survivors quickly identify these behaviors, and it can also aid them in teaching their children about what to look for when dating.
I want the readers to keep in mind that abusers can be anyone, male or female. Men are sometimes abused by a female or male partner, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. This article is not to single out any group. My ultimate goal is to assist in stopping the brutal cycle of abuse from passing down to the next generation and to help victims heal.
Here is a list of some behaviors that abusers will sometimes exhibit:
- A strong need to control the partner and every aspect of the relationship
- Some abusive individuals tend to express “hard” emotions: guilt, frustration, hurt, etc. as anger
- Can be very manipulative
- Constantly monitor the partner’s activities
- Denies behavior; makes excuses; blames the partner
- Projects blame onto their partner
- Are insecure and jealous of the partner
- Exaggerated jealousy around “their” partner having any relationships with other people
- Excessively dependent on the victim
- Impulsive: they move frequently, change jobs, change friends, and may drop in and out of treatment
- At times, they can view themselves as emotionally isolated, especially from other men. They have no true friends.
- Have few to no skills in reducing stress levels other than battering
- May have been abused or neglected during their childhood or have witnessed violence in their homes while growing up
- Have an extraordinary fear of losing the relationship and can go to any lengths (even murder) to keep it
Keep in mind that there are many other behaviors that abusers will exhibit, and this list is not a complete list of characteristics.
If you are someone you know is experiencing any of these things in a relationship, please seek help and call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-789-3224 for TTY).
For Americans overseas: International Toll-Free 866-USWOMEN.
For international victims of abuse please refer to this website for a list of resources available to you: http://www.vachss.com/help_text/domestic_violence_intl.html
By Marquetta Smith, Advocate and Survivor
by Marquetta Smith | Jan 26, 2016 | Stories of Hope
We recently visited a nursing home in our area and gave out lap quilts that my family and mom’s church made. I can’t tell you how rewarding this was to see the faces of the individuals light up. I felt so blessed to be able to give something away that was made with so much love and so much care.
In this moment, I truly realized how much handmade items are really appreciated. It was just like each lap quilt was made uniquely for that individual. You can truly tell when God is in something. Each of their faces lit up with excitement as each lap quilt was given to them.
One lap quilt was made by a lady who, at the time she was making it, made it with the sole purpose to give it away to her male cousin who was in the nursing home. The lady who made the quilt was on the other side of the nursing home, giving items out while we gave out the quilt she made to a gentleman in a wheelchair, not knowing who this man was we gave the quilt to.
Several minutes later, the lady who made the quilt came over to where we were, and screamed with excitement. She said “This was the quilt I made that I was going to give to my cousin.” She said that she forgot to take it out of the box of quilts before the group started passing out the lap quilts.
We thought we did something wrong by giving this gentleman this particular lap quilt. But she went on to say that “This gentleman is my cousin.” The quilt that she made for him that she forgot to take out of the box, in the end, the quilt got to the rightful recipient. Wow…God truly arranges things to work out as he plans things to go.
Mom and her women’s group at her church
Lap Quilts
Mom, Me, Unna, Susan, Maslyn, and a resident at the nursing home
Me giving out a lap quilt to a resident
Susan and her cousin with the lap quilt she made for him
For more information about what we do, please feel free to visit our website at safeharborim.com and our online Esty store at From Mama’s Garden.
By Marquetta Smith
by Marquetta Smith | Oct 31, 2015 | Prophetic Words
I was driving one morning to work, and on that particular morning, the traffic was very heavy, so I decided to take another route to work. While driving, I saw a building that caught my eye. I had to take a second look at this building. There wasn’t anything special about it, but it made me take another look at it. The building was located within a storefront outdoor shopping area, where all of the stores are connected to each other.
The second time I looked at the building, I noticed that it had the name of a church. The writing was not big, nor did it have a church look or feel to it. Then I heard in the spirit that God is placing spiritual hospitals throughout the world. These locations will not be easily detected, and they will not have the outward appearance of being a church.
I then began to ask God: what was He doing? He shared with me that the church as we know it will not be able to handle the masses of people who God is ushering into His kingdom. The church structure as we know it will no longer be effective, nor will it be able to handle the needs of the people. His new structure will be able to not only meet the needs of the people, but it will also breathe life back into the body of Christ.
When I think about what hospitals represent, I think about hospitals meeting each unique need to cure an illness or disease, whether minor or complicated. Spiritual hospitals will have that same concept spiritually. These places will be able to handle the needs of the people. Whether big or small, the needs will be met.
These spiritual hospitals will be strategically placed throughout neighborhoods, communities, and cities. They will be placed within universities, recreational places, shopping areas, homes, and businesses. I then heard in my spirit that the people are not coming to churches, but they will go shopping, they will go to recreational places. God is going to where the people are. He is ushering the move of the new structure outside of the church walls. Also, these churches will be creating communities online where individuals will be able to reach out to God’s spiritual leaders through online portals and other social media outlets.
There are churches that have begun moving with God and going outside of the four walls. Many of the churches who are not ready and prepared for this shift and move of God will be left trying to figure out how to “bring in the souls” with their old church structure.
We are getting ready to see God move in a different direction by shifting structures and tearing down old structures that have not produced fruit.
Wherefore by their fruits, ye shall know them; Matthew 7:20.
By Marquetta Smith
