by Marquetta Smith | Jul 19, 2017 | Family Life, Featured Post, Parenting
One of my favorite parent educators, Roger Allen, once said, “I have good news and bad news about the terrible twos. The good news is that it only lasts around 18 months, beginning at around age 18 months to three years old. The bad news: Kids are subject to relapse at any given point in time—usually around age 15.”
That perspective about teenagers is something that all parents eventually experience first-hand. Perfectly good, compliant, respectful children hit age fifteen or sixteen and completely lose their minds. At least, that’s the way it feels to us parents.
“What happened to my baby?” Susan asked me. “Josh used to worship the ground I walked on and then one day, he changed into this sarcastic, prickly kid I didn’t like.” That’s when her husband, Josh’s stepfather, chimed in. “I’ve always had a struggle with Josh, but now things are even worse. What do we do?”
Partly because teenagers are again wrestling with establishing an emotional identity separate from their parents, I guess you could call this period a second “terrible twos.” This happens with most teens, in most families. Stepfamilies are not, of course, immune to this process. But the ambivalent stepfamily identity can make matters even more confusing.
Four common traps that complicate the process
1. Teen Depression, Sadness, and/or Anger
The initial loss that ended a child’s family (out-of-wedlock birth, death of a parent, or parental divorce) and the ensuing losses that resulted (change of residence, schools, loss of contact with the parent and extended family, etc.) repeatedly bring emotional costs to adolescents.
Ryan was mad at the world. “My mom and dad still fight all the time and my stepmom treats me like I’m a second class compared to her kids. I just keep to myself and keep my head down.” The ongoing parental and family conflicts surrounding Ryan brought about a depression that sometimes expressed itself in withdrawn behavior and sometimes irritability.
Needless to say, Ryan was difficult to get along with. What he needs from his parent and stepparent is an extra measure of patience, without tolerating disrespectful behavior, and someone to help him cope with what can’t be changed (a counselor). Hopefully at least one home can be emotionally safe for him.
2. Taking it Personally
Given the ambiguous nature of the stepparent role, it is easy for stepparents to take personally the uncooperative attitude and grumpy—but normal—behavior of adolescents. “I just wish my husband wouldn’t take Josh’s petulance so personally,” Susan shared. “Josh is just as much a pain to me as he is to Jeff.”
While it’s true that some teens can target negativity toward the stepparent, more often than not, Susan’s perspective is right. It’s not personal, just a necessary evil of adolescent development. Jeff would do well to not take things so personally, so he doesn’t overreact and take Josh’s behavior as a rejection of him as a stepfather.
3. The Struggle to Let Go
I often remind parents that we are working ourselves out of a job. If we do our parenting job well, our children will likely launch out of our home in independence. The irony of this for step parents is that when it comes time to push the bird out of the nest, it can feel like defeat. “I’ve worked so hard to bond with this kid,” a stepmom shared, “it feels weird to let her go.” Yes, it can. But let her go, you must.
4. Striving for “Mom/Dad” Status
Insightfully, new stepparents don’t expect stepchildren to immediately call them mom or dad. But often stepparents secretly long for the day when the child begins to regularly refer to them with that term of endearment. If that doesn’t happen after a number of years—sometimes coinciding with adolescence—some stepparents emotionally withdraw with hurt feelings. This can be experienced as rejection by the stepchild, who doesn’t understand why the withdrawal is taking place.
What stepparents need to understand is that only a third of stepchildren ever grow into using the mom or dad label for their stepparent, and that many years together doesn’t increase the percentage. The mom/dad label is generally reserved by children for their biological parents. Stepparents need to do themselves and teens a favor and let go of this expectation, so it doesn’t lead to unnecessary hurt feelings.
Adolescence is a natural time of family transition and turmoil. It’s hard enough as it is. An understanding of the above dynamics will help you to not inadvertently make it worse than it already is.
Taking Action
Couples:
1. Biological parents and stepparents should talk frequently during their child’s adolescence. Bounce your perspective about the child’s behavior off the other to see if there might be another side to consider.
2. Teens need a safe place to process their emotional sadness. Bring up losses or extended family struggles that have resulted from death or divorce, and give permission to grieve together. This provides a child perspective and support.
3. Stepparents may need to grieve what will never be. A child moving out of the home before you’ve had sufficient time to bond or not ever hearing “mom/dad” are just two examples. Biological parents should not be defensive about their child, rather, listen and grieve with your spouse.
4. Have a family meeting to discuss the changes taking place with your adolescent. Be flexible with boundaries when appropriate to show respect for their increasing independence, while also maintaining the expectation that the child show respect to both parent and stepparent.
Ministry:
Student ministers, leaders, and volunteers should:
1. Read a book or attend a stepfamily conference to more fully understand stepfamily dynamics. Then you will be able to help stepparents discern a “stepfamily issue” from an “adolescent issue.” This perspective helps to de-escalate unnecessary family tension.
2. Encourage stepparents to attend student retreats, camps, and ski trips. By doing this, step parents will take advantage of fun, bonding experiences with stepchildren.
Article by Ron L. Deal
About the Author: Ron Deal is a marriage and family author, conference speaker, and therapist. He is founder and president of Smart Stepfamilies™ and director of FamilyLife Blended™, the ministry initiative of FamilyLife® to stepfamilies (for more visit www.RonDeal.org and www.FamilyLife.com).
by Marquetta Smith | Jul 19, 2017 | Family Life, Featured Post, Married life, Parenting, The Blended Family
“Thanks for recognizing that we’re not the church’s dirty little problem.”
John was spiritually paralyzed by his past. “I just never thought I could go back to church again, after the divorce and all. And to top it off, I went and got remarried. Everyone knows stepfamilies are not considered whole, just mended parts of what’s been broken.”
His statement captures the spiritual struggle of many Christian stepfamily adults: guilt over decisions or actions that contributed to a divorce, and a sense of shame from living in a “less than whole” family situation lead many people to feel as if they are “the church’s dirty little problem.” For others, an overwhelming feeling of unworthiness keeps them in a “holding pattern” around God and his church, but never “touching down” in his love. These dynamics often combine to create spiritual barriers for stepfamily members that distance them from God’s healing power.
Second Class Citizens?
I responded to John’s spiritual guilt and shame by suggesting that even though he didn’t live in an “ideal family” configuration, he wasn’t a second class Christian in God’s Kingdom. “God’s plan for one man and one woman for life does bring greater harmony to the home, but living in an intact family does not determine our worth in God’s eyes, nor our ability to receive forgiveness.”
I went on to share with John the truth about many of the characters of the Bible who were men of great faith, but whose families were far less than ideal. “Abraham lied on two occasions, saying Sarah wasn’t his wife. He was afraid for his life, so he disowned her. How selfish is that?” I pointed out. Sarah and Hagar fought over which of their sons would be the most important in Abraham’s family. Much like a modern-day stepfamily, there was jealousy, bitter rivalries, and loyalty conflicts between Abraham and his two wives (see Gen. 16, 21).
And the problems didn’t stop with his generation. If we analyze the families of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph—the Family of Promise—we see power struggles, family secrets, exploitative and coercive relationships, marital game-playing, manipulation, and parent-child alliances for selfish reasons. Furthermore, the dysfunction continues to mushroom through the family of David, who is called a “man after God’s own heart”, but whose household included a premeditated murder to cover an affair, an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, a son who replicates his father’s disgrace by raping his half sister, and a brother who avenges her humiliation by murdering his brother.
John was beginning to feel a little better about his past and current stepfamily.
Forgiveness for All
Stepfamilies need to understand this critical message: there are no second class citizens in God’s Kingdom, simply because there are no first class citizens. We’re all just sinners in need of a Savior. If God could use imperfect men like Abraham and David for his purposes, why can’t he use people in stepfamilies? If God can bring redemption to the houses of Isaac and Jacob, can’t he bring redemption to yours?
The exciting message of the cross is this: God loves and forgives the imperfect people in stepfamilies, just like he does the imperfect people in biologically intact families. He is ready, willing, and able to welcome stepfamilies into righteousness. The only question is: will you step up to receive his forgiveness? Will you step up to renew your relationship with him, or remain paralyzed by your guilt and shame?
His door is always open—step on in.
The exciting message of the cross is this: God loves and forgives the imperfect people in stepfamilies, just like he does the imperfect people in biologically intact families. By Ron L. Deal. Adapted from The Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers. Used with permission.
About the Author: Ron Deal is a marriage and family author, conference speaker, and therapist. He is founder and president of Smart Stepfamilies™ and director of FamilyLife Blended™, the ministry initiative of FamilyLife® to stepfamilies (for more visit www.RonDeal.org and www.FamilyLife.com).
by Marquetta Smith | Jul 19, 2017 | Prophetic Words
It is so important to know the function of a thing. When we are not aware of the purpose of something, we will misuse and abuse it, despite our intent. This is why we have user guides and manuals to help guide us with the operation of things.
The same way we research how to operate our phones, computers, and even vehicles, we must be just as diligent in seeking God in how we are to operate in the earth. We are so much more complex and valuable than our gadgets, but we must be just as diligent in seeking our manufacturer on our features, functions, and effectiveness in the earth. Our education, family, and personality types are all tools to help guide and sharpen us. Take time out this week to ask God to show you His purpose for your life! You will be amazed by what He shows you.
Article by Felicia A. Tate, co-creator of You Light Up the World! Part of God’s plan for all of our lives is to know Him, His love, and His purpose for our lives.
by Marquetta Smith | May 23, 2017 | Prophetic Words
Just Because My Path is Different Doesn’t Mean I’m Lost
by Marquetta Smith | May 11, 2017 | Family Life, Parenting, Words of Encouragement
We are getting closer and closer to the designated day for honoring one of God’s greatest roles on earth, motherhood! And this is the time that we get to reflect on the beautiful beings that brought us into this world. Regardless of your upbringing, the fact that you are here speaks volumes of the choice she made to birth you. And for that, we say thank you.
Moms to Be: The Expectant Ones
There is nothing like “expecting” a gift. We patiently or eagerly wait (LOL) to receive it! And some parents even make the decision to seek and find a bundle of joy to love and raise, not knowing what is in store for them.
Regardless of whether you have biologically birthed a child in this world, or if you lovingly chose to take on the role of motherhood by adopting or inheriting one, you have been named the guardian of one of God’s greatest gifts of love. In this waiting period, please reflect on the notion that you have been chosen to bring life into this world. This life will need your guidance, wisdom, and love. You may not “feel it,” but daily you are settling into God’s true character of love as you anticipate the arrival of His prized possession.
One of the greatest tasks you will have is training them up in the way in which God created them to be in the earth. So for now, take a deep breath in and smile. Please don’t take for granted the awesome and amazing task you have been given to nurture His prized possession (your/His child). Now is the time to dream with God and ask Him to show you His plans for your bundle of joy.
We’ve heard of speaking positive affirmations, but let’s take it a step further. Now is the time to begin speaking God’s desires and dreams into your womb as it grows. Plant the seeds of heaven into the tiny ears of the child you are being given. It will be so amazing to see how your prayers and guidance into their personality today will shape the world we live in tomorrow. Thank you, expectant ones!
Mom: The Real Deal
Ready or not, your baby is here! Hold on for the most adventurous time in your life. The reality of your new role has finally hit you, and your life will never be the same.
It is no longer about just you. This is when you realize you care more for the one you’ve brought into the world than your own life. It is now you and the baby. Daily, your child is expecting to eat, be loved, and clothed. They are completely dependent on you. Your baby, who doesn’t care that you didn’t sleep last night because they have decided they need you, now! Your baby, who’s looking to you for lessons, covering, and fun!
This is the same child who will one day see you as “not understanding them” because you didn’t let them have their way. This is the time that you recognize the reality that you can’t do this thing alone. And yes, the fathers play a huge role in their development (and we will have a Father’s Day piece coming soon), but your shaping, molding, and equipping should ultimately be coming from the Creator Himself. He is the one that blessed you with this bundle of joy.
Please take a moment today to reflect on how important your role truly is in raising the next generation. You are not simply raising one child. With God’s guidance, you are nurturing the very nature of God in the earth. Whether you birthed or chose to bring home your child, please understand that your child will one day be responsible for influencing thousands, if not millions of people, from their community to the world. Yes, I said it. How you train them now will be reflected in how they interact with people day in and day out throughout their lives. How you train them now will dictate how they use their platform on social media. The effects of your actions and words will be seen throughout their lives.
And don’t be ashamed when you miss the mark. God loves you regardless, and He will help you get back on track. This is a key lesson God wants us all to learn. So please don’t take it lightly when you are teaching life lessons. Your time, effort, and support never go unnoticed. Thank you for doing your part in preparing the next generation for the world.
Mom: Reflecting On Your Legacy
I remember sitting at the funeral of my grandmother and listening to my father speak about his mom. Tears welled up in his eyes as he began to reflect back on the life of his mother. I watched this 6 feet 3 inches tall man cry like a baby as he told story after story of her love, dedication, and heart to see her babies “do well” in life.
The greatest legacy that any person can leave behind is love, for it represents God’s nature through us all in the earth. So today, as you reflect on your beautiful mother, please remember the lessons and the words of wisdom that will live on with you forever.
Remember the times she was cheering at your games? She was showing you that love is showing up and showing others that you care.
Remember when she held you in her arms after that girl broke your heart, reassuring you that everything will be okay, and she wasn’t good enough for you anyway? She was teaching you self-worth.
Remember when she taught you how to cook (okay…or at least make enough money to buy food)? She was preparing you for the family that you will one day have.
Remember when she gave you chores to do, even though you didn’t want to take out the trash? She was showing you that responsibility is showing up, whether you want to or not.
And remember when she showed you how to pray? She was teaching and preparing you on how to depend on the very one that would lead and guide you along the way throughout your life, because she knew one day she would be gone.
So even though mom is no longer here, her legacy lives on through you. And as her gift to this world, we say thank you as we celebrate her legacy!
Article was written by Felicia A Tate, CEO of You Light Up the World
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Co-Author, Marquetta Smith, CEO of Safe Harbor International Ministries
