by Marquetta Smith | Jul 25, 2017 | Prophetic Words
We simply cannot earn this love. It’s a love that no other can give. It can’t be bought, bargained for, conjured up, or worked for.
This love is a precious gift, a gift that will last throughout all eternity.
This love never fades, gets old, tired, or worn out. It simply is amazing.
This love is powerful, majestic, unsearchable, undeniable, unfathomable, unquenchable, and unimaginable.
This love has stood the test of time and will remain until the end of time.
This love requires the simplest of things, belief: belief in the one who is giving the love away.
This love is simply amazing.
God’s Love
#theloveproject, #1millionquilts, #1millionhugs
by Marquetta Smith | Jul 23, 2017 | Featured Post
“Why give away so many quilts?” someone recently asked me and my family.
My answer was simple: “People need love.” My family and I feel that one of the most important things people need today is love. Giving away quilts to people who are in need of love and a hug is a big deal for us. If an individual is made to feel like they matter and that they are loved, imagine what that person could do to contribute to society.
If you take a look at how quilts are made and how much time and effort goes into making a quilt, or anything handcrafted, you would be amazed at how much love and care goes into that item that is made. Giving away quilts and pillows is our way of giving someone a big fat hug, because so much love and care go into what we make. We give away our best.
I can remember my mom sewing on a quilt for more than 5 months, and I saw how proud she was when she had finished this special quilt. In the back of my mind, I was thinking about how much money she could make from this one quilt, hundreds of dollars, but I can remember us giving this quilt away to a woman who had lost everything in a house fire. It brought us so much joy when we gave this masterpiece away, because we understood the power of a hug. Giving away that quilt that day to this woman who lost everything meant so much to us, because she most desperately needed to be told that she is still loved, not forgotten, and that someone cares for her, even in the most tragic time in her life.
So why give away so many quilts? Giving away quilts means that people will receive a hug that says: You are loved, you are special, you are unique, you are important, and most of all, it will say you are not forgotten. That is why we are going to give away so many. Giving away these quilts will reach the heart and provide comfort when people most need it. It also means that it’s a hug from God who sees all of what you have gone through. It means that you are not alone, and that God is there to help you and provide a loving shoulder to cry on. So if anyone asks us, why give away quilts, we will simply tell them that we are giving away a hug so they can feel loved.
We are definitely going to need a lot of help with this project and the goal of giving away 1 million quilts and pillows. We would love for individuals and/or groups to pitch in to help us in this project. For more information on how to help, visit the Love Project.
Quilts and Pillows That Are on the Way to a Family!
To help us give away these free quilts, visit us at “The Love Project”
by Marquetta Smith | Jul 19, 2017 | Featured Post, Stories of Hope, Words of Encouragement
Recognizing families and special individuals each month is at the heart of what our family loves to do. We believe that if we can show people how much they are appreciated and loved, we can change the heart of our culture into one of love and appreciation. We also believe that it only takes one person or one group to start off. And yes, that one person is you! Yes, you!
We all have people that have made a difference in some way or another in our lives. Why should we wait for a special holiday to say we appreciate them? It’s our belief here at Safe Harbor that these people should be celebrated all of the time, and that we should not just celebrate them on a special holiday, or when they have gone out of our lives.
There are so many people who need a hug, who need to be told that they are not alone, and given a special something that says “you are loved, appreciated, and most of all, you are not forgotten.”
Let us help you say all of those things you would like to say by joining Safe Harbor in our “Love Project” by signing up that special someone to receive a free, uniquely designed “Love Quilt”. We would love to help you celebrate that individual. Tell them how much they mean to you!
What is “The Love Project”? Safe Harbor International Ministries will highlight families and individuals each month and give them a special gift that lets them know that they are loved, appreciated for all the work they do, and cherished by individuals around them. Through the “Love Project,” our goal is to give away over 1 Million quilts and pillows to individuals that need a hug, be told that they are loved, and to keep up the good work they are doing. We will continue to give away quilts and pillows until we reach our goal of giving away a million quilts and pillows. We are determined to reach over 1 million people and give them a big hug with our gifts! Help us reach our goal by signing up that special someone to receive a free gift from us.
It may be a special teacher, a coach, a mentor, pastor, mother, father, sister, brother, child, neighbor, church leader or member, or even a total stranger that showed you an act of kindness when you most needed it. Whoever you choose to celebrate, Safe Harbor would like to help you by giving them a special handcrafted quilt or pillow. You can sign them up to receive this free quilt or pillow by following the instructions in the quilt giveaway section.
And remember, what is from the heart reaches the heart.
Marquetta Smith, CEO, and Founder of Safe Harbor IM
by Marquetta Smith | Jul 19, 2017 | Family Life, Featured Post, Parenting
One of my favorite parent educators, Roger Allen, once said, “I have good news and bad news about the terrible twos. The good news is that it only lasts around 18 months, beginning at around age 18 months to three years old. The bad news: Kids are subject to relapse at any given point in time—usually around age 15.”
That perspective about teenagers is something that all parents eventually experience first-hand. Perfectly good, compliant, respectful children hit age fifteen or sixteen and completely lose their minds. At least, that’s the way it feels to us parents.
“What happened to my baby?” Susan asked me. “Josh used to worship the ground I walked on and then one day, he changed into this sarcastic, prickly kid I didn’t like.” That’s when her husband, Josh’s stepfather, chimed in. “I’ve always had a struggle with Josh, but now things are even worse. What do we do?”
Partly because teenagers are again wrestling with establishing an emotional identity separate from their parents, I guess you could call this period a second “terrible twos.” This happens with most teens, in most families. Stepfamilies are not, of course, immune to this process. But the ambivalent stepfamily identity can make matters even more confusing.
Four common traps that complicate the process
1. Teen Depression, Sadness, and/or Anger
The initial loss that ended a child’s family (out-of-wedlock birth, death of a parent, or parental divorce) and the ensuing losses that resulted (change of residence, schools, loss of contact with the parent and extended family, etc.) repeatedly bring emotional costs to adolescents.
Ryan was mad at the world. “My mom and dad still fight all the time and my stepmom treats me like I’m a second class compared to her kids. I just keep to myself and keep my head down.” The ongoing parental and family conflicts surrounding Ryan brought about a depression that sometimes expressed itself in withdrawn behavior and sometimes irritability.
Needless to say, Ryan was difficult to get along with. What he needs from his parent and stepparent is an extra measure of patience, without tolerating disrespectful behavior, and someone to help him cope with what can’t be changed (a counselor). Hopefully at least one home can be emotionally safe for him.
2. Taking it Personally
Given the ambiguous nature of the stepparent role, it is easy for stepparents to take personally the uncooperative attitude and grumpy—but normal—behavior of adolescents. “I just wish my husband wouldn’t take Josh’s petulance so personally,” Susan shared. “Josh is just as much a pain to me as he is to Jeff.”
While it’s true that some teens can target negativity toward the stepparent, more often than not, Susan’s perspective is right. It’s not personal, just a necessary evil of adolescent development. Jeff would do well to not take things so personally, so he doesn’t overreact and take Josh’s behavior as a rejection of him as a stepfather.
3. The Struggle to Let Go
I often remind parents that we are working ourselves out of a job. If we do our parenting job well, our children will likely launch out of our home in independence. The irony of this for step parents is that when it comes time to push the bird out of the nest, it can feel like defeat. “I’ve worked so hard to bond with this kid,” a stepmom shared, “it feels weird to let her go.” Yes, it can. But let her go, you must.
4. Striving for “Mom/Dad” Status
Insightfully, new stepparents don’t expect stepchildren to immediately call them mom or dad. But often stepparents secretly long for the day when the child begins to regularly refer to them with that term of endearment. If that doesn’t happen after a number of years—sometimes coinciding with adolescence—some stepparents emotionally withdraw with hurt feelings. This can be experienced as rejection by the stepchild, who doesn’t understand why the withdrawal is taking place.
What stepparents need to understand is that only a third of stepchildren ever grow into using the mom or dad label for their stepparent, and that many years together doesn’t increase the percentage. The mom/dad label is generally reserved by children for their biological parents. Stepparents need to do themselves and teens a favor and let go of this expectation, so it doesn’t lead to unnecessary hurt feelings.
Adolescence is a natural time of family transition and turmoil. It’s hard enough as it is. An understanding of the above dynamics will help you to not inadvertently make it worse than it already is.
Taking Action
Couples:
1. Biological parents and stepparents should talk frequently during their child’s adolescence. Bounce your perspective about the child’s behavior off the other to see if there might be another side to consider.
2. Teens need a safe place to process their emotional sadness. Bring up losses or extended family struggles that have resulted from death or divorce, and give permission to grieve together. This provides a child perspective and support.
3. Stepparents may need to grieve what will never be. A child moving out of the home before you’ve had sufficient time to bond or not ever hearing “mom/dad” are just two examples. Biological parents should not be defensive about their child, rather, listen and grieve with your spouse.
4. Have a family meeting to discuss the changes taking place with your adolescent. Be flexible with boundaries when appropriate to show respect for their increasing independence, while also maintaining the expectation that the child show respect to both parent and stepparent.
Ministry:
Student ministers, leaders, and volunteers should:
1. Read a book or attend a stepfamily conference to more fully understand stepfamily dynamics. Then you will be able to help stepparents discern a “stepfamily issue” from an “adolescent issue.” This perspective helps to de-escalate unnecessary family tension.
2. Encourage stepparents to attend student retreats, camps, and ski trips. By doing this, step parents will take advantage of fun, bonding experiences with stepchildren.
Article by Ron L. Deal
About the Author: Ron Deal is a marriage and family author, conference speaker, and therapist. He is founder and president of Smart Stepfamilies™ and director of FamilyLife Blended™, the ministry initiative of FamilyLife® to stepfamilies (for more visit www.RonDeal.org and www.FamilyLife.com).
by Marquetta Smith | Jul 19, 2017 | Family Life, Featured Post, Married life, Parenting, The Blended Family
“Thanks for recognizing that we’re not the church’s dirty little problem.”
John was spiritually paralyzed by his past. “I just never thought I could go back to church again, after the divorce and all. And to top it off, I went and got remarried. Everyone knows stepfamilies are not considered whole, just mended parts of what’s been broken.”
His statement captures the spiritual struggle of many Christian stepfamily adults: guilt over decisions or actions that contributed to a divorce, and a sense of shame from living in a “less than whole” family situation lead many people to feel as if they are “the church’s dirty little problem.” For others, an overwhelming feeling of unworthiness keeps them in a “holding pattern” around God and his church, but never “touching down” in his love. These dynamics often combine to create spiritual barriers for stepfamily members that distance them from God’s healing power.
Second Class Citizens?
I responded to John’s spiritual guilt and shame by suggesting that even though he didn’t live in an “ideal family” configuration, he wasn’t a second class Christian in God’s Kingdom. “God’s plan for one man and one woman for life does bring greater harmony to the home, but living in an intact family does not determine our worth in God’s eyes, nor our ability to receive forgiveness.”
I went on to share with John the truth about many of the characters of the Bible who were men of great faith, but whose families were far less than ideal. “Abraham lied on two occasions, saying Sarah wasn’t his wife. He was afraid for his life, so he disowned her. How selfish is that?” I pointed out. Sarah and Hagar fought over which of their sons would be the most important in Abraham’s family. Much like a modern-day stepfamily, there was jealousy, bitter rivalries, and loyalty conflicts between Abraham and his two wives (see Gen. 16, 21).
And the problems didn’t stop with his generation. If we analyze the families of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph—the Family of Promise—we see power struggles, family secrets, exploitative and coercive relationships, marital game-playing, manipulation, and parent-child alliances for selfish reasons. Furthermore, the dysfunction continues to mushroom through the family of David, who is called a “man after God’s own heart”, but whose household included a premeditated murder to cover an affair, an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, a son who replicates his father’s disgrace by raping his half sister, and a brother who avenges her humiliation by murdering his brother.
John was beginning to feel a little better about his past and current stepfamily.
Forgiveness for All
Stepfamilies need to understand this critical message: there are no second class citizens in God’s Kingdom, simply because there are no first class citizens. We’re all just sinners in need of a Savior. If God could use imperfect men like Abraham and David for his purposes, why can’t he use people in stepfamilies? If God can bring redemption to the houses of Isaac and Jacob, can’t he bring redemption to yours?
The exciting message of the cross is this: God loves and forgives the imperfect people in stepfamilies, just like he does the imperfect people in biologically intact families. He is ready, willing, and able to welcome stepfamilies into righteousness. The only question is: will you step up to receive his forgiveness? Will you step up to renew your relationship with him, or remain paralyzed by your guilt and shame?
His door is always open—step on in.
The exciting message of the cross is this: God loves and forgives the imperfect people in stepfamilies, just like he does the imperfect people in biologically intact families. By Ron L. Deal. Adapted from The Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers. Used with permission.
About the Author: Ron Deal is a marriage and family author, conference speaker, and therapist. He is founder and president of Smart Stepfamilies™ and director of FamilyLife Blended™, the ministry initiative of FamilyLife® to stepfamilies (for more visit www.RonDeal.org and www.FamilyLife.com).
