“Whom the Son has set free is free indeed.”

Years ago, I worked as a bereavement counselor for a hospice hospital. While working there, I came in contact with many families who had gone through tremendous grief and hurt because they lost a loved one. During that time, I learned a great deal about grief and loss. I would counsel families after they had lost a loved one through some type of sickness or disease.

The most important advice that I could give families while they were in their most vulnerable state was to “allow themselves time to grieve, and get plenty of rest.” I walked many families through the process of grieving. Years later, families would reach out to me through cards or letters and thank me for that one important piece of advice, because they truly did not know how to begin the steps to recovery after they had lost a loved one.

People who have gone through abuse of any form can benefit from the same advice that is given to so many families who have lost loved ones. Individuals who have suffered from abuse must go through a grieving process as well. After all, they lost a lot through their ordeal of abuse. Some have lost their looks through being disfigured from physical abuse. Some have lost finances, jobs, friends, their church home, children and family members because of the abuse. For others, the emotional scars have taken a toll on their mind and body.

After my mom went through 43 years of being in an abusive marriage, her healing process was very long. It took years after the abuse for my mom to realize just how deep her scars of abuse went. It was only through the process of grief and healing from the past abuse that she soon began to show signs of recovery.

How quickly someone recovers from abuse sometimes can depend on many factors, such as how long a person has gone through abuse, and/or how traumatic the abuse was. But the thing to remember here is that there is no set time that is stamped on a person’s recovery time.

Within the next week, I am going to post another article (part 2) on the steps to healing from abuse. There will be simple assignments and questions to ask yourself if you are coming out of an abusive relationship, or have been a victim of spiritual abuse.

I am purposely spreading out the stages to allow individuals time to grasp the steps. These steps can hopefully be used whether someone is dealing with spiritual abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and/or emotional abuse.

Steps to Begin the Healing Process From Abuse

1. Move away from the source of the abuse: It is very difficult to begin the healing process if you are still being abused.
   • Physical abuse: If the abuse is still going on, the individual who is being abused may become very angry and begin retaliating. In turn, this can cause the abuser to attempt to regain his/her control through becoming more violent. It can become very dangerous for someone who is already being physically or sexually abused. For individuals who are being physically or sexually abused, or feel threatened in any way and are trying to leave, please contact your local domestic violence hotline, or you can call the U.S. Abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224(TTY). They have trained counselors who can walk you through a safety plan to leave the abuser. It is very important to have a plan of action before you take action!
   • Individuals who are dealing with spiritual abuse: It is also important for individuals to leave the place where the spiritual abuse is taking place. Staying will only create more bitterness, anger, and resentment within the individual who is dealing with this type of abuse. Individuals who stay longer will even start to resent God. At this point, some people may feel the need to write a letter to or request a face to face meeting with their spiritual leader or leaders explaining and outlining all of the leader’s faults and how they have abused them. “This may not be a good idea, especially when you are trying to leave the abusive situation. Your emotions are very raw during this time, and you may say or do something that you will regret later on. It is not the time to confront the abuser when you are trying to leave any abusive situation. It only makes matters worse.”
2. Rest:
   • After individuals have gotten away from their abuser, taking the time to rest is very critical at this stage of the healing process. This is the time for the individual to allow themselves time to process what has happened to them. Also maintaining a balanced nutritious diet and exercise can be extremely important during this time.
   • During this time of allowing themselves to rest, the individual may start going through some of the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Not everyone goes through all of them, or in a prescribed order. Also, keep in mind that a person can go through these stages many times. I will only talk about two out of the five stages of grief in this post.
   • One of the first stages of grief a person may experience is denial. Denial helps us to survive the trauma or loss. In this stage, life makes no sense. Individuals are in a state of shock and denial. They go numb. They wonder how they can go on, if they can go on, or if they should go on. They try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help individuals to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps pace individuals feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as they can handle. A family who I was counseling in hospice described shock as “God’s gentle way of protecting us from absorbing or taking in all at once everything that has happened to them.” As an individual accepts the reality of the abuse and starts to ask themselves questions, they are unknowingly beginning the healing process. They are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as they proceed, all the feelings they were denying will begin to surface. (grief.com)

   

   • Anger: Get angry! It’s okay to be angry about what has happened to them and the abuser. The more the individual allows themselves to feel, the better they will feel and it will truly aid in the healing process. Many Christians have a hard time with this stage of grief, because they may express anger towards God, and if they feel angry towards God, they may think that they are sinning. Guess what? God is a big God and He can handle all of our emotions. It’s okay to feel emotions and anger is one of them. Let it out! Individuals may also be angry at themselves for being abused. When talking with a person who has been abused, always remember that the abuse was not the individual’s fault. They did not ask to be abused. Don’t make them feel guilty about the abuse.

Going through the healing process after being abused can be painful, very lonely, and hard. I would strongly suggest that if a person has gone through any form of abuse to seek professional counseling or join a support group in their area.

For more information on the stages of grief and loss, you can visit grief.com.

Assignments:

1. Individuals who are reading this article; you are challenged to share this article with someone who is in or who has gone through any of the abusive relationships mentioned above. It is time to show them that you care.
2. For individuals who are still in an abusive relationship, reach out to someone who you can talk to for help and make the call to the abuse hotline for further guidance on taking steps to leave the abusive relationship.
3. For individuals who have left abusive relationships, you are encouraged to seek counseling or join a support group. Talking with a trained professional or joining a support group will aid in your healing process. It is time for you to live again!

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Article by Marquetta Smith, MSSW, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries