Disclaimer: this post is for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not meant to replace professional PTSD management, or treatment for any conditions.  

Who am I? This is an easy question for most people. You would probably respond with your name. Your name encompasses all that you are: your likes, dislikes, hopes, fears, etc. Your name expresses your identity. However, for some people, their name is nothing more than a word. For people with trauma, establishing your identity can feel next to impossible. 

The link between trauma and identity

Identity problems are probably not the first things you would think of when you hear the words “trauma,” or “PTSD.” However, identity problems are pretty common in those with trauma. In fact, the most extreme forms of identity disturbance due to trauma occurs in 1.5% of the population. This may not seem like much, but it is the same number of people in the world who have bipolar disorder. 

In my article “Lesser-Known Effects of Trauma,” I list identity disturbance as a symptom of trauma. Trauma can affect the way that the victim views themselves in relation to the world. According to the Journal of Adolescence, trauma can impact our sense of identity through:

• Identity loss
• Identity alteration
• Trauma-centered identity
• Identity affirmation
• Identity replacement
• And much more

These kinds of disruptions make it difficult for someone to recognize their “sense of self.” We express our identity in many ways. Someone with trauma may have a difficult time being consistent in these ways. Everyone changes their mind about things; that is not what I’m talking about. Someone with identity problems due to trauma may feel like a stranger in the presence of the things that they “like.” This can cause dangerous feelings of extreme stress and hopelessness.

How does trauma affect the ability to know your identity 

Common problems associated with trauma like substance abuse, eating disorders, and depression can put a dent in identity development as an adult. However, trauma can utilize other devices that can make it difficult to identify your sense of self. Some of these develop as a child reacting to trauma but can be experienced by adults, too. 

Survival

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Psychiatrist Grant Brenner says that identity gets disrupted because “basic survival takes precedence over, and uses resources ordinarily allocated for, normal development of the self.” Our sense of self is mostly developed when we are children. We expand on this foundation as we get older. When we experience trauma, we slow down this development. This is especially true of children experiencing repeated trauma. Time normally spent on learning about yourself is now spent on dealing with these painful experiences. Once you are away from the trauma, It may be too painful to look inside yourself due to toxic shame. It is human nature to avoid painful things. Sacrificing your sense of self for survival  can be a consequence of carrying trauma: 

Dissociation

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Dissociation is a “mental process” that causes a separation of someone’s thoughts, memories, and identity. According to PTSD expert Matthew Tull, 90% of people with trauma experience chronic dissociation. Everyone experiences dissociation at some point in their lives. Daydreaming is a common form of dissociation. However, dissociation becomes problematic when it interferes with everyday life. Distorting your sense of self is one of those interferences. Dissociation affects your sense of self by:

• feeling like you are missing part of yourself 
• Not recognizing yourself
• Being unable to remember yourself as a child 
• Having “parts” of yourself that don’t seem related to each other 

One of the dangers of dissociation due to trauma is when self-care is forfeited to detachment. Grant Brenner says, “self-care is impaired, and one learns to live apart from oneself as a matter of habit.” Without a sense of self, it can be difficult to find the motivation to care for yourself. 

Trauma = Identity

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I mentioned earlier that the Journal of Adolescence identifies trauma centered identity as an impact of trauma on the sense of self. People often find traumatic experiences to be defining moments in their lives. This can be positive when it leads to personal growth or societal change. However, trauma centered identity has the potential to be very harmful. Some negative impacts are:

• Surrounding yourself with people who fit your traumatic narrative (toxic friends, abusive relationships)
• Reliving the trauma over and over again
• Difficulty navigating interpersonal relationships

Surviving trauma is something that should be celebrated. You should be proud to be standing on the other side of a horrific experience. However, when you base your identity on your trauma, you don’t allow yourself to heal. 

Conclusion 

Having a sense of self is a luxury that many people don’t realize they have. Trauma affects the way that we know ourselves by disrupting our sense of identity. It can do this through survival needs, dissociation, and by being its own identity. Lacking a sense of self can be dangerous when it causes negative emotions that affect the way you live in the world. 

Living with trauma-based identity problems can feel like being a ghost. It can be frustrating when you can’t form a consistent opinion. Not knowing how you feel and why you feel it is confusing and exhausting. It is terrifying to not recognize yourself. Speaking about these problems can be even more terrifying because it is hard to explain to someone who is not going through it. However, there is hope. Treatment is out there that helps integrate the parts of you that you don’t understand. DBT and EMDR therapy have been proven to ease the blow that trauma has on your identity. 

You don’t have to be a ghost. You are seen and heard, and your experiences matter. Recognizing your lack of identity can be hard, but it is possible. It is the first step in healing from your past and moving forward to a healthier future.

Writing by Bethany Fischer, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more article, visit www.safeharborim.com/articles/ 

Featured Image: Photo by Gabriel on Unsplash