A month ago, I gave several steps in an article that I wrote called “A Time of Healing” that victims of abuse can take in order to begin the process of healing from being abused. For those of you who are coming out of an abusive situation, I want to continue sharing thoughts and steps of how to continue the healing process.

Abusers guilt: Stop carrying the abuse guilt around. Let the guilt go. Many times, people who have abused individuals will make their victims feel as though they should feel guilty for leaving them. Some abusers may try to use tactics like saying that they are going to kill themselves if you leave them. They may go as far as attempting suicide to get the victim to return to them. Don’t fall for this tactic! It’s only a ploy to get the victim to come back to them.

Prison of not forgiving: One of the biggest steps to healing from past abuse is learning how to forgive the abuser. This is also the hardest step for some survivors to do, and often can be extremely painful. One survivor of abuse described not forgiving her abuser is “like being held in a prison for many years.” Once she had forgiven her abuser, she began to feel such relief and freedom. Her only regret was not forgiving the person sooner. She was waiting for the person who had abused her to apologize for all he had done to her. She faced reality one day, when she finally realized that he would never admit to what he had done. Sometimes the person or persons may not apologize to you, or even admit to doing anything wrong. You cannot let that stop you from forgiving them. When you forgive the other person, you are releasing them from a debt. In the Bible, God says to owe no man anything but the debt of love. Stop walking around with a notebook full of names of people who owe you an apology. They may not ever settle their debt with you. By waiting for the other person to apologize for their wrongdoings, you are putting your life on hold and not moving forward. Remember that forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. Forgiving is one of the keys that frees you from your painful past.

Forgive yourself: Individuals who have been abused must also learn to forgive themselves. We hold on to believing that somehow we made the abuse happen to us. Because we think that we caused the abuse, therefore making it harder to forgive ourselves.

Support system: Surround yourself with people who love and care for you, people who can help you move on from your past, people who do not constantly remind you of your past but can see your bright future ahead.

Give yourself time to heal: Don’t try to rush into other relationships to fill the void. Several years ago, I counseled a 40-year-old woman who had been abused. She told me that she had been in and out of abusive relationships all of her teenage years and adult life. She had never been alone for more than a month. She had been in numerous relationships, and basically admitted to not knowing what type of man she truly wanted to be with. She had not allowed time to get to know who she was and what qualities she liked in a man. She picked her lovers based on other peoples’ opinions. Through counseling, she was able to see that she was much more valuable than what people thought of her. She got to know herself and what she liked. I believe that this is a very important step for individuals who wish to move forward in another relationship: get to know who you are. Once you know who you are, you will be able to realize what you want in life and in a relationship.

Love yourself: Take time to love yourself. Spend quality time with yourself. Set a date with yourself every day. Take long walks, long baths, go to the spa, the gym, nail shop, etc. Do whatever it is that makes you happy. Look yourself in a mirror and say “I love me.” I know this sounds silly, but believe me when I tell you the more you tell yourself that you love yourself, the more you will start to believe it.

Learn to live again: Take one day at a time. When you were in an abusive relationship, your life was extremely chaotic and very unpredictable. Let’s face it, you were simply existing. You thought your life had no real meaning or value. This is the time to allow God to help you reorganize your life and your priorities. Step by step, you will slowly rebuild your life and experience the life you never thought possible. This step requires spending time in prayer and asking our Heavenly Father for strength to start a fresh new life.

It’s time to start living again!

Article by Marquetta Smith, MSSW, Executive Director of Safe Harbor International Ministries and Survivor of Abuse