My name is Rebecca, and I was a victim of domestic violence through emotional abuse. In hopes of encouraging women and families, I want to share part of my story. I am currently an intern at Safe Harbor International Ministries. I am a part of the Office Administration team at SHIM, and help the blogger team edit their articles as well.
The reason why I felt compelled to intern here is because of my history of domestic violence. It is a cause that I hope to use my career to continue to raise awareness for. I want to make it my mission to change the lives of victims around me to feel empowered in their life post-abuse.
My Story
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship when I was seventeen years old up until I was nineteen. When many people hear the words “domestic violence,” they think physical abuse. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often overlooked by most people, including by the victims themselves. I, myself, was in denial of the severity of my situation for over a year. I even attended counseling for months and never disclosed to my therapist that I was being abused. Instead, I begged to be a better person so that I could be more lovable. I will never forget the night I called one of my best friends and vocally said for the first time that I thought I was being abused.
My First Relationship
When I was 17, I started a job at a fast-food restaurant, and one of the managers caught my attention almost immediately with his charm. We began dating quickly, and I loved the attention I got from him, even though there were several red flags that I ignored. Our relationship felt fine when he was happy; however, he had a temper that I tried my hardest to ignore and justify. When he had a bad day (which was often), he told me it was my responsibility to make better, and if I failed, I obviously didn’t love him enough.
When I got accepted into college, our relationship changed drastically. I asked him to consider getting his degree with me. He agreed to go to a local college while I moved three hours away to attend my top pick school. I was able to transfer to a store near me, so I was able to keep my job. When I moved is when I started noticing major red flags in my relationship. I was a 4.0 student and was promoted into management quickly at my job. My boyfriend became insanely jealous of my success and would belittle me, control me, and guilt me because of his unhappiness in his life. He didn’t have the drive to do well in life like I did and it showed constantly.
A big part of emotional abuse is the act of chipping away at one’s feelings of self-worth and independence-making a victim feel trapped and that they need the abuser to be someone. [1] This is precisely what was happening to me.
Every time I shared excitement for my success, my boyfriend would be quick to make comments that the only reason I was good at something is because he taught me what I knew about management. When it came to my grades, he would comment about how nice it must be to have time to study and be good at school. At the same time, he made attempts to force me to drop down to part-time work, so I wasn’t eligible for management. Every motive behind his behavior was an attempt to control me. He was desperate to feel like he was doing better than me.
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse. Examples of verbal abuse include yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior are also forms of emotional abuse [2] Even being long distance, my boyfriend found ways to abuse me verbally. He knew when I was at work and would call me on our work phone to threaten to break up with me. I would get off work to find him blocking me on social media. He would unblock me the next day and tell me he loved me. When I made him angry, he was quick to tell me he hated me. When I started making friends, he questioned my sexuality and often told me how obvious it was that I was cheating on him with my friends.
In the height of the abuse, I agreed to sign an apartment lease with my abuser. I thought that if we lived together that he would treat me better. I truly believed that I could help him. I firmly believe there was divine intervention because, due to circumstances that I still can’t believe to this day, he was unable to move to my city.
However, he refused to help me financially with our apartment. He used the controlling of finances and verbal abuse to scare me constantly. That was the scariest year of my life, especially because I was 18 trying to survive on my own with no help. To this day, my mom believes he would have killed me if he did end up moving in with me. I firmly believe that the only reason I wasn’t physically abused to death is because of the fact that we were long distance. I sincerely can’t thank God enough for protecting me from the terrifying unknown.
I could share multiple stories of varying degrees of abuse from my relationship. I can’t tell you how many times he threatened to hurt me, sexually abuse me, and take my belongings because he thought I didn’t deserve them. I could talk about the names he called me and the things he said about me to his friends. I could tell how lonely it was when he told my friends untrue things and urged them to stop being my friend. I could share the feelings of not feeling good enough, knowing I was being cheated on and blamed for it. I was told daily that no one would put up with me the way he did because I was ridiculous and impossible to love.
The Cycle
There is often a cycle for domestic violence. It includes abuse, guilt, excuses, normal behavior, fantasy, and setup.
In this cycle, abuse through normal behavior is self-explanatory. An abuser will abuse you and do everything possible to avoid responsibility. Fantasy is a stage where an abuser sets up a plan on how to use your behavior to justify abusing you again. Setup is a step where the abuser will set that plan into action to repeat the entire cycle.
Red Flags
Here is a list of red flags to be aware of that are signs of an emotionally abusive partner: [3]
- Calling you names, insulting you, or continually criticizing you
- Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive
- Trying to isolate you from family or friends
- Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with
- Demanding to know where you are every minute
- Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving
- Using weapons to threaten to hurt you
- Punishing you by withholding affection
- Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family, or your pets
- Damaging your property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)
- Humiliating you in any way
- Blaming you for the abuse
- Gaslighting
- Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships
- Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior
- Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
- Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are
- Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.
- Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them
Although this is only a small part of my story, I am excited to share that there is hope. Leaving is the absolute most grueling part of the journey, especially when you feel so alone and vulnerable. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and your abuser or your situation does not define you. It is hard and terrifying, but so worth it.
No one should feel unsafe in their relationship. Our intimate relationships should be a safe space for us to be vulnerable and find comfort. It is not healthy for your partner to not want to help you be your best self.
What Can You Do?
The first step in finding healing is recognizing that you’re in a dangerous situation (even if it isn’t physical). The next step is up to you. You must understand that your situation is not your fault. If you’re able, tell a trusted family member. If you are unable to depend on your family, find a trusted mentor. It can be someone at work, a counselor, a church member, or anyone in your life whom you trust to be your support system. Develop a plan. There are so many incredible free resources that have amazing professionals to help you in the way that you need.
I promise there is more out there than abuse. I promise you are worthy of a life full of blessings, peace, and confidence. I truly wish every single person could see how much they are worth. Your abuser does not define you in any way. Your individuality, uniqueness, and quirks are forever yours. No one can take away who you are. Friend, please understand that leaving is hard but so worth it. You aren’t trapped. You aren’t alone. However, you are worth living a life of love and confidence.
Written by Rebecca Kochanek, Survivor and Office Administrator at Safe Harbor International Ministries.
Refeerences:
- https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
- https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
- https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
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