Much of what we know comes from what we were exposed to growing up. Older generations pass things down to us all of the time. Some things are genetic, such as eye color or hair texture. Other things are social, like family traditions. These are things that can have positive impacts on our behavior. Unfortunately, it is also possible to inherit negative things from older generations, such as generational abuse. 

When we are born into something that has crossed generational lines, like abuse, it can be very difficult to break the cycle. So, how can we break the cycle of generational abuse? First, we need to start by defining it.

What is generational abuse?

As the name indicates, generational abuse is abuse that crosses generational family lines. This occurs when one family member takes the violence they experienced and passes it to another family member. Often, a parent can pass this abuse to their child. For example:

• A child whose abuse is disguised as “discipline” may also “discipline” their children in the same way.
• A child who is sexually abused by a family member may be told to keep it a secret. When they have a child themselves, they may teach them to respond the same way when something similar happens to them.
• A child who grew up in a controlling environment may try to regain that control by behaving the same way towards their own children.

Not every victim of child abuse goes on to abuse their own children. However, there are statistics that show a link between being abused and becoming an abuser. According to the American Society for the Positive Care of Children, roughly 30% of child abuse victims will continue the cycle of abuse with their own children. This is because we first learn how to interact with people by interacting with our parents. This is the first real relationship that we form. It impacts our behavior for the rest of our lives, whether we like it or not. 

Why is it damaging?

As stated, generational abuse is damaging because it increases the likelihood of the abused becoming the abuser. However, there are many other consequences associated with generational abuse that are just as damaging. Trauma professional and licensed therapist Tamara Hill points to “unhealthy coping mechanisms” like denial and minimization that act as tools in perpetuating generational abuse. 

• Denial: When we deny our trauma, we deny ourselves the opportunity to heal. This can lead to pent up emotions that can be unintentionally expressed on innocent bystanders, like our children. A parent-child relationship is supposed to be unconditional. Denial put limits on this relationship.
• Minimization: Just like denial, minimizing trauma puts up road-blocks in someone’s healing journey. Minimizing your trauma may lead you to minimize your child’s trauma. This increases the likelihood of the occurrence of psychiatric disorders, such as Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Generational abuse continues when problems are buried rather than fixed. Victims of generational abuse may eventually accept things the way they are. Rather than try to break the cycle, they learn to be content in it. Emotional education is completely ignored. If abuse is the only thing they have ever known, then it is not surprising when they continue that abuse towards the next generation.

How to break generational abuse

While generational abuse seems like a dismal subject, there is hope for victims. While breaking a cycle of anything can be difficult, breaking the cycle of abuse is completely possible. Knowing the signs of child abuse and recognizing them in your own life is a start. It can be difficult to accept that you were abused as a child if you have been conditioned to deny or minimize your trauma. However, recognizing the physical, mental, and emotional signs of abuse in your own life can start the process of breaking the cycle.

According to psychologist Dr. Elizabeth Hartney, there are steps that you can take to break the cycle of generational abuse. Some of these steps include:

• Reaching out for help
• Learning boundaries
• Meeting emotional needs through ADULT relationships
• Protecting and teaching your child about their bodies

Nobody is perfect, and this includes parents. However, the key to breaking generational abuse is understanding the difference between your relationship with your child and your relationships with other adults. Sometimes emotions from our adult relationships can spill over into our parent-child relationship. Children are sponges, but not for your emotional needs. This is where setting boundaries comes into play. Setting boundaries prevents children from being exposed to inappropriate behavior. Teaching your child about their bodies and protecting them gives your child the tools to stand up for themselves when you can’t.

Most importantly, notice when you need help, and reach out for it. Trauma therapists specialize in trauma recovery for all ages, not just children. No matter how old you or your children are, it is never too late to seek recovery. 

Conclusion

We all inherit good things and bad things from our parents. Things like generational abuse can be extremely damaging to family lines because it can be a difficult cycle to break. However, noticing the signs of abuse and taking active steps to recovery give hope to generational abuse victims. It is possible to break the cycle if you put in the necessary work.

You owe it to yourself and your children to be the best you that you can be. This means acknowledging when your behavior is unacceptable and trying to change. Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity was “doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.” Raising your children in the same damaging way you were raised will have the same impact. Nothing changes if nothing changes. We don’t get to choose where we come from. We do get to choose where we go. It is up to us as adults to choose differently, for the sake of our children, and their children, and generations beyond.

Written by Bethany Fischer, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, visit www.safeharborim.com/article/