When people hear the word “abuse,” they often think about abuse in families and romantic relationships. It’s a normal response considering that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will be abused by a romantic partner. Countless articles can be found outlining common signs of domestic abuse. They tell us to look out for physical signs of abuse, such as unexplainable cuts and bruises. They give us signs for mental abuse, like being overly controlling or explosively angry. There are many resources available to victims of domestic abuse to help, like The National Domestic Violence Hotline, or even here at Safe Harbor International Ministries.

What happens when the abuse comes from a friendship? Is that even possible? How can a friendship be abusive when a friendship requires consent in order to exist? The truth is that abusive friendships do exist, and they are damaging just like any other medium of abuse.

What is an abusive friendship?

There is no running definition of an abusive friendship. Maybe it is because friendships are not seen as relationships where power is an important dynamic. It is not common for someone to claim someone who is bullying them as their friend. There can be less investment in a friendship than a romantic relationship. You don’t typically think about settling down and starting a family with your friend. You don’t typically base important life decisions on your friends. So, why would anyone stay in an abusive friendship?. 

I stated in a related article that there is no such thing as a perfect romantic relationship, and it’s true for friendships, too. People are imperfect and make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes hurt other people. Your friends are flawed just as you are. There will be parts of their personalities that don’t work well with yours. Core beliefs like politics can bring about strong and divisive opinions that you and your friend may not agree on. Sometimes, emotions run high in friendships, and people say things that they don’t mean. When I say “abusive friendship,” I’m not talking about these things.

So, what am I talking about?

This kind of friend:

• makes you feel inferior
• hurts your feelings and then gets mad at you for getting hurt
• breaks personal boundaries that you set as soon as it benefits them
• embarrasses you in front of your other friends
• makes their problems your problems, but doesn’t make time for yours
• doesn’t honor promises and doesn’t keep secrets
• puts you in the middle of their lies and expects you to play along
• spreads rumors about you and manipulates others into believing them.

If any of this sounds familiar, it should. It’s called emotional abuse, and it happens in friendships and romantic relationships.

In high school, I had an abusive friendship just like this.

We grew close very quickly because we had a lot in common. I introduced this person to my close friend group which quickly adopted them in.

It was like we had been friends forever when we had only known each other for a short time. We walked to class together, ate lunch together, and hung out outside of school most weekends. We texted all the time. I grew very close to this person and cared a lot about them. I thought this person was my best friend. 

Slowly, things began to change. I live with a diagnosed mental illness, and this person loved to exploit that. They dismissed my feelings because of it and made cruel jokes about it. They told me to “take my meds” when I tried to say anything about the way they made me feel. One time, they said that hurtful phrase in front of a group of students we were eating lunch with.

This person went out of their way to induce anxiety in me.

They made sure that I thought I was as crazy as they thought I was. They purposely did things to hurt my feelings for the sake of their own enjoyment. While a good friend would try and avoid your triggers, this person always brought them up. I begged this person to stop poking at sensitive topics, and they always promised they would. That promise never stuck around for long.

They told me one thing and then told someone else something different. They said one thing and then did something completely different. I always left feeling very confused and very anxious with this person. They seemed to take pleasure in my discomfort.

This person went through a great effort to alienate me from my other friends.

They twisted my words and made up lies to undermine my image. They exaggerated arguments we had and caused people to pick sides. This person damaged my public image so badly that my oldest friends would not believe me about what was happening. This person didn’t treat anyone else this way, so why would they treat me this way? 

It got to a point where I did not feel like I could trust anyone. My relationships with my other friends were strained because of this person so I didn’t have anyone to talk to. The only person who would talk to me was the person making my life miserable. I was isolated and thought as low of myself as this person thought about me. This propelled me into a very dark and dangerous part of my life.

I made multiple attempts to remove this person from my life.

The first time, I told them they were a truck on a highway, and I was standing in the middle of the road. I let them run all over me, and I was finally jumping out of the way. I couldn’t deal with the way they made me feel all the time, and I was drowning. 

Surprisingly, they asked me not to leave. They were sorry, so sorry, and they would do better next time. I was the best friend that they ever had and they couldn’t bear to lose me. They didn’t know they were making me feel this way. I should have said something sooner.

I cared about this person so much that I always forgave them. They were my best friend, after all. We used to have such a good time together. It could be like that again. Besides, they said they were sorry. I was the one that was overacting anyways. This is mostly my fault, right?

And, so it went, time and time again. For 2 years, this friendship broke me down until I thought I was worthless. This person said they cared about me and treated me terribly, so I must have deserved it. I allowed other people to treat me badly. I treated myself horribly. If my best friend thinks so badly of me, why should I expect anything better of myself or anyone else?

Thankfully, that friendship finally ended.

Now that I can look back on this experience, it is hard for me not to be angry at myself. I know what a bad relationship looks like in many forms. I have never allowed any romantic partners to treat me in an abusive way. Why didn’t I see the signs back then?

I missed these signs because we don’t tend to hold our friendships to the same standard of our other relationships. Friendships are “crucial” to help “navigate [your] identity and place in society,” according to Pew Research Center. Because of this, we have to start holding our friends accountable for the way they treat people. This experience happened to me as a teen, shaping the way I viewed myself in the world negatively. It took a very long time for me to undo all of the damage that this friendship caused. 10 years later, I still struggle to write about this experience without getting emotional. 

I will probably never understand why this person chose to treat me the way that they did.

Maybe it was because they were hurting. Maybe it was because they felt out of control of their own life. No reason will ever be good enough to excuse their behavior. However, I can choose to move forward with my life and learn from this experience. 

I know now how I don’t like to be treated. Now, I know that boundaries are important. I know now that someone who cares about you will not intentionally hurt you over and over again. People make mistakes and don’t always treat others the way that they should. However, true friends will make an effort to change their hurtful behavior. Emotional abuse in friendships is just as impactful as it is in romantic relationships. It should not be tolerated under any circumstance. 

Stay tuned for Part 2 of my Abusive Friendship Series! 

Written by Bethany Fischer, blogger at Safe Harbor International Ministries. For more articles, please visit our blog page at https://www.safeharborim.com/articles/ 

Sources:

https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2018/11/28/teens-friendships-and-online-groups/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/signs-of-emotional-abuse/

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.safehorizon.org/get-informed/domestic-violence-statistics-facts/#statistics-and-facts/

https://www.britannica.com/topic/gaslighting